Chapter 16 #3
He shook his head in irritation, mumbling under his breath, then looked at me once more.
“Yeah. Okay. I’m sure you did see something, but he’s gone, Amelia.
He can’t fucking hurt you,” he hesitated, before stepping closer, staring at me with a deadly glint in his eyes.
“Believe me, if someone did try to hurt you the way he did, I’ll fucking kill them. ”
Once the words left his mouth, he backed away, holding my stare, then turned and walked out the door, slamming it behind him.
I slid to the floor, back against the tile, hands shaking.
The anger wilted fast. What replaced it was worse. Hollow. Lonely.
I stared at the space where Blake’s face had been. Still felt the emptiness sucking at me, pulling me down.
Maybe that was the only thing that would ever make sense. The ghost of violence, the echo of his hands, the voice that told me I’d never be safe.
I pressed my forehead to my knees, shivering.
Even when the screaming stopped, the silence was a thousand times worse.
After, there was just static.
Everything I saw or touched seemed unreal. The light leaking through dirty windows, the clatter of forks and plates, even my own voice. All of it came from a distance, like bad audio on a screen.
I stumbled back to the table, faked a joke about the plumbing. Nobody bought it, but nobody pressed.
I think Alex tried to squeeze my hand, but the contact felt awkward, wrung-out. My skin was clammy. I tasted bile.
Caiden didn’t even glance up. His jaw clamped tight, expression stone. He ate in silence, not bothering to look my way.
Maybe that was the punishment. His withdrawal, the cold shoulder. It hurt more than any insult he could hurl at me.
The meal passed in fragments. Sabrina and Shane traded affectionate insults. Sydney faded into the background, snipping off comments when required. I tried to keep up, but inside my head it was raining glass. Shards of images, cuts of memory, darkness always at the edges.
Blake’s voice wouldn’t leave me alone. It echoed every time I looked up, saw the angle of the window, the gray meat of his face appearing in reflections. I heard laughter, and I remembered the crackle of his boots on the cabin floor. I tasted salt, and it became blood.
Every time Alex tried to talk to me, I’d see Blake’s dead grin rippling behind his head. Or I’d hear Caiden in the dark, ragged breath, and the way he used to say my name when he thought we wouldn’t make it out alive.
I hated how those voices mixed up, how I could never separate memory from the present day.
Maybe I belonged to trauma more than I ever belonged to myself.
For the rest of the day, I let the group lead me from place to place. The boardwalk blurred past my eyes.
More shops, more bright scarves and fake gold jewelry, the scent of caramel corn and burnt coffee. I moved through it all on autopilot, head hot and heavy.
Alex bought some ridiculous thing and made me wear it. Sabrina kept checking in, her green eyes bright with concern. I lied to her with practiced ease.
Caiden kept his distance. He was a void, a walking bruise. When I looked for him, he was always on the other side of the crowd, never close enough to touch.
I told myself I didn’t care. But of course I did.
I cared so much it made my teeth hurt.
Why did I want him close when he was the reason I was this fucked up?
By the time the group looped back to the pier, the sun was falling into the water, gold-red streaks carving up the horizon.
Shane said something about the view, how “perfect” the moment was.
I barely heard. I was digging my fingernails into my palm, grounding myself, counting the pulse in my wrist.
Alex tried to slide a hand around my waist. I let him. I even leaned in. But I watched Caiden instead, watched the line of his jaw, the muscle twitching as he refused to look at me.
If I could have crawled inside his head for one second, I would have. Just to see if he hurt the way I did. Just to be sure I wasn’t alone.
But I was alone. Always.
The air on the pier was colder now, raw. I shivered, but not from the wind.
Blake’s face flickered in my mind, then vanished. In its place was the memory of Caiden’s hands, rough and urgent, clutching me in the dark. I couldn’t let go of that. I didn’t even want to.
Maybe I was just waiting for him to break me again.
Sabrina asked if I was cold. I lied again. “I’m fine.”
The sky bled out, and so did I.
We stood there until the sun was gone and the boardwalk lights shivered on in the dusk.
I stared at the water, wondering if the churning waves ever got tired of swallowing pain. There was nothing left but memory and wanting, and neither would ever let me go.
I remembered something my mother would say when she wasn’t consumed by the monster of addiction. When she was as soft as an angel.
Catch a falling star, Amelia, and make a wish.
I remembered wishes I used to make: I wish my father would come back. I wish my mom could be nice all the time. I wish I had a normal family. I wish Caiden weren’t a monster. I wish I could escape his cruelty.
Now? I had one wish. I wish I could turn back time. Or maybe not exist at all.
I looked up at the sky.
Your innocent daughter is gone, Mom. She’s crippled just like you.
We can never go back.