Chapter 19
SAWYER
THE BITE OF cold air was exactly what I needed as I stepped out onto the terrace, needing some distance from all the emotions that felt like they’d hit me all at once.
God, the night had been going so well, too. Beckett and I were on the same page again after my faux pas last night, and somehow we’d even gotten many of the answers right…minus the feather boa I’d finally taken off.
Just sitting beside him had my stomach flipping and my body reacting in a way not suitable for a room filled with family, but it was more than that.
There was a deep ease and comfort that I’d never felt with anyone before, and that freaked me out.
This wasn’t a normal situation where I’d met a guy and we’d hit it off.
Beckett was someone I’d hired. That made these muddy waters that I had no idea how to navigate.
He’d only known me for a few days, but every time Rome read off another question, he seemed to already know what I was going to say. He noticed things about me that Peter never had. Or maybe it was that Peter had noticed once and decided he didn’t care enough to remember.
Fucking Peter.
I braced my hands on the terrace railing and stared out at the dark line of trees that loomed past where the resort lights reached.
The lake was barely visible in the distance, just a black shimmer beneath the moonlight.
It was colder tonight than it had been since we arrived, and I was shivering, though I wasn’t ready to go back inside yet.
Because I could still see Peter and Alec, their boards matching, and that sick feeling that overwhelmed me when they’d answered a simple question.
It shouldn’t have bothered me, but was just intimate enough that it proved Peter was really with someone else now, even if I’d seen the cracks in their relationship the rest of the night.
He was still here, still rubbing my face in what he had now, and it sucked.
There, those were my true feelings: it fucking sucked.
And it wasn’t because I wanted him back, God no.
At least I felt some small sense of relief that now I knew I was better off without him, but with that realization came other hurts.
That I’d been so easy to get over. That he hadn’t been invested in a future with me and I’d been too blind or too scared to see it. Even now, he didn’t want me, but he didn’t want me to be happy with anyone else. If I didn’t move on, it was a stroke to his ego.
The thing was, I was moving on. I could feel it happening, and that was the part that had me so screwed up.
It all sounded great in theory, but the reality was far messier.
Every time Beckett’s hand took mine I felt hope flicker to life, but all I really wanted was to snuff it out before it got big enough to hurt me.
Because Beckett was… God, he was this beautiful, intense, unshakable force with hypnotic eyes and a mouth that could ruin my entire life if I let it. And he wasn’t even mine. Not really. Not the way everyone inside thought he was.
The door opened behind me, and I stiffened before I could stop myself.
“Relax, it’s just me,” Rome said. “I think your man would dropkick Peter before letting him come out here.”
“Break over already?”
“Nah, we’ll give everyone enough time to get a little drunker before the next round.”
“Sounds dangerous.”
“Or incredibly entertaining.”
He came to stand beside me at the railing, following my gaze and letting the cold night air settle between us. For a long time he was silent, which tipped me off that my brother had an ulterior motive; he just wasn’t diving into it yet.
“Shouldn’t someone with such a hot new boyfriend look a hell of a lot happier right now?”
“And there it is.”
“What? I waited a full minute. Practically a saint over here.”
“No one would accuse you of saintly behavior,” I said, side-eyeing him. “You’re wasting your breath, though. I’m fine.”
“Riiight. That was almost convincing. Wanna try again?”
“Not really.”
“Cool, then I’ll talk.”
“Or you could just stare at the moon with me.”
Rome ignored that. “Look, I’m not gonna do the whole brother lecture thing, because Hudson has that covered and also because I’m too young and hot to give off dad energy—”
“More like insufferable energy.”
“—but I am going to say this.” His voice softened a bit, and that made me stop pretending I wasn’t listening. “Don’t let Peter fuck with your head.”
I started to refute that, but I had the curse of wearing my emotions all over my face. Another reason I’d left the room.
I ran my hand through my hair and stared at the lake. “It’s not like that.”
“What’s it like?”
“It’s…it’s weird, okay? Seeing him with someone else. Watching him sit there like he didn’t just blow up my life and then show up here with Alec like it’s no big deal.”
“Yeah,” Rome said. “I figured. But you’re here with Beckett and you two got almost all of your answers right. In front of Peter. I’d say you’re winning.”
“I know, I know. And it’s not that I want Peter back. At all. That’s not what this is. I know it looks pathetic—”
“Stop.” Rome’s expression had changed, all teasing gone as he turned to face me. “It doesn’t look pathetic. It looks like someone you loved hurt you and now you’re having to watch him pretend he didn’t. That’s different. And fucked up.”
I swallowed and looked away again. “He knew Alec’s answer. That’s all. It’s stupid.”
“It’s not stupid.”
“It is, though. One answer in a dumb game and I’m ready to launch myself off this terrace.”
“No. It’s proof that he’s capable of paying attention when he feels like it, and that hurts like a bitch because you spent two years wishing he’d do that with you.”
God, I hated when Rome was perceptive. I much preferred when he was oblivious.
“Yeah,” I said, nodding. “Maybe so.”
He went quiet awhile, but then bumped me with his shoulder. “You know what else I saw tonight, though?”
“Your reflection in every window?”
“Besides that. Though the lighting is fantastic in there.” He grinned and waited until I looked at him before nodding at the rec room. “I saw you with Beckett.”
Just hearing his name sent a thrill through my body that came out as a shiver. I crossed my arms, playing it off like it was from the cold. “What about me with Beckett?”
“You looked happy.”
I let out a breath and looked through the glass, where Beckett stood near the snack table talking to Mom as they both loaded up little plates.
He was listening to whatever she was saying, nodding and replying, and damn, he looked good there.
Too good. Like he fit in with my family in all the right ways.
“He’s easy to be around,” I said, because that felt safer than anything else I could think of.
Rome snorted. “No offense, but you haven’t been looking at him like he’s ‘safe.’”
“Yes, I have.”
“Sure, if safe means you want to climb him and trust him with your social security number. Safe works.”
“And everyone says you’re just a pretty face,” I said, giving him a playful slap on the cheek. “You’re also kinda funny.”
“Oh, I have a lot more going for me, but that’s nothing you need to know about.”
“I could’ve lived my whole life without that sentence.”
Rome grinned and looked back at the rec room. “Mom seems to like him.”
“She does.”
“And he’s good with you.”
“Takes a superhuman for that,” I said, and when he shot me a gimme-a-break look, I reluctantly backtracked. “Fine, yes, he is. He doesn’t make everything a thing, does that make sense?”
“Unlike us.”
“God, yes, unlike all of us.” I felt the urge to tell Rome what I’d done and who Beckett really was, but the words got stuck in the back of my throat. He would listen, probably wouldn’t even give me much shit for it either, since he was being so understanding, so really, I should tell him now.
But then it would change how he looked at Beckett, and I didn’t know if that information would trickle down through the family until they all saw him differently, and he’d been nothing but kind to them. To me.
Whatever this was, whatever mess I’d created, I didn’t want to hand anyone a reason to think of him as anything other than the amazing man who was there for me. With me.
Especially not when I was starting to have feelings for him.
So I snapped my mouth shut and swallowed it down. Only Rome watched me do it.
“What were you going to say?” he asked.
“Nothing.”
“You’re a terrible liar.”
“Years of being too emotionally transparent, I guess. Tragic condition.”
“Yeah, terminal, probably.”
“Send flowers.”
“And thoughts and prayers.” He leaned his hip against the railing, studying me in that annoying brotherly way that told me he wasn’t done yet. “You can talk to me, you know.”
“I am talking.”
“Sawyer.”
“I know, I know.”
“Do you? I mean it—don’t let Peter fuck this up for you.”
“Yeah. It’s just… It’s a little complicated, is all.”
“Nothing good’s ever easy.”
I narrowed my eyes on him. “Who are you and what have you done with my brother? Are you his stunt double?”
“Hey, I contain multitudes, thank you very much.” He glanced through the glass again, right as Beckett started toward the terrace doors with a couple of small plates in hand. “Hey, quick, your hot boyfriend is coming, so if you’re about to deny you’re into him, do it fast.”
“What’s that term you learned shooting in London? ‘Bugger off’?”
“That’s the one,” he said, grinning again. “And for the record, I like him for you.”
Damn. That did something to my insides. Something warm and stupid and not at all what I thought I’d be feeling this time last week.
“Yeah?” I said.
“Yeah. And I think you do too.”
The terrace door slid open before I could respond, and Beckett stepped outside. “Mind if I join you?”
“Please do. Rome’s trying to emotionally harass me.”
“That’s a weird way of saying support,” Rome said.
Beckett handed me a plate with one of everything from the snack table, and then gave one to Rome.
Rome practically purred as he looked down at it. “And he feeds us? Sawyer, marry him.”