Chapter 24
Val
I pour soil into the raised planter sitting in the community garden I’m starting.
I smile in satisfaction as the smell of dirt hits my nose.
Though March is still clinging to a winter chill, there’s a warming in the air that lets me know planting new flowers and plants isn’t too far off.
I’m merely waiting for the weather to stop doing its dance from cold to warm to cold again before I actually plant seeds.
Still, today is a sign of things to come. The sky is clear and a dazzling blue and hasn’t totally made its descent into nightfall though afternoon has passed. We hit sixty-five today, and after being in thirty-degree weather with an even colder wind chill, the temperature feels positively decadent.
Too bad my mood doesn’t match the weather.
I didn’t hear from Jabari at all after his appointment.
I thought about messaging him, but respecting his alone time is more important.
Still, curiosity burns. What did the optometrist tell him?
Is his vision worse off than they believed?
Is it declining? Or maybe the news was so good it sent him into shock.
My head shakes automatically at that last thought.
If Jabari received good news, I have no doubt I’d be one of the first people to find out—and quickly.
No, the fact that it’s been radio silence since yesterday tells me how hard the news was for him.
He doesn’t often show his pain, but I can’t help but remember the tears from when he cried.
How broken he seemed. Not in a never-coming-back kind of a way, but in the heartrending, soul-splitting pain one can go through. I’ve never experienced something so horrendous, but it’s not that hard for me to imagine either.
Probably why I’m out here exerting all my energy. If I can exhaust my body, maybe I’ll exhaust my mind. Or maybe it’ll push beyond my body and continue thinking.
Jabari confessing his feelings is another thing taking up space in my mind.
All I can picture is the attitude Jackie showed at lunch.
There was so much anger and hostility brimming in her.
I’m not sure if seeing him triggered old hurts or if she never healed from the initial wounds.
But knowing that Jabari gave me a different account of events has me wondering where her misplaced victim mentality stems from.
I want the sister who lets me express all my frustration and gives me good advice.
I want the sister who watches old rom-coms and giggles with me over some of the cheesy—but still quite romantic—lines spoken in the movies.
I want the sister who will go to bookstores with me, knowing I’ll go shopping with her in turn.
I miss our friendship and hate the distance between us.
But I also don’t want to give in to her whims. Even I can admit Jackie gets her way all too often. This isn’t a time when my desire to avoid conflict can change the situation for the better. Jabari is someone I don’t want to ignore just to be in my sister’s good graces.
Wanting to clear my mind, I reach for my cell and open my playlist. The songs are all ones to promote wellness in my plants with the side benefit of removing the weeds from my own mind.
So for the next few minutes, I prep flower beds and let my mind empty.
I practice some deep breathing and alternate humming along to the songs.
When everything is complete, I sit back and let out a sigh. Tipping my head up, I stare into the sky and imagine I can see through the atmosphere and right into the heavens. There’s something about the action of picturing the throne room that makes me smile and awes me all at once.
I want the peace Jesus offers so freely, but how do I shake the worry that’s clinging to me better than a Boston ivy to a fence? The words of Myron Butler’s song “Bless the Lord” fill my heart, and I sing quietly to myself. I sing until the worry eases and peace floods my heart.
Remember to fix your eyes on Jesus.
It’s something I have to remind myself often, but thankfully worship music always makes it easier for my brain to recalibrate with my heart and soul. Once I’m done singing, I head inside and down the stairs from the rooftop terrace.
The place is quiet, which means Fran might still be working or dining with a potential client.
I wash up, then start cooking. The recipe I found will make four servings, which means lunch for tomorrow and food for Fran if she’s interested.
She’s starting to have food aversions, so who knows if the tacos will send her running for the bathroom.
As I plate the food, I stare at my phone, willing it to ping with a notification. It remains silent, and my heart sinks with each passing second. How is Jabari? Does he want to reach out but feel like he can’t because of Jackie?
Just text him.
If he doesn’t want to respond or isn’t ready, surely he’ll just ignore me. I bite my lip, indecision sifting through me like I’m on a seesaw.
I open my messaging app and click on the microphone.
“I’ve been thinking and praying for you. Since I haven’t heard from you, I’m assuming the news wasn’t good. This is me just checking in to make sure you don’t need anything.” I pause. “Talk to you later.”
The message sits in my app, waiting for me to press send. As I think over my words, I cringe. It sounds so formal and awkward. That’s not how I talk to Jabari. Just because he declared feelings and my family doesn’t like him very much doesn’t mean I need to change.
I delete the message and record another one.
“So yesterday stunk, huh? I hate this for you. Please know I’m here when you’re ready to talk, or I can pretend like nothing bad ever happened. Whatever helps you. Maybe watch The Lost World to take your mind off things.”
I hit send before I can regret life choices.
My first bite of fish taco makes me dance in my seat. Before I can go for a second bite, a notification lights up my screen, and my heart picks up the pace at Jabari’s name.
“Val, you always reach out when I’m thinking of you. I was trying to figure out what to say that sums up yesterday. The only thing I can do is call a penalty on it. It was that foul.” A stiff chuckle follows. “Sorry, my attempt at an awful joke. That’s how you know it’s bad.”
“So you turn into a comedian when life gives you lemons?” I reply.
“Better than squirting lemon juice in the eye of my enemies.”
I laugh at his statement, then rewind since I missed the rest of his sentence.
“I’d rather be elbows up and gloves off, but they won’t let me skate.”
“Didn’t know you were a bruiser.”
Instead of another voice text, my phone rings.
“Hey, how are you?” I ask cautiously.
“I’ve been better.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“She declared me legally blind.”
Oh no. I can’t imagine the heartache that caused in him. His voice sounds weary and makes me wonder if he allowed himself to feel all the emotions or if life just drained him from onset. “What happens next?”
“I’m not sure. Coach left a voice mail telling me to come to his office tomorrow. Maybe instead of allowing me to retire, they’ll just drop me.”
“They wouldn’t do that, right? I’ve heard the Warriors have a really great reputation in the front office.”
“They do, but I can’t keep my thoughts from spiraling.”
I sigh. “That was me this evening, so I started a community garden.”
“Literally?” Jabari snorts.
“Quite literally. You know me and all things green.”
“Did it work? Are you spiral free?”
“I’m a little dizzy but not much.”
“Sadly, I have no plants and no clue on how to start a garden.”
“Guess I’ll just have to fill your place with plant babies, then. Surely you have somewhere we can start an urban garden for you.”
“You trust me to see if they need weeding and watering?”
Good question. “If I get ones that only need water on a weekly basis, it’s a matter of routine. Or I can just come in once a week and make sure they’re still alive.”
“That option. Then I can see more of you.”
The words bring heat to my cheeks and have my lips fighting a smile. And though I’m not willing to dwell on Jabari’s feelings, I can’t help but notice them in the moment.
I don’t hate the dazzling sensation they create in my middle. Not even one tiny bit.