Chapter 30 The Present
THE PRESENT
AMELIA
I felt myself morphing into a wandering ghost. My limbs moved as if they were no longer my own, each step a laborious effort.
I could feel my weakened heartbeat thumping in my chest, a dull reminder of my existence.
I could see the trees looming around me, yet I did not feel alive. Everything was slow and hazy, the world blurring into a confusing fog of shapes and shadows.
Caiden’s pace was weakening bit by bit, his earlier bravado and playfulness dwindling as fatigue set in.
We hadn’t spoken about the intimacy of the day I almost drowned in the river, how he saved me, and how he held me to his chest that night to warm me up. He held me all throughout the night, because when I had woken up, his arms were still locked around me.
We were running on adrenaline alone now, our bodies weakened by hunger and strained muscles. The unbearable weight of our situation pressed down on us.
A gnawing pain twisted in my gut, a relentless ache that wouldn’t vanish. It felt like something was eating away at my insides. I had never experienced hunger like this, not even on those nights when my mother would forget to make dinner.
Back then, at least I had some choices, even if I still went to bed with my stomach growling.
The hunger I felt now was debilitating, a raw, visceral reminder of my fragility. I now understood the expression of being so hungry you could eat anything.
We had managed to find some fresh water a few times, a small mercy that kept us from completely succumbing to despair. But it wasn’t enough.
Almost as if it were a gift from the heavens, Caiden broke the silence, beckoning me over to where he stood a few paces ahead.
Dragging my feet, I stumbled to where he was, my heart momentarily lifting at the prospect of discovery. He pointed to a bush, excitement flickering in his tired eyes.
“Berries,” he announced, his voice tinged with a hope I hadn’t felt in days.
“Berries?” I echoed, joy bubbling up in me.
Without wasting another second, we both began picking the ripe, round berries, tossing the sweet morsels into our mouths one by one. The taste burst on my tongue, a refreshing jolt that was like a glass of lemonade on a sweltering day.
I could feel life returning, if only for a moment.
But in our elation, we didn’t notice the presence that had silently joined us until it was too late.
A deep growl reverberated through the clearing, cutting through the haze of our momentary bliss. We both froze, our instincts kicking in.
Caiden looked first, and then I followed, my mind struggling to process the threat looming before us.
The black bear lifted its massive head, sniffing the air, its beady eyes glinting like the moon on a foggy night. The sight of such a powerful creature sent shockwaves through my body.
I knew black bears were less of a threat than brown bears, but they were still dangerous when cornered. If we stayed still and didn’t make any sudden movements, we might be okay.
That’s what I hoped. Helplessly.
The creature advanced, inching closer, its musty scent invading my senses. My heart raced, pounding against my chest as it drew nearer.
Just when it seemed the bear would turn away, a small creature scurried beneath us, rustling through the leaves. The bear swiveled its head, catching sight of us, letting out a low, territorial growl.
That’s when the panic settled in.
Before I could register what was happening, Caiden pushed me aside, darting into the shadows of the nearby bushes.
The force of his weight sent me sliding toward an opening, leaving me exposed in the bear’s line of sight.
I didn’t have time to feel hurt by Caiden’s actions. The raw fear of staring at the bear, feeling as if my chest were about to explode, was the only thing I could focus on.
I’ve heard there are two types of people in situations like this: those who take flight and those who fight. Caiden was clearly the type who ran. But me? I was neither.
My legs were numb, my feet glued to the ground, paralyzed by fear.
What would they call that? Freeze mode?
To my relief, a noise came from the opposite direction. The bear turned its head, lowering its snout to the ground as it sniffed, then walked away.
It probably realized I was no threat. Or maybe it sensed how deprived of meat I was; any fat on my body had withered away, leaving only flat skin.
Whatever the reason, it wasn’t interested. Not anymore.
In that moment, Caiden crept out from the bushes, and my face fell into an angry scowl as I unleashed the stress I had just endured.
“I can’t believe you left me!” I shouted, pushing against his chest in a fit of rage. “You left me to die so you could save yourself! Just when I thought you had a soul, you found a way to disappoint me.”
“I know,” he replied, the weight of guilt lingering in his tone. “I wasn’t thinking. I was desperate to not be mauled to death!”
“So, you decided I should be mauled instead?” My voice dripped with venom, and I could feel the anger coursing through my veins.
This was the Caiden I remembered, the selfish coward, the boy I loathed completely. A tiger can’t change its stripes, and neither could he.
“That wouldn’t have happened!” he snapped back, frustration evident in his eyes. “Once I got over the panic, I remembered that black bears are the least likely to attack for no reason.”
“Well, you realized that a little too late!” I shot back, my voice rising. “You left me exposed in front of a predator that sees human beings as prey. We are in their territory, that’s more than enough reason to attack.”
I was still shouting, overcome by a whirlwind of emotions. I couldn’t stop them; I couldn’t control them. They were coming at me full force, feeding off my panic-stricken adrenaline.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
Caiden’s voice softened, and he didn’t meet my eyes. I felt that he was only apologizing to make me shut up.
“Oh, now you want to apologize? Where was your apology when you impregnated my sister and led her to kill herself? Where was your apology after all the cruel things you did and said to me? Huh?” My throat was becoming hoarse from screaming at him.
“I don’t need you throwing that in my face right now. Yes, that was all messed up, but don’t you toss that at me. You’re not all that innocent either.”
“I don’t know why you can’t just take accountability.
I wouldn’t have had to act out if you didn’t bully me into insanity!
But of course, you must control the narrative like always,” I paused, and he only stared at me, a muted expression on his face.
My voice dropped to a whisper. “You might be strong on the outside, but you’re weak on the inside.
Terrified of allowing yourself to feel or deal with anything. Because if you do, you’ll break.”
The silence that followed was sharp, biting like ice. We stared at each other, heaving, layered with intense ferocity.
“We should keep moving,” Caiden finally said.
Just like that, with one sentence, he shut the door to that conversation, not allowing anything else to slip through into the open, shoving it back into the dusted dark.
We had been getting along a few days ago without any rude remarks or insults, but the days were stretching, and we were withering.
Our malnourished and sleep deprived state of minds were causing us to turn on each other like feral beasts.
I hoped that we would be rescued before we sank our claws into each other any deeper.
If we wanted to live, we would have to swallow our pride and forget the festering feud that had divided us for so long. But I wondered if it was even possible, given how vulnerable and unwell we were becoming in the unforgiving wilderness, becoming as fragile and cold as the biting wind.
Despair was a slow rot as we continued wandering, and it seeped into everything. The color of the sky, the taste of the air, the way Caiden’s voice scraped along my nerves whenever he spoke
We moved on, because that was all we could do.
Forward, forward, until there was no world left to walk through.
I counted steps in my head. One hundred, two hundred. Just to force time to pass.
I thought about all the ways we could die out here: a twisted ankle, a bear’s teeth, a slow bleed from the inside out. I wondered which would be quickest, which would leave the fewest regrets.
It should have ended with the bear. It should have ended with the black tongue of the river. It should have ended so many times, but every morning I woke, pressing my face to the filthy sleeve of my jacket, and the forest pressed back, unmoved, undefeated.
Life clung to me like a parasite, and I hated it almost as much as I hated the boy who limped two paces ahead of me, refusing to look back.
I was bone-tired, delirious, running mostly on spite and the scorched memory of every time Caiden had ever wronged me.
Darkness settled in layers. Grief bloomed beneath the cold moonlight. Despite Caiden’s presence, I felt undeniably alone. Was it inevitable for us to end up like this? Drenched with remnants of our anger, forced to survive together and not break. Doomed to hate each other, and die with each other.
A shadowed presence pressed close to my side. Was it Lillian? Or some other fragment of loss? The black woods shivered around me, and the trees went on and on.
These days, my heart was quiet, like chalk ground down to dust. The shudder of unseen things dragged their hunger through the dark, preying on our exhausted minds.
Time dissolved into fog out here. Bleeding through a haze of our decay. The dark watched us, almost mockingly. I looked closely into the dark, seeking some sort of light. Some slither of hope. Aching and and waiting for a glimpse of something soft.
Nothing moved but the haunt. Nothing answered but the dark. Always. My head pulsed with black static. A scream rose up my throat, but never left the bone.
I was beginning to lose sight of myself, of my hatred, of Caiden, of civilization.
All warmth became memory. Scattered in the ghost-light of the dark. The starless sky was no comfort, cascading like a beastly creature.
The ache of what does not return is spun into the marrow of night. An absence so deep like black water in the bones of winter.
I looked towards the sky.
Is this how you felt, Lillian? When you slipped away? Empty and alone?
I thought of my mother. How she might be feeling right now. Would she be cold and lonely too? Would she be wrapped up in her drugs right now? Does she think of me? Or her dead daughter?
I wish you would come back, mommy. But you won’t. And neither will I. Neither will Lillian. Both of your daughters are lost to the darkness, just like you.