Chapter 19
NINETEEN
AUSTIN
I groaned. Could Drew’s interruption have been timed any worse?
Nevertheless, we couldn’t ignore him. If we didn’t turn up in short order, Coach Dunn wouldn’t be happy, and I needed to keep him sweet if I wanted to have a hope in hell of renewing my contract.
I twined my fingers through Jane’s. “We can talk after dinner, when we have some proper privacy.”
“Yeah, I guess it’ll have to wait.”
She pulled away, clambered off the bunk, and used the small mirror on the wall to set her hair to rights. I watched her for a moment, taking in the elegant slope of her neck and the plumpness of her lips, which were slightly swollen from being wrapped around my cock.
Possessiveness rose within me, but it was shadowed by something darker.
Jane was stunning, inside and out. For now, she was mine, and I wasn’t ready to let her go, but I was ashamed of myself for not seeing her for who she really was sooner.
We’d had more than half a year together, and I was only now realizing how incredible she was.
Was there a chance I’d be able to hold onto her?
She seemed just as attracted to me as I was to her, but what about when she started working and the disparate demands on our time became too much for our relationship to bear?
Was being with her worth the risk that I might one day hear her say I wasn’t enough for her?
“You coming?” she asked, jolting me into motion.
I tucked myself back away, did up my pants, and grabbed a jacket from my suitcase.
She tugged her beanie on and wrapped a matching cream scarf around her neck.
It hadn’t been particularly cold around the fire, but neither of us was sure how warm it would be in the main lodge area.
The place was old, and it hadn’t looked particularly well insulated.
I took her hand and led her out of the room, pausing to lock it behind us. I didn’t think we were in danger of being robbed all the way out here, but I wouldn’t put it past some of my teammates to prank us.
It was completely dark out now, other than the dim lighting cast by the lamps attached to the outside of the building. Judging by the heavy cloud of smoke, the campfire had been extinguished recently.
We headed through the double doors into the lodge’s dining hall, where two long rows of tables were set up down the center of the room. A waft of warm air greeted us from the massive fireplace on the end wall.
Whatever the situation with the insulation may be, it certainly didn’t stop the room from getting hot. I immediately took off my coat and Jane removed her hat and scarf.
About half of the team were seated, with the rest still getting food from a buffet along the wall opposite the fireplace. I hung my jacket over the back of an unclaimed chair and Jane dropped her hat and scarf onto the table in front of the seat next to that one.
Rasmussen glanced up from the stew he was wolfing down and whistled. “Took you long enough.”
I eyeballed the cheeky rookie. He grinned and didn’t say anything more.
“Young love,” Jesse teased as he sat opposite us.
“You know I’m nearly ten years older than you, right?” I asked with a quick glance at Jane, to see how she was taking the ribbing. She was blushing but didn’t seem upset, so I decided not to tell them off for having a good time at our expense.
“But you’re young at heart,” Jesse said, beaming.
Jane scoffed.
I rolled my eyes, but inside, something kindled. A sense of connectedness. A feeling that maybe, just maybe, this team could actually pull together and do some good this season.
I was smiling as Jane and I made our way to the buffet and filled our plates.
When we rejoined the others, conversation flowed freely.
The meal was hearty and comforting, and combined with the heat from the fire and the camaraderie from the s’more-off, which had apparently continued after we’d left, I felt more at ease with the team than I could ever remember being.
And I wasn’t the only one. Beside me, Jane was starting to come out of her shell. She teased Jesse and chatted with Nick about some of the preseason games she’d watched other teams play, happy to share her thoughts on how they might shape up compared to us.
It was nice to see her feel comfortable enough to open up, and if the expressions on my teammates’ faces were anything to go by, they enjoyed getting to know her better too.
When the meal was finished, Coach Dunn and Assistant Coach Willets got up and talked to us about what to expect tomorrow.
Apparently, we’d be taking a hike and building survival shelters together.
God only knew what that had to do with hockey, but considering this whole trip seemed to have done us some good, I’d have to assume they knew what they were doing.
We were sent off to our rooms with orders to get plenty of sleep and, while we were all adults, I got the impression Coach suspected that a few of the younger guys might have plans up their sleeves to sneak out and have some drinks.
They’d be in a lot of shit if they got caught, but honestly, I’d be surprised if no one tried.
Some of the rookies weren’t even out of their teens, so impulse control wasn’t exactly their specialty.
I doubted they could get themselves into much trouble out here in the middle of nowhere, though, and there was no one around to capture them on film and cause a scandal if they got a little wild.
Jane and I wandered back to our room, and it was only once we were safely inside with the door locked to keep intruders out that I realized it was time for the talk we’d delayed earlier.
A thread of anxiety unspooled in my gut. I still didn’t know exactly what I wanted to say and my shitty father hadn’t taught me how to talk about my feelings. In his eyes, even acknowledging they existed would have shown weakness.
Since the rooms were simple, with no couches or armchairs, we sat on the wooden chairs beside the coffee table.
It occurred to me that perhaps I should have asked one of the rookies for a splash of whatever alcohol they’d snuck onto the trip.
This conversation might have been easier with fortification.
Jane waited, patient as always. Her silent presence calmed me, and I had to remind myself that she already knew who I was inside.
She had an idea of how I’d been raised, and she wouldn’t expect me to suddenly become someone who was good at communicating on an emotional level when I never had been in the past.
I drew in a deep breath. “I’m not good at talking about feeling stuff or knowing what to do when it comes to, uh, relationships.”
She reached across the table and I took her hand. The position was a little awkward, but the reassurance of her palm against mine was worth any minor discomfort.
“I’ve never even tried to have a girlfriend.” I was a little embarrassed to admit that. What kind of man in his thirties hadn’t had at least one girlfriend?
“Is that because of your dad?” she asked, giving my hand a squeeze. “Did he make you think that relationships were a waste of time when you should be focused on hockey?”
“Partly that,” I admitted, hating that my father still had any influence over me. “He drilled into me that if my focus slipped from hockey, then I might lose everything.”
“That’s an awful thing to say to a kid.” Her eyes narrowed and her lips pinched. For some reason, it felt nice to see her angry on my behalf. “You know it’s not true, right? My dad was a great player, and he married Mom and had Alec and me while he was still active. It didn’t ruin his career.”
I grimaced. “Logically, I know, and honestly, that isn’t the main thing that makes me wary.
Nothing I ever did was good enough for him, and he let me know it.
I’ve never tried to devote myself to anything other than hockey, and I worry that I won’t know how to give all of myself to a relationship.
I’d hate to date someone only to”—I swallowed past a lump in my throat—“hear that I wasn’t enough from another person I care about. ”
“Oh, Austin.” Her eyes shone with tears. “I promise I will never say that to you, no matter what happens between us. I’m so glad you cut your dad out of your life. He doesn’t deserve to be part of it.”
Emotion choked me, and I forced myself to drag in a slow inhale and release a long exhale.
The tension bled from my shoulders. “Thank you.” God, she was so sweet.
I wanted so badly to be the man who made her happy.
“I care about you, Jane. Not because of your family or your connections but because you’re clever and kind—and surprisingly tough.
I don’t have all the answers about what this is yet or what it means for the future, but I can tell you for certain that this thing between us isn’t fake anymore. At least not for me.”
She dragged her chair closer and pressed against me, giving nonverbal support that I appreciated so much.
“Thank you,” she said. “I know that was hard for you. I… It’s not fake for me either.
But if you’re worried about balancing this—us—with your hockey career, there’s no rush to label it or to dive into anything serious.
We have the season to figure out how to make it work for us both.
We have time, and I’m not going to disappear from your life if you have to do an extra practice or two.
I understand. Besides, we’ve already committed to each other on paper for the next few months, so why not? ”
I sagged in the chair, relieved she wasn’t pushing for answers or a commitment. “That sounds perfect.”
What had I done to deserve her?
I propped two of my fingers beneath her chin to tilt her face up, then kissed her. Her lips parted beneath mine and her breath stuttered. I drank in the delicious sound and stroked the silky skin of her neck.
We separated, both breathing heavily.
“I don’t suppose you brought condoms?” she asked, her breath whispering across my lips.
Blood rushed to my cock. “I always have one on me.”