Chapter 13
My body is languid and warm. I don’t want to wake from the dream I’m having. Hovering in the haze between dreaming and waking, I’m weightless and safe. I move to snuggle deeper into the bed when I feel him.
As it does every night, my body’s molded to his in my sleep. I need his touch more than food or water. My head’s nestled in the crook of his shoulder and the cotton of his shirt bunches between my fingers.
My senses are overcome by everything Connor. My nerve endings fire off—there’s not a stitch of his warm skin touching my body. Why is he fully dressed?
His masculine scent fills my nose, his deep, rhythmic breathing soothes my ears, his heartbeat the metronome setting the rhythm my heart follows.
My leg’s slung over his hips, and I don’t dare move. I don’t want to wake him, and I don’t want confirmation the firm ridge below my calf is his erection. But Connor knows my body better than I do.
“Morning, doll,” his sleepy voice rasps.
Every muscle in my body seizes up; he knows I’m awake. He tightens his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer into his chest. Rough fingers comb hair from my face, and he places a kiss to my forehead.
I barely contain the whimper of pleasure that tries to escape my lips at his attention. I’ve missed him so much.
I’d give up anything—even move on someday to find a second-rate love—if it meant I could keep this.
I need Connor more than I need oxygen and I refuse to jeopardize our connection. I’ve swallowed my feelings our entire friendship.
I can keep this in. I have to.
I dare to tilt my head and meet his heavy eyes, but I have no words. What can I possibly say to fix what I’ve broken?
I’m sorry I’m a burden and you’ve wasted your life rescuing me.
Thank you for inviting me into your home, but it’s best if I leave.
I’m sorry for whatever I did that scared you away. Please don’t ever leave me again.
I can’t say any of that, so I say nothing at all. His brow furrows when I don’t respond.
“What’s the matter, doll?”
More confessions threaten to spill from my lips.
I love you but I can never tell you.
I’ll do anything to keep you, even if it means ruining myself.
I can’t survive without you.
It hurt every second you avoided me.
Connor lifts me from his chest and sits back against the headboard, adjusting me to sit beside him.
“I’m sorry,” we both say simultaneously.
“No, I’m sorr—”
“Why are you sorr—”
Our questions collide in the charged air between us.
“Let me go first, doll. I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you.” His admission stings more than I thought it would. I suspected that’s what he’d been doing.
“I was a coward and there’s no other way to spin it. Living with you freaked me out—not because of anything you did, but because—I don’t know how to explain it. The reasons don’t matter. What matters is I let you down and I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Connor, it’s okay…” But he interrupts.
“No, it’s not okay. I promised to always take care of you, and I let my own bullshit get in the way when you needed me. I took you from your home, trapped you in mine, and fucking abandoned you.”
Self-loathing drips from his pores, a spear through my tender heart.
“Please…please forgive me.” His tone and posture scream defeat. And while it hurt he wasn’t around, it’s my fault he stayed away.
His strong hands wring together, and I place my smaller hand atop his to stop him from hurting himself.
“There’s nothing to forgive, Connor. You have every right to a life outside of me and my problems. I’m the one who should be apologizing to you.” He tries to interject but I continue.
“You’ve been so generous taking me in and rearranging your work schedule. You don’t owe me a thing. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me.”
Emotion strains the voice escaping my tightening throat. “I’m sorry I made you so uncomfortable you didn’t want to be in your own home. If you tell me what I did wrong, I promise I’ll fix it.”
The anguish in Connor’s voice guts me. “Dollface, you didn’t do anything wrong. I swear to god. I don’t know how to justify my actions. But please believe me when I say it’s because of me, not you.”
Why does it feel like I’m being dumped by a man begging me to stay? Our relationship is turning into a complete mindfuck. I want to move past this and go back to the way things were.
I un-ball his fists and take him by the hands and do my best attempt at a genuine smile.
“You’re sorry. I’m sorry. You love me. I love you. Can we leave it at that and move forward?”
Connor inhales deeply through his nose, brows furrowed, eyes searching, trying to read between the lines. He’s not going to find what he’s searching for because I’ll never tell him the truth about my feelings.
“Okay, doll. We can move forward. Now, can we make a grocery list? It looks like we need a few things.”
Of course he noticed. He notices everything. I want to make excuses and promises, but I’m tired of suffering. I can’t control my trembling bottom lip any more than I can control the traitorous tears streaming down my cheeks.
Connor gathers me into his lap and cradles me like a child, gently rocking us side to side.
“Shh, shh, shh. It’s alright. I’m here now. I know you’re stressed. We’ll work on it together, okay?”
He pulls a box of tissues from thin air and fruitlessly attempts to dry my tears.
“Here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to take a nice hot shower and dress in your comfiest clothes. I’m going to make a grocery list of the things I know you can tolerate and call your sister. We’re going to meet her and Reid for coffee at Bean & Brew for as much twin-time as you need.”
I emit an unattractive laugh-cry-snort at his plan. He always knows exactly what I need.
“Then, I’m going to drop you off at the bookstore to pick out something new to read while I get groceries.”
How? How is he so perfect for me, but only as a friend? Why can’t he see me as more?
“We’re going to take things one day at a time. Our top priority is rebuilding your trust in your body—to listen to your hunger cues and nourish your body, not punish it. Our second priority is annihilating your finals, so you get the equine therapy internship of your dreams.”
At that, a laugh bubbles through my tears.
“Sound like a plan, doll?”
“Yes. Thank you, Connor. For everything.”
Thank you for finding me.
Thank you for saving me.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for loving me.