Chapter 8 The Past
THE PAST
AMELIA’S brEAKING POINT
I finally decided I would visit Lillian.
Since the day of her departure, the emptiness within me had grown wider, a void I couldn’t ignore.
Today, I received a phone call from Lillian. She said she had something to tell me but didn’t want to say it over the phone.
When she left, I hadn’t bothered to reach out. I figured she would contact me when she really needed to.
And now, she had.
So, I would have to push down whatever resentment still lingered inside me to visit my sister and hear her out.
I wondered if my mother would want to see Lillian. I looked around the house for her, but she had already left.
A note on the kitchen table stated that she had gone to work. Thank goodness she still had her job.
Barely.
I drove a few miles to the apartment complex where Lillian was staying, trying to shake off the nagging feeling of dread that settled in my stomach. She had told me her roommate would be gone for the day, so it would be just the two of us.
As I parked in an open spot and made my way to her door, I knocked and waited, my heart pounding in my chest. The tension hung in the air as I tapped my foot anxiously against the pavement.
When the door finally creaked open, Lillian stood before me, looking worn and despondent. The deep heaviness that seemed to sit upon her shoulders was unmistakable.
“Come in,” she said softly, her voice lacking its usual spark.
We settled onto the small, gray couch, the fabric worn and faded. I waited for her to speak, the silence stretching painfully between us.
“How have you been?” she asked, her gaze fixed on the floor, avoiding mine.
“Pretty much the same since you last saw me,” I replied, forcing a smile that felt more like a grimace.
“Sorry to hear that,” she murmured, her words showered with shame.
I sighed and stood up, the frustration bubbling within me. “I didn’t come here to talk about how I am. You told me you had something to tell me.”
The fear was evident on her face. Lillian bit her lip, then put her hands on her head, shaking it as if trying to dispel the thoughts tormenting her. Suddenly, her composure cracked, and tears began to flow, her cries echoing throughout the sullen atmosphere of the room.
“I feel like I’m in a hellish loop. I mean, is this karma for something?” Her voice was a mix of hysteria and despair, shaking as she spoke.
“Karma? For what?” I asked, my heart aching for her.
She wiped her eyes, her expression transitioning from fear to resignation. Nothing could prepare me for what she said next.
“I’m pregnant. Again.”
A pause settled in the air, thick and suffocating.
“What?” I managed to whisper, my heart plummeting.
“I said I’m pregnant.”
“I heard you. How are you pregnant?” My mind raced, reeling from the shock.
“Amelia, you’re not hearing me. I’m pregnant. The last person I hooked up with was Caiden.”
The world around me went blank, numbness seeping into my bones. It couldn’t be true. She couldn’t be pregnant with Caiden’s child. The thought twisted my insides like a knife, and I felt my body shuddering as a wave of unease swept through me.
I had been teetering on the edge of sanity, and now it felt like I had fallen into darkness.
“You’re lying,” I said, more to convince myself than her. This had to be some sick, twisted game that Caiden had orchestrated. He manipulated her, then forced her to tell me this.
“I’m not lying! I swear I never meant to get pregnant,” she pleaded, her voice thick with distress, the faint sobs punctuating her words.
“You’re pregnant. With Caiden’s child?” My voice trembled, and with each repetition, the weight of it pressed harder against my chest.
“Yes,” she confirmed, her gaze breaking under the weight of the truth.
Saying it out loud was almost comical, like something straight out of a twisted joke.
I must be dreaming, I thought, because this was not possible. This was a scenario I couldn’t wrap my mind around.
I pinched my arm, hoping to wake up from this nightmare, but the pain was all too real.
Thankfully, I realized, he was eighteen. So, it wasn’t a crime, at least not in the eyes of the law.
In my eyes? It was the worst crime.
“What are you going to do?” I finally asked, the question hanging among us after a few moments of foreboding silence.
“I think I’m going to keep it. I’m not strong enough to have an abortion. I just couldn’t live with the guilt, Amelia.”
The words hit me like a freight train. She was keeping Caiden’s child, a child conceived out of desperation and poor choices. A stiffness began to form in my chest, a mixture of anger and heartbreak.
“Are you going to tell Caiden?” Despite asking, a part of me already knew the answer.
“No. He will not raise this child with me.” She shook her head.
“Good to hear.” A surge of satisfaction coursed through me, but I also felt a pang of guilt. I wanted Caiden to know, to see the look on his face when he found out he had impregnated my sister.
I wanted to know if he would care or be concerned, anything that would show me he had a soul buried beneath that bravado.
“Well, you need to tell Mom,” I said, my voice steady despite the chaos swirling inside me.
“That’s funny. You know she won’t like it,” Lillian replied, her tone laced with bitterness.
Our mother was not incredibly supportive these days. But surely, she couldn’t be heartless enough to turn away her knocked-up daughter?
“Let’s just hope that she’s having a good day.” It was an unpredictable game we couldn’t win, dissecting her moods. I didn’t think my own mother even knew what to expect when she woke up, especially when it came to her emotions.
We had a few more hours until our mother returned from work.
In the meantime, I took Lillian to a late lunch, anything to distract us from the cloud hanging over us.
It was all I could do for her at this point.
Guilt gnawed at me like a persistent insect.
If it wasn’t for the war between Caiden and me, this most likely wouldn’t have happened to my sister.
He denied it, but I knew that some part of him had slept with Lillian with the intention of getting under my skin. And it had worked.
“It will be different this time,” I said, trying to infuse some hope into the conversation.
“Hm?” Lillian hummed quizzically, tracing random shapes on the table with her finger.
“This baby. It isn’t going to end badly like it did when you were in college. We’ll figure this out.”
“I hope so.” Her voice was devoid of any hope as if her life was already over.
My heart broke for her. Lillian was still so young, just a few years older than me. She had so much potential to be the best version of herself. I wanted to make her see that this didn’t have to ruin everything.
“Easier said than done,” she replied, her gaze distant, as though she were already lost in the storm of uncertainty.
After we ate, I walked Lillian back to her apartment. Our mother’s car was in the driveway when we arrived, and both of us held our breath as we headed inside.
We gravitated toward the bedroom, our mother making a habit of retreating there after work, letting herself rot in her own misery.
I gave a silent nod to Lillian, feeling a prick of sadness as I knew we would come out of this in ruins.
Lillian pushed open the creaking door and stepped inside the room. The smell of cigars and trash immediately assaulted our senses. We walked along the carpet, which had once been a snowy white but was now stained brown and gray.
Mother stood by the stained window with ripped curtains, staring out into the distance as if she were in a daze. She didn’t even hear us walk in, only noticing us when Lillian slowly tapped her shoulder.
“Mom?”
She turned around, her eyes glazed and unfocused. There was a moment of silence as she processed our presence, and I could feel the tension crackling in the air.
“You’re back,” she stated flatly, her voice devoid of warmth.
Lillian took a deep breath. “I… I have something to tell you.”
“Get to it,” our mother replied, impatience evident in her tone.
“I’m pregnant,” Lillian finally blurted out, the words hanging in the air like a death sentence.
Mother’s expression shifted to one of disbelief, and the silence stretched painfully between us.
“Get out,” she said coldly, her voice sharper than a knife.
“Excuse me?” Lillian’s voice trembled, and I could see the hurt flash across her face.
“I said, get the hell out. I don’t want an irresponsible and disrespectful child living in my house.” She screamed, pointing her finger to the door.
The horror of our mother’s words washed over me like a cold wave, and I felt my own heart sink. How could she turn her back on Lillian in her time of need?
I watched with an aching heart as Lillian’s composure crumbled, her body shaking as she choked back sobs. “Please, Mom, I am so sorry. Just let me stay! I can’t bring this burden on my roommate.”
“That’s not my problem. Like you said, you’re over eighteen, so you’re not my problem anymore.”
Lillian’s tears fell freely now, but our mother turned her back, staggering out of the room.
I was horrified to see my sister treated like this, cast aside like a piece of trash. My mother was a stranger now, a cold-hearted and bitter figure who had given up long ago.
“It’ll be okay,” I whispered, placing a hand on Lillian’s stiff shoulders.
“You’re wrong,” she stated, her voice breaking. I could see her hope fading, the light in her eyes dimming.
“What now?” I asked, desperation creeping into my tone.
“Take me back.” She was already walking toward the front door before I could stop her, my heart racing as I followed.
Once I dropped her off at her apartment, a wave of despair crashed over me. I hoped for a miracle, but I was no fool. I’d rather be prepared for disappointment than have high hopes and feel utterly devastated.