Chapter 29
SAWYER
IBARELY REMEMBERED walking to the groom’s lounge.
One second I was leaving the cabin with my garment bag over my shoulder, and the next I was standing outside the room the resort had given us to get ready in, staring at the brass handle.
My hand was still tightly wrapped around my cuff links, and the sharp edges bit into my palm. I didn’t loosen my fingers or breathe or any number of things that could’ve calmed me down before I walked inside and faced my brothers.
I just stood there.
My family always said I wore my emotions on my sleeve for anyone to notice, and if that were true, then I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to act like everything was okay today. Like I was fine putting on a tux and smiling when I was still reeling from the bomb Beckett had dropped.
My throat burned, and I felt a traitorous sting prick behind my eyes. I dropped my forehead to the door, closing my eyes, willing myself to get it together. I couldn’t cry, not today.
It was probably ridiculous that that was all I could think. Not about how angry I was, or even the fact that Beckett had lied. And not that I missed him already, which was so humiliating that I wanted to peel my own skin off.
Just don’t cry.
The door opened suddenly and I nearly fell forward into Hudson, but he caught me by the arms before I could face-plant into his shirt.
“Sawyer?”
I jerked back, my face hot. “Shit, sorry.”
Hudson’s expression changed immediately. Behind him, Rome stood in front of the mirror with his bow tie hanging loose around his neck, but whatever he’d been about to say disappeared on his tongue the second he saw me.
The door clicked shut behind me, and I stood there with my garment bag in one hand, cuff links cutting into the other, unable to decide where to put anything, including myself.
“Hey,” Rome said, his voice softer than I was used to as he crossed the room. “What happened?”
I didn’t know what to say, or do—all I could manage was shaking my head.
Hudson took the garment bag from me and hung it on a nearby rack, while Rome looked down at my fist.
“Why don’t you give me those before you brand yourself?”
I blinked. “What?”
“The cuff links.”
I looked at my hand like it belonged to someone else, the diamonds flashing in the light where they peeked out, and slowly opened my fingers.
The cuff links sat in my palm, small, square red marks pressed into my skin.
Rome took them from me, and the gentle way he moved made the room blur for half a second.
Nope. I wasn’t doing it.
I turned away, dragging a hand over my face. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not,” Hudson said. “Is it Peter?”
Rome cursed. “Do we need to get a shovel?”
I was still shaking my head, and the words came out before I could stop them. “Beckett isn’t the escort I hired.”
Dead silence filled the room. Complete, brutal silence.
Rome’s mouth opened. Closed. Opened again. All the while Hudson only stared at me, and for a moment I wondered if I’d only thought the words.
“Sorry, back up,” Rome said. “You hired an escort?”
Oh. Right. They hadn’t known that part.
I needed to sit down.
I stumbled forward and landed hard in the first chair I came across, keeping my eyes on the carpet so I didn’t have to look either of them in the eye.
“I did, and I thought it was Beckett, he…he was supposed to be my fake boyfriend. I panicked when you told me Peter was coming, and I didn’t want to show up alone and pathetic while Peter shoved his new relationship in my face, and I got desperate and”—I took a deep breath—“I hired someone.”
Both of my brothers were so very still that I could only hear my own heartbeat. Hell, they probably could too with the way it hammered.
“You hired someone,” Hudson said.
“Repeating it isn’t helping.”
“I’m trying to understand.”
“I know.” God, I hated the way my voice came out so small. “I was embarrassed, okay? I didn’t want you guys looking at me like I was breakable all week, and I didn’t want Mom and Mama worrying. And I…I just didn’t want Peter to think he’d won.”
Rome lowered himself on the arm of the couch beside where I sat. “Sawyer—”
“It’s ridiculous, I know that, okay? But at the time it felt less humiliating than coming here alone.”
It wasn’t just concern that flickered in Hudson’s eyes then. It was understanding.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” he asked.
“Because you would’ve talked me out of it.”
“Yes.”
Rome lifted a finger. “I would’ve at least asked follow-up questions first.”
“It doesn’t matter now,” I said, rubbing both hands over my face. “Beckett wasn’t even the guy I hired. Something I found out about fifteen minutes ago.”
Hudson and Rome exchanged looks, looking even more confused.
“He was just there.” I dropped my hands and forced myself to say it, because apparently they couldn’t read my mind. “At the hotel lounge. I thought he was the man I was supposed to meet, but he wasn’t and he let me believe he was.”
I’d never seen my brothers so intently listening to anything in their lives as I told them everything.
Who Beckett really was. Why he’d been at the lounge in the first place.
How he’d agreed to spend the week here with me.
How I thought it was turning into something more.
But then I’d found his work badge and he’d confessed to it all.
For a long time, no one said anything, just sat with all of it. If I hadn’t been so destroyed, I might’ve been impressed I’d left them both speechless for once.
But then Rome exhaled and said, “Oh, Saw,” and that almost broke me.
I swallowed, my gut twisting again. “I feel so stupid.”
“No.” Rome pushed to his feet. “None of that.”
“Rome—”
“I’ll give you pissed off, blindsided, confused, betrayed, hurt, but stupid is not on the approved list.”
“I hired a fake boyfriend who wasn’t even the fake boyfriend I hired.”
Hudson winced, and I couldn’t blame him. It sounded even worse out loud.
“Okay,” Rome said carefully. “When you say it like that, it does sound…unfortunate.”
“Shitty.” Hudson crossed his arms, still in just his undershirt with his tuxedo pants. “Just say it. It’s shitty.”
“Yeah.”
“Really shitty.”
I shot him a glare. “Again, I’m aware.”
“But…”
“There’s a but?”
“There’s a but,” Hudson confirmed, but Rome only stifled a snort, balling his fist in front of his mouth.
“I’m trying really hard not to say the wrong thing,” Rome said.
“Are you twelve?”
Rome rolled his eyes. “Continue.”
“As I was going to say, there’s a but”—Hudson’s eyes flicked to Rome like he was daring him to say something—“and it’s that Beckett signed up for this.”
“Uh oh,” Rome said. “I think big bro has a point, even if it might be the first and last valid one he’s ever made.”
“For God’s sake.” Hudson closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“Hey, I’m adding to your thought here.”
“Add to it better.”
“Fine. Is there a chance—like a small, miniscule chance—that maybe part of this is good?”
I swallowed thickly. “Define good.”
“Well…he’s not an escort, for one.”
“Okay…?”
“The lie is shit. No denying that. But have we missed the part where this guy wasn’t being paid to like you?
Where he met you by accident and still came with you and dealt with all of us and let me call him Tracksuit for a week?
” When I just stared at him, he held his hands up.
“I’m just saying, that part’s kind of important too. ”
Hudson nodded, though he looked reluctant to agree with anything Rome said. “Beckett could’ve just walked away. He should’ve told you. Immediately. He’s not off the hook for that, but if he wasn’t being paid then everything he did was a choice.”
“A choice to”—Rome let out an exaggerated cough—“be with you.”
I blinked. There it was. The thing I hadn’t wanted to touch yet.
Beckett had lied…but he’d also stayed. Both things were true.
And I had no idea what to do with that.
My mind raced as Hudson clapped me on the shoulder and went back to steaming his shirt, while Rome brought us all whiskey shots from the bar cart to “take the edge off.”
A few minutes later, Hudson came over with my tux shirt and held it out. “Put this on.”
I stared at it.
“Arms go in the sleeves.”
“I know how shirts work.”
“Good. Prove it.”
I sighed and stood, removing my shirt to put that one on.
I could see my reflection in the full-length mirror, and it was strange seeing the man staring back.
I looked a little pale, eyes a little red even though I hadn’t actually let any tears fall, but other than that…
I seemed outwardly okay. Maybe. I could go out there and stand with my brothers and watch my parents promise forever all over again without anyone thinking I looked too tragic.
But Beckett would know.
“I…” I swallowed. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to see him. At the ceremony. Like nothing happened.”
Hudson came to stand beside me, meeting my eyes in the mirror as he straightened his cuffs. “You don’t have to act like nothing happened.”
“Yes, I do. It’s Mom and Mama’s day.”
“So be present for them. That doesn’t mean pretending you’re fine.”
I looked down, smoothing the front of my shirt.
“I keep thinking about all the times he’s been there for me this week.
He was so good about looking after me and checking in and giving me space exactly when I needed it.
I just don’t think I could’ve gotten through all this without him.
No, I know I couldn’t have.” My ribs ached every time I breathed, but that felt less about betrayal and more like something was missing.
“He lied, but…he didn’t push or make me feel used.
He made me feel like I’m worth something. ”
“That matters,” Hudson said.
“Does it matter enough, though?”
“We can’t answer that for you.”
“Well, can you make an exception?”
“How about my words of wisdom instead?” Rome said, throwing his arm around my shoulders. “You don’t have to decide right this second to forgive him, Saw. You’re allowed to be pissed off and still like him. Or miss him and not want him too close.”
“To know he hurt you and still know he was good to you,” Hudson said.
My eyes burned again, and I looked away from the mirror, because if I watched them or my own face for too much longer, I was going to lose it.
“I hate this,” I said.
“I know,” Hudson said.
“I hate that I miss him.”
“Seems inconvenient.”
“Extremely.”
“But not stupid,” Rome added.
I let out a breath, and the tightness in my chest eased a little.
Maybe not the embarrassment part, but the anger and the hurt.
Maybe I hadn’t been stupid. Maybe I’d wanted something real so badly that I’d jumped at the chance for it before realizing I didn’t have all the facts.
That didn’t make me stupid, though—that made me human.
Somehow that was both better and super freakin’ annoying.
I finished getting dressed, making sure I looked the part of the supportive son who wasn’t having an emotional breakdown. Rome stepped in front of me to fix my boutonniere, then patted my chest.
“There,” he said. “Devastated but devastating.”
I managed a small smile, or at least tried for one. The hurt was still there, lodged deep, and I knew the second I saw Beckett it would probably twist all over again, but my brothers had given me something else to hold on to.
The time to the ceremony drew close, and as I followed Hudson to the door, he paused and glanced over his shoulder. “One more thing.”
I braced myself for what he was about to say.
“If you want him gone, just say the word.”
“That goes for your trash ex too,” Rome said. “I’ve been wanting to see him dumpster-dive all week.”
I probably should’ve let them deal with Peter that way, but Beckett? I tried to picture his leaving. There wouldn’t be any awkward glances during the ceremony or my feeling his blue eyes on me while I stood up there. And while it should’ve felt easier that way, it didn’t. At all.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t know what I want from him, but I don’t want him gone.”
There. That was the messy, terribly inconvenient truth all laid out, and my brothers didn’t look at all surprised about it.
Taking in a deep breath, I followed Hudson out into the hallway, where the faint sound of music drifted over from the pavilion. The ceremony was about to start, which meant Beckett was out there, probably feeling pretty damn guilty and wishing he were anywhere else now.
His lie had hurt like hell, but the man underneath it?
God help me…I still wanted him.