CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE CECI
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Ceci
Ceci saw Clarke rushing down the hospital hallway. He looked concerned. He looked like he cared. And deep down, she knew he did. But not enough.
“You just had to make it all about you, didn’t you?” Ceci cried once he’d reached her. She’d be damned if he’d be the first one to speak. “I can understand wanting to win, but you didn’t have to do it this way.”
“You think I did it on purpose?”
“No. You were focused on one and only one driver. And it wasn’t Anker. It wasn’t about you winning, it was all about Tilney losing, and you were going to do anything to make damn certain it happened.”
“Why the fuck did you have to hire that guy? You don’t even want to be a team principal anymore. You want to drive.”
“It’s still my job. I don’t expect you to give up your job for me.
” She paused. “What are we doing here? What am I doing here? I am not going to let you turn this around on me. You’re the one who made that move on the track to stick it to Tilney.
And all you did was end the season for Anker, my lead driver.
It’s just sheer luck he wasn’t killed and he’ll still be able to race, but only after a lot of hard work and physical therapy.
So, Sir Galahad, are you proud of yourself? What a gallant thing you’ve done.”
He hung his head. She almost felt sorry for him.
“I’m sorry, Ceci. I really am. I hate that I’ve done this.”
She suddenly felt nauseated. And she knew why. Because the truth that had been staring them in the face, the one they’d chosen to ignore, couldn’t be ignored. Not anymore.
She sighed. “I think I was waiting for you to say those words, wanting to hear them from you, thinking that would solve everything. But now I realize it doesn’t. You can’t honestly tell me that you weren’t angry at me behind that wheel, maybe even wanting to stick it to me.”
“No!”
There were tears in his eyes. She had no tears left.
He took a step toward her but suddenly stopped. She didn’t want him to hold her or even touch her right now. He must have read it in her eyes.
He sighed. “Look, am I angry that you hired Tilney? Yes. But at the same time, I realize there was nothing you could do about it. Your hands were tied. But can’t you understand why I would still be angry?”
“I can. I do. You would have preferred I did something noble, like refusing to hire him, even quitting as team principal if necessary.”
He shook his head adamantly. “No, I would never expect—”
“You wouldn’t expect me to do it, but I think you hoped I would.”
He didn’t respond and she knew why. Because he knew what she’d said was true.
“Let’s be honest, Clarke. This thing could only work as a fake relationship. When you win, I lose. And when I win, you lose. We’re nearing the end of the season now, but what about next season? What if Tilney is still driving for Blue Jet and I’m still team principal?”
“I don’t know. And you don’t either.”
“Okay, here’s what I do know. I’ll never forget what you did today.
I know you didn’t mean to. I know you’re sorry.
Really sorry. Painfully sorry. I can see it on your face.
I know you would take it back if you could.
Even if it meant losing. But all of that doesn’t change the fact that I won’t forget it.
You won’t either. And that means it’ll be there.
Here. Always.” She drew a deep breath. “I have to go check on Ian.”
She turned and began to walk down the hallway, but then stopped and swung around.
“If Anker hadn’t been so badly injured, if it weren’t for the fact that he won’t be able to finish the season, I could almost say that what happened is a good thing.
Because it showed us what we both needed to see, told us what we both needed to hear.
It’s been there the whole time; we were just too blind and deaf to realize it.
Or maybe we just didn’t want to. That’s probably what it was.
“Part of the reason I am the way I am is because of my father, and I really hate the fucking asshole for everything he’s ever said and done.
” She chortled. “I mean for everything he’s never said and done.
And yet, I wouldn’t change who I am. I like who I am.
And I won’t change for anybody. Even if I weren’t team principal for Blue Jet, can you honestly say you can see yourself with someone like me, when you think about how every single date between us has ended? ”
“But they haven’t ended that way lately. Not since we got together.”
“And you think that will continue? Or maybe you hope it will. I can understand that. But I also understand that’s not possible, not given who I am and who you are.
I’m always going to be the same in-your-face Ceci Rivers.
And you’re always going to be that well-mannered gentleman.
You’ll hate it when I get in the middle of some commotion or brawl, and you’ll try to stop me, try to make nice with everybody, play the diplomat.
And we know from past dates where that gets us.
We’re just too different, Clarke. It’s like putting Tabasco in single malt scotch. ”
She opened her mouth as if to say something, but realizing there was nothing more to say, turned and walked away.