Chapter 33
My emotions going into the doctor’s office on routine test days could be represented with the yin yang symbol—opposite yet interconnected feelings that swirl inside me.
At least, I think that’s what the symbol means.
My aunt Missy tried to explain the ancient Chinese philosophy to me one night while we gorged ourselves on chocolate chip cookie dough, but I think she got her information from Wikipedia when she was trying to learn more about her biological roots, so it’s quite possible we’re both off base.
Either way, that’s how getting these regimented tests done feels.
On the one hand, I push back the worry and invite in the positive thoughts.
The tests have only ever come back with good, normal results.
I haven’t been experiencing any symptoms that would lead anyone to believe that today’s results will be any different.
I’m healthy. I’m happy. I have a lot to be grateful for.
On the other hand, today’s results could be different.
There’s always the possibility that they will be, and quite frankly, it’s only a matter of time.
The swirl of emotions circles, so it doesn’t matter how many times I relegate the negative feelings to the recesses of my mind; they still niggle their way to center stage, demanding a chance to audition for the lead role.
A constant rotation of positive and negative.
Honestly, I’m surprised these days don’t leave me a nauseous mess.
“Hayley?” Joan smiles at me from the threshold of the door that separates the waiting room from the exam rooms. There are other nurses who work here, but for some reason Joan has been the one to initiate each of my visits over the years.
The familiar sight of her makes me feel both comforted and anxious.
I grab my purse and sling it over my shoulder as I follow her to the back, reminding myself that this visit will be like all the others. No need to worry.
“How’ve you been?” Joan asks kindly as we make our way down the hall.
“Doing well. What about you? How’s your husband?” Last time I was here, her husband had been in the ER a few floors down getting a fishing hook taken out of his hand and then a tetanus shot for good measure.
She rolls her eyes. “Would you believe me if I said he’s on a fishing trip with his buddies right now?”
I laugh at her exasperation.
“Boys, beer, and bass: a dangerous combination.” She shakes her head. “If I get called away because of an emergency, you’ll know why.” She stops in front of an open door. “You’ll be in exam room three today.”
I turn to enter through the open door but pull up short when a large figure farther down the hall captures my gaze. I know the broad expanse of those shoulders, the corded muscles of those forearms. I’ve kissed that bearded jaw.
“Levi?”
He stoops and disappears into the last room at the end of the hall, unaware that I’ve called out to him.
I blink. I hadn’t imagined him, had I? Like a Big Foot sighting but in an Appalachian doctor’s office instead of the wilds of the Pacific Northwest? My brow furrows. What is Levi doing here?
“Hey, Joan, was that Levi Redding going in for labs?” I point in the direction he’d gone, the room where all the blood draws are done.
She turns to look down the hall. “You know I can’t tell you the name and information of other patients.”
I chew on the inside of my bottom lip. “I know, but he’s my . . .”
My what? This isn’t a Mad Libs, but I am desperately looking for a noun. Except there aren’t any defining titles for what we are to each other. He’s more than simply the man I’m dating.
Levi is . . .
The man falling in love with me.
My chest expands. Unsure as I am about what is the right thing to do with handling Levi’s heart, I cannot contradict nor belittle his professed feelings.
Whether they happened fast or slow, convenient or unexpected, leaving me conflicted or lighthearted.
I could never do him such a disservice as to dispute what he says he feels for me.
What I know I feel for him in return.
Joan urges me into the exam room, but my feet are as heavy as my mind as I force them to carry me inside. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions that Levi is sick, but he’s also not the kind of man who goes to the doctor unless something is seriously wrong.
“Let’s get your vitals, shall we?” Joan wraps the blood pressure cuff around my upper arm and clips the oxygen monitor to my index finger. The cuff tightens around my bicep, but I pay it little mind. I’m still stuck on seeing Levi and what the implication could mean.
“Hmm. That’s a little high.” She frowns at the digital numbers on the machine. “Let’s get the rest of these questions answered, then I’ll take it again and see if it’s gone down any.”
She asks me the same questions I’ve been answering for almost two decades now. I consciously focus on my breathing while I answer, and when she retakes my blood pressure, it’s back in normal range.
“I’ll go let Dr. Pender know you’re ready for him.” Joan smiles at me as she shuts the door behind her.
I wait a few seconds, then tiptoe to the door, open it, and peek my head out. HIPPA may prevent any of the employees from telling me that Levi is here and why, but I’m not above taking this unsupervised moment to get him to tell me himself.
I feel a bit like Scooby-Doo and the gang as I creep down the hall.
I don’t want anyone to spy me before I can unmask this Levi-sized mystery and get some answers, so I try to be as quiet as possible.
My stealth is pointless, however, because when I turn the corner into the lab room, the phlebotomist’s chair that I expected Levi to be sitting in is empty.
Derek, the nurse who always draws my blood, looks up from a vial he’s placing a sticky label on. “Oh, hi, Ms. Holt. Has Dr. Pender sent you back for labs already?” He turns to his computer, presumably to check for the doctor’s order.
“Uh, no, not yet.” I eye the chair again and then lean back on my heels so I can peek past the doorway and down the hall. No Levi. I straighten and look back to Derek. “The man who was just here . . .” I begin.
Derek grins and retrieves a piece of paper from the counter behind him. “Yeah, he said you might come looking for him. Asked me to give this to you if you did.”
I take the paper from him. I want to consume his words right here, right now, but I make myself thank Derek and walk back to exam room three first. As soon as the door snicks closed behind me, I drop my gaze hungrily to the words penned there.
Hayley,
Don’t worry, I’ll explain everything soon. In the meantime, I know I’m not a doctor, but my prognosis is that everything is going to turn out more than okay.
Levi
P. S. I’m sorry that I don’t have another clue to give you, but if X marks the spot of my treasure, you’d be the 24th letter of the alphabet.
I don’t know whether to laugh, roll my eyes, or say aww.
Somehow, I manage a combination of all three, choking on a chuckle as I shake my head and grin like a madwoman.
The line is both incredibly cheesy yet incredibly tender.
The last thread of my shaky resolve to maintain any sort of emotional distance in order to safeguard his heart is snipped completely through.
My heart, now untethered, soars into realms of blissful euphoria.
I’m tempted to jump down from this exam table, reschedule my appointment, and find Levi right now to tell him that I won’t stand in the way of us any longer.
If he would rather savor every day we have together and live with those shared moments after I’m gone, then I want to make as many memories with him as possible, living each day without regret.
The door to the exam room opens, cutting off my escape plans and putting a damper on the joy of finally allowing myself to accept Levi’s unrestricted affection. I straighten my shoulders and clutch his letter closer, wishing it was his hand I held instead.
“Hayley, it’s good to see you again.” Dr. Pender comes in, and we shake hands. His gaze snags on Levi’s note. His eyes twinkle in a way that I’ve seen before. It’s the same look he gets whenever he has good news to give his patients.
I look down at the note, then back up at Dr. Pender. “Would you happen to know something about this and why Levi Redding is now a patient of yours?”
“Of course I do.” He breezes past my skewering look and accusing question. “But you also know I’m not going to tell you. Now, let’s talk about how you’re doing.”
“I’d be doing better if I knew why Levi was just here,” I say a bit petulantly. Dr. Pender has seen me at my absolute worst and has been my doctor for more than half my life. He’s comfortable and familiar, so it’s easy not to put on any sort of front with him.
Dr. Pender leans back and studies me. “Is that so?”
I squirm a little under his scrutiny.
“Before we go any further in this exam, do you have any questions or concerns you’d like to discuss?”
Now it’s my turn to study him. He always asks me this at every one of my appointments, but the way he poses the question seems different than before. “No?”
He sighs and nods. “Give me a moment.” Without another word, he exits.
I shift, the thin white exam table paper crinkling under me.
I consider leaving Dr. Pender my own note letting him know an emergency has occurred and I’ll call and reschedule.
No need to add the emergency is that I can’t wait another second to see Levi and tell him that I want to be with him fully, no holding back.
Before I can even begin to look for a pen, the door opens. Dr. Pender walks in, a looming Levi behind him.
“No one can accuse me of not putting the well-being of my patients first.” Dr. Pender grins. “You said you’d feel better if Mr. Redding were here, Hayley. Well, here he is. Feel better now?”
Levi and I stare into each other’s eyes. Can he see the shift in me? Every wall torn down, every door to my heart open to him?