TWENTY-NINE GRAYSON
T WENTY -N INE
G RAYSON
As soon as the R EMOVE SEAT BELT light came on, Grayson was out of his seat and heading toward the bathroom.
He closed the door, slid the lock into place, and then broke down. The tears he’d been holding ever since he’d met Gemma and Lynnea came rushing forward tenfold. He could no longer stop them and was thankful for the roar of the airplane’s engines for drowning out his gut-wrenching sobs.
From the moment he’d laid eyes on the girls, he knew they were the reason for the constant ache in his chest. Rafe loved those girls beyond measure, and that love had stayed with his heart, and now Grayson was suffering because of it.
He glanced at himself in the cloudy mirror. Tears streamed down his cheeks. Some created a trail over his jaw and trickled down his neck, while some went straight to his shirt, wetting the fabric.
Grayson felt foolish and heartbroken. Two emotions he had trouble dealing with when mixed together. He shouldn’t feel this way about two tiny humans he didn’t know, or barely knew, for that matter. Yet when he sat there, enjoying his tea, he felt like he’d known them their entire lives. He loved them. Long before he’d even known they existed. That was the only way he could explain how he felt. They were a part of him, and he had to find a way to stay in their lives.
A knock sounded.
“One minute,” he said as he cleared his throat. Grayson stared at himself, hoping every answer he sought would magically appear in the mirror. Nothing was there. Except for a man with red-rimmed eyes, a running nose, and flushed cheeks. There would be no hiding this from Pearce, who’d undoubtedly have questions or give him some type of look that would border on disgust.
Pearce had gone with him for moral support. Had done everything Grayson asked of him, but it was clear he didn’t approve. No one could understand how Grayson felt. Waking up every day, knowing something was wrong but not being able to pinpoint what that something was until now. Now he knew, but knowing didn’t make things better for him. Not with the distance between him and the girls. And while Pearce had cautioned Grayson about seeing his ex, Nadia wasn’t who Grayson wanted in his life; it was Gemma and Lynnea. Their presence made him feel whole. Complete. They were the ache he felt.
Grayson apologized when he came out of the bathroom. He made his way back to the row he shared with Pearce, thankful it was just the two of them and not the dreaded middle seat situation. He sat down and kept his eyes trained on the flight attendants as they served drinks.
“You okay?” Pearce asked.
Grayson nodded and bit his lips to keep his emotions in check.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
He shook his head. After dinner the night before, they’d gone back to the hotel and hadn’t discussed their visit with Nadia, Reuben, and the girls. Doing so was the last thing Grayson wanted. He’d told Pearce he was tired and crawled into bed. Instead of sleeping, he’d stared at the ceiling, recounting the encounter. He’d hated leaving but knew they’d already overstayed their intrusion.
Grayson was thankful they were on an airplane and not driving. Their voices would have to be elevated to have a full conversation, and anything he had to say, he wouldn’t want others to hear. He didn’t care what people said; it was a natural reaction to eavesdropping. Not a day went by when he didn’t listen to what others talked about. He knew more about the people on his daily trains and in his office than he cared to.
The flight from Boston to DC was quick. They’d spent more time waiting in the airport for their flight than actually flying. Once the plane landed, they were off and through the terminal as if their asses were on fire. Grayson wanted to get home to Reid. He needed to see her, hold her, and confess. Lying to her and withholding his true intentions of taking the guys’ weekend weighed heavily on his conscience. He’d made a promise to himself when he pursued her to always be honest. It was the easiest thing he could do with her.
Grayson and Pearce took the subway together until they needed to switch lines. Pearce hugged his friend, patted him on the back, and told him to call if he needed anything. He wouldn’t call. Pearce might be his best friend, but Grayson sensed he couldn’t grasp the magnitude of how Grayson felt. He didn’t blame him at all, especially when he couldn’t fully understand things himself.
When he arrived at the apartment complex, he opted for the stairs. He took each flight slowly, delaying the inevitable. Reid would be ecstatic to see him, but she’d notice right away that something wasn’t right. She’d instantly think he was sick, or something had happened to his heart. She’d be right, but for the wrong reasons. As Grayson approached their door, he knew he’d tell her everything.
Before he slipped his key into the lock, he paused and listened. Soft music played from their apartment, and he imagined her dancing, and likely pouring them a glass of wine. Reid would’ve made or at least ordered them dinner, having it there by the time Grayson told her he’d be home. If this were a normal homecoming, they’d share a meal, and then he’d take her into the shower with him, unwilling to spend any more time alone. He’d make love to her there, using his height as an advantage when it came to shower sex. After the shower, he’d take her to bed, where they’d be a little freer with their lovemaking.
But this wasn’t a normal homecoming.
Tonight, they’d sit at the table, their wine going untouched, their food turning cold while he spilled his guts about his trip, who Nadia was, and how happy he’d been when he saw the girls for the first time and how heartbroken he’d been when he left them. Grayson had to find a way to express to Reid how none of this had anything to do with her and how it had everything to do with the heart he’d been given.
A heart he hadn’t asked for.
Before he turned his key, he closed his eyes and pictured Reid, loving and patient with him. In his mind, he saw her cry. Could feel her sadness, and he hated himself for what he was about to do.
He opened the door slowly. Reid was in the hallway and turned, her smile starting off slowly but spreading wide as they made eye contact, and then it dropped. She rushed to him, placing her hands on his cheeks and peering into his eyes.
“Grayson, what is it?”
He shook his head slightly and pulled her into a hug. As much as he tried to fight back the tears, he couldn’t.
“You’re scaring me,” she mumbled into his shirt. “Are you hurt? Do you need a doctor?”
“No,” he told her. A doctor couldn’t fix what was going on. Without turning, he reached back and shut their door, then took her hand and led her to the couch. He sat heavily, with a sigh, which released none of the tension he felt.
Grayson cleared his throat and held on tightly to her hand. “I need you to listen to what I’m about to tell you. I need to get this all out, and then I can answer all your questions and talk about everything. The first thing I want to say, though, is that I love you and can’t wait to be your husband.”
Reid smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. He couldn’t imagine what was going through her mind right now.
“Do you remember the day you went shopping with my mom?”
Reid nodded.
Grayson recounted his actions from looking online at obituaries, to expanding his search, to when he’d come across the article about Nadia’s husband—who she was to him, and how he’d gone and seen her.
Reid pulled her hand away from his.
“You went and saw her?”
He nodded as tears welled.
“Did you ...” Reid swallowed hard. “Ch-cheat on me?” She could barely get the question out without losing her voice.
His eyes went wide and his body rigid. “What? God no, Reid.” Grayson moved closer and reached for her. “I am so in love with you. You’re my whole world and the reason I am here today. If it wasn’t for you ...” He trailed off. He often thought about that day. He didn’t remember everything from it, but Reid had told him the story and how she’d planned to start dating because she needed to move on from the limbo she’d been in where Grayson was concerned.
“Nadia’s an ex, nothing more. When we went off to college, that was it. I never pined over her or tried to win her back. I’ve only ever loved one woman in my life, aside from my mom, and that’s you, Reid.”
She looked at him and said nothing.
“I went there. I stood where Rafe died, hoping to experience or feel something that would ease the feeling in my chest. When I saw her, my heart didn’t soar like it does when I see you. It was like seeing an old friend who, if I hadn’t seen her, I wouldn’t have missed, if that makes sense.”
“A little,” she said.
Grayson inhaled. “When I saw her daughters ... his daughters, everything shifted. I wanted to cry, to weep, as if I’d experienced the most profound loss of my life. This”—Grayson put his fist over his heart—“space is yours and theirs. I can’t explain it, other than what Dr. Littleton said about cellular memory. My heart— his heart—misses those little girls.”
“You don’t even know if you have this man’s heart, Grayson.” Reid got up from the couch and went into the kitchen. Grayson gave her a minute and then followed. He stood, leaning against the wall.
“I wish I could let you feel what I feel. I wish there was a way for you to know how seeing and loving you every day makes me feel, but also being with them took away the ache.”
Reid stood at the stove, stirring the sauce in the pan. “So, you’re what, going to play dad to them, and I’m going to do what? Share you with your ex? Like, I’ll get you two weeks out of the month?”
He wiped at his fallen tears. “No, Reid. Nothing like that, but I need to know them. To be in their life somehow. For the first time in a year, I felt complete.”
Her head snapped up, and she froze. Before she’d even turned and looked at him, he knew she was crying. “I’m supposed to be enough, Grayson,” she said, pointing at her chest. “We are supposed to be enough for each other.” Her hand motioned between them.
“You are.”
“But I’m not.” Her lower lip quivered. “They make you feel complete. Two strangers.”
“It’s not the same,” he told her. “I can’t explain it, but that feeling like something is wrong wasn’t there when I was with them.” Grayson moved closer. “I sat with them, listened to them tell me about their dad, how he died and how they felt. We had a tea party. They embraced me. Made me matter in their world.”
“I’m sure they were being polite,” Reid said.
He shook his head. “This was different.”
“You want it to be different so you’ll have an answer. You need it to be different so you can justify what you’re telling me.” Reid pushed past Grayson, heading into the other room.
“Reid.”
She spun around. “Why did you withhold the reason for your trip?”
Grayson hadn’t expected her to ask, although he should’ve. He ran his hand through his hair, tugging at the ends. “Because I wanted to make sure my hunch was right.”
“And you couldn’t share that with me?”
“I thought you’d talk me out of it.”
“Does your ex know why you randomly showed up at her house?”
He shook his head slowly.
“Right, so you lied to the both of us. That’s lovely, Grayson.” Reid moved farther away from him. “You know what, you’re right. I would’ve talked you out of it, because what you did is wrong. You don’t lie to the people you love, and you certainly don’t show up at someone’s house under the guise of being in town and wanting to pay your respects. I don’t know what’s worse, lying to me or lying to a grieving wife and two little girls.”
“I know and I’m sorry, Reid. I truly am. The last thing I want to ever do is hurt you. Or Nadia and the girls. It’s just ...” Grayson trailed off.
“It’s just what, Grayson?”
He didn’t know how to answer her.
“Do you plan to see her again?”
“It’s not Nadia who I want to see,” he told her. “It’s the girls. My heart, this heart.” Again, he placed his hand over his chest. “It belongs to you. To the girls, Gemma and Lynnea. Not Nadia.”
She stood there, looking at the ground with her arms crossed over her chest. Grayson took timid steps toward her, afraid she’d bolt out of the room, out the front door, and out of his life. He regretted not telling her.
“That’s the crux of the matter, isn’t it, Grayson? That’s not your heart.” Reid choked on her words as tears fell down her cheeks. “The one you had before, the one you swore loved me, but you were too in your head to make a commitment. The one you lied to me about ... that one.” She pointed to his chest and shook her head. “This one doesn’t love me. So, here we are again. Right back to the beginning, just another excuse.”
“That’s not true, Reid. You have my heart. All of it. But those girls have a piece as well. Maybe the feelings will go away or change, but right now I feel heartbroken because I’m not with them.”
“That’s great, Grayson.”
“My feelings are about them, Reid. Not you. I’m solid there. I’m in love with you and I have been for as long as I can remember.”
“You don’t lie to the people you love, Grayson.” She stepped away from him. “I need some space.” With that, she picked up her purse and walked out the front door.