Chapter 32
BECKETT
THE MUSIC FROM the reception drifted faintly across the grounds, where I stood at the fence of the stables, my arms resting on the rail.
I’d rolled up the sleeves of my dress shirt and loosened my tie, not all that appropriately dressed for the location, but it didn’t matter to me whether I got dirt on my shoes.
Duchess was staring at me—more like glaring at me—from where she stood a few feet away getting saddled up for a ride. Not for me, thank God, and she was probably grateful for that too.
She was swishing her tail, and I knew that was directed at me. It felt like her way of showing her disapproval, and I could only nod.
“I get it,” I said. “I don’t like me much either right now.”
The groom saddling her glanced over at me, following my gaze to Duchess’s tail. “She does have strong opinions.”
“Oh, I learned that firsthand.”
“She’s actually one of our sweeter girls.”
I held back a snort as Duchess shook her head like she didn’t believe that any more than I did.
The groom patted her neck and went back to checking her straps, and I glanced over at the trail again, trying to quiet the restlessness I was feeling.
I hadn’t left, but it wasn’t right to crash the reception either. I was stuck in a holding pattern, not even sure if I was welcome, fighting my instincts by trying to respect Sawyer’s wishes and then worrying I was doing it the wrong way.
Footsteps slowed on the gravel behind me, and I felt an awareness at the back of my neck. I straightened, knowing before I turned around who had found me.
Sawyer stood at the edge of the stable yard in his tux, one hand in his pocket, the other nervously brushing through his windblown hair. His boutonniere sat a little crooked on the lapel of his jacket, like he’d left the reception in a hurry.
His gaze traveled past me to Duchess. “If you’re planning to run away on her, I don’t think you’ll get far.”
The groom coughed like he was hiding a laugh, and I glanced behind me at Duchess, who was still watching me.
“Actually, she and I have agreed we’re better at a distance,” I said.
Then I realized how those words might sound and hoped Sawyer wouldn’t agree that he and I were the same.
I turned back to him, unable to help the way my gaze ran over his body, checking for hints of how he was feeling. His shoulders were tight, but his eyes kept coming back to mine no matter how many times he tried to look away. That gave me a little hope, though I didn’t trust it yet.
“I didn’t know if you were already gone,” he said.
I shook my head. “No.”
“Good. Or not good. I don’t know. I’m still deciding.”
“I understand. I’ll wait while you do.”
He nodded, glancing around the stable yard, at the horses roaming nearby, at the trail beyond the fence. “My parents told me to find you.”
“Did they?”
“Yeah. Kicked me out of the reception and everything.”
I braced my hand on the fence. “And…did you want to?”
When Sawyer’s mouth opened, then closed, I realized the answer wasn’t going to be a simple yes or no.
“Okay, I lied. I didn’t want you gone,” he said, finally. “But that’s as far as I got.”
My fingers tightened around the rail. He was here. That was all that mattered right now.
“I told you I needed space, and I did. But then you said you were leaving, and that felt”—he shook his head—“wrong. It felt wrong.”
Sawyer looked down at the ground between us, scuffing the toe of one of his polished shoes through the dirt.
“And then I was standing there at the reception, surrounded by everyone and thinking, okay, this is what I asked for. You gave me exactly what I wanted, so congrats to me, but somehow it all just felt like absolute shit.”
“That’s not what I wanted.”
His eyes flicked up to mine. “No?”
“No.”
“See, that’s the problem,” he said as he began to pace.
“I know that now. I know you weren’t trying to hurt me more, which is what makes it so damn hard to stay mad, and I want to be mad.
I mean, I was mad. But then my brothers got involved, and my moms got involved, and that’s all bullshit because they kept saying annoyingly reasonable stuff that makes it hard to stay mad. ”
Despite everything, the corner of my mouth twitched. “That sounds terrible.”
“It was. Fucking horrible.” He pointed at me. “And don’t you dare smile. I’m still in the middle of a very serious monologue.”
I held my hands up in surrender so he could keep going, and he took in a deep breath and went back to wearing the ground thin between us.
“They said you stayed because you wanted to, and after the hotel you kept choosing to be there, and I didn’t want that to matter because of the lie, but it does. It matters.”
“I did,” I said, holding his gaze. “I did choose to stay.”
“Then tell me why.”
The groom led Duchess a few steps away, giving us more privacy without making it too obvious. Duchess tossed her head once, like she expected the answer to be good enough for her too.
“I stayed because of you,” I said. “At first I was curious. And attracted to you, which is a given, but…you walked into the lounge terrified and still made jokes. Even when you were hurting, you still worried about whether I was comfortable. You’re always trying to make the people around you feel okay. ”
Sawyer had stopped pacing, listening intently.
“I stayed because when you ramble, you think you’re just filling space, but you actually give yourself away in the middle of it. What you care about. What scares you. How hard you’re trying. And half the time I wanted you to keep going just so I could hear where your mind would go next.”
He dropped his eyes, but not before I saw the way that had reached him.
“I stayed because you look at your family like they’re the loudest, most exhausting people on earth, but also the safest place you know. Because you light up every time your moms are happy. Because you tease your brothers nonstop, but it’s only because you care about them so much.”
He was still looking at the ground, but a flush tinged his cheeks.
Good. He needed to hear this.
“I stayed because Peter tried to make you smaller, and you kept fighting to find yourself again. Because you knew how to handle horses and didn’t make me feel like an idiot when I didn’t. Because you wore your heart on your sleeve and acted offended when anyone noticed.”
“Okay,” Sawyer said, biting his lip. “That’s…a lot of specifics.”
“I have more.”
He looked up, and I saw the hesitation in his eyes. The way he wanted to believe what I was saying was true.
“I stayed because you made me want to wake up in the morning because you’re there.
Because I think it’s adorable that if they had coffee IVs, you’d be the first in line to get one.
The way you pretend to be annoyed when you’re really feeling emotional.
The way you’re the first one out on the dance floor, doing the Worm just to make everyone else smile. ”
Sawyer bit the inside of his cheek.
“I stayed because somewhere along the way, this stopped being about helping you get through a shit week and became about wanting to know the man who I hoped would still be there after it ended.”
It was so quiet that the music from the reception could be heard again, reminding me that he’d walked away from it to stand there with me.
“And I hate,” I said, “that I hurt you while figuring that out.”
Sawyer’s eyes were glistening, but he didn’t look away this time.
“That was a very good answer,” he said.
“I meant every word.”
He nodded slowly, and I held my breath. It was a lot to ask of him, I knew that. But God I wanted him.
He took a step toward me. “I’m going to be very clear, and you’re going to listen.
Because no more lies, Beckett. No more deciding you know what I can handle.
No more keeping something from me because you’re scared I’ll walk away, and no more of that noble, self-sacrificing stuff where you decide for both of us and then act like it’s for my benefit. ”
I nodded. “No more. I agree.”
“I mean it.”
“I know you do. You should.”
“And if something is ugly, I want that too. Especially that. That’s where all the important crap hides, apparently.”
“You’ll have it.”
“I’m not saying I’m over it.”
“I don’t expect you to be.”
“And I’m not saying you won’t have to make it up to me many, many times over.”
“Understood.”
“I mean it. There will be times it takes all night, and some of the mornings too, because of how much apologizing you’ll have to do.”
I hid my smile. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make it up to you. I promise.”
“Good.” The smallest smile curved his mouth, and it almost knocked me sideways. Not because this magically fixed everything, because it didn’t. But because it was real and directed at me, and I hadn’t realized how starved I’d been for even that small piece of him until I saw it.
Sawyer stepped closer, slowly closing the distance between us.
“You weren’t the guy I hired, but”—he looked up at me almost shyly—“turns out you were exactly who I needed.”
“Sawyer…”
“More than that, you’re who I want.”
For a second, all the restless parts of me stopped. The guilt, the fear, all that had been bubbling up inside of me, went still. Sawyer had come here unsure, and somehow he was standing in front of me, offering a chance with both eyes open now.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “For the lie. For letting you build anything on it, and for deciding I knew what was best. I won’t do that again. Ever.”
“You better not.”
“I won’t.”
“My brothers would find you.”
“No need.”
“Duchess will find you.”
“God help me.”
Sawyer took another step and then held out his hand. “I’m Sawyer Montgomery. Coffee enthusiast. Radio DJ. Occasionally dramatic. Still interested?”
I looked down at his hand then took it.
“Beckett Calder. Sports therapist. Terrible equestrian. Not an escort. Very interested.”
“Thank God you don’t date people for a living.”
“No.” I brushed my thumb over his knuckles. “But I’d like to date you.”
His fingers tightened around mine, and I needed so badly to kiss him right then, but I waited, not wanting to push him.
Sawyer noticed and tugged on my hand. “You can kiss me now, by the way. In case you’re waiting for permission.”
“I don’t want to push.”
“I know.” His gaze dropped to my mouth. “This is me pulling.”
I let go of his hand to wrap my arms around him, drawing him to me as I took his lips like they were the air I needed to breathe. He held my face, fingers curling into my hair, kissing me back just as fiercely.
Finally there was no lie between us, nothing left unsaid or hanging over my head. Just his lips on mine, our tongues slowly exploring like it was the first time.
Only this time I knew exactly what I had to lose, and there was no way I was letting this man go. I wanted to earn his trust.
And his love.
I didn’t know how long we stayed wrapped up in each other, me swallowing his soft moans, memorizing the feel of him against me, him fitting so perfectly that it was no wonder I’d felt empty without him.
When he pulled back, he looked up at me, those dark eyes softer, that hopeful spark back in them. It made my heart clench tightly in my chest.
“So, you free tonight?” he said. “I could use a date.”
“For you?” I said, reaching up to cup his jaw. “Always.”
His smile was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, and when he stepped back, he took my hand. We hadn’t fixed everything, not yet, but we’d find our way.
We started back toward the music and the lights, and when Duchess snorted behind us, Sawyer glanced over his shoulder.
“Hey, don’t be jealous. You had your shot.”
For the first time all day, with the guilt I’d been feeling since we met finally easing, I laughed.
Sawyer grinned, linking our fingers, and as we walked toward the reception and whatever came next, I knew one thing for certain.
This time, Sawyer knew exactly whom he was choosing. And God help me, I was going to be worthy of him.