Chapter 40 Gianna
FORTY
GIANNA
Gianna wiped the sweat from her brow, taking in deep breaths of air. Practice was over for the day, and she had never been more thankful for it. They were only two weeks out from the show at this point and every practice was grueling and time-consuming.
Everything in her life was beyond amazing.
She nailed the dance, she had Finn, she had her best friends, she had her brother, and she had her cousins.
This was the life she had always dreamed of.
The life that she had manifested for herself before she would go to bed.
Back when she was more naive about the world and what she was allowed to expect from it.
Now, however, she was allowed to expect it all, and she could get it all.
But there was always a price.
The price came in the form of her mother’s visit being tomorrow.
As in tomorrow morning, her and Allister would be leaving to go back home to deal with the whole mess.
The thought nauseated her beyond belief, and it was also why she pushed herself for the past week in rehearsal like a madman.
She wasn’t prepared to see her mother, nor was she ever.
Something about this visit felt more terrible.
Maybe it had to do with the fact that finally Gianna had fought the demons that had been running rampant in her life for so long and now she deserved her break.
Or maybe it was because she knew what it was like to be loved and knew her mother would never return it.
Either way, she was dreading tomorrow.
That was why Finn was picking her up from practice and taking her out for the night. The last thing she needed was to stay bundled up in the house and watch the minutes tick by on the clock until the sun came up.
Gianna made her way into the locker room, changing out of the leotard and leggings into a matching pink sweatsuit set. Her fashion decisions had taken a backseat for the past week, but she still managed to keep the pink no matter what.
She undid the bun, shaking out her hair and feeling the tension in her scalp from where it sat.
Finn would have watched her rehearsal like he had been doing at home, but since he signed everything with Valerio, his days kept him busy with actually going into the office to learn the business side of things.
When he first brought it all up to her, she was shocked that they would be partnering up.
Now, she loved it. He had the support and community he needed and that was what mattered the most to her.
She left her hair down, quickly packing everything up into her bag and checking her phone. As soon as she lifted it, Finn’s contact popped up.
Finn <3
I’m outside whenever you’re ready. I have a little surprise for you, princess.
An immediate smile drifted onto her face. She made her way out of the building and sure enough he stood there, looking handsome as ever in his leather jacket and black jeans, leaning against his bike. Finn met her halfway, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her in for a much-needed kiss.
“I missed you,” he muttered.
“I missed you too,” she said, giving him one more peck. “You didn’t tell me you were bringing FiFi.”
“I thought we could both use a ride.” He grabbed her bag, guiding her towards the bike.
“So, where’s my surprise?”
“My, my. What happened to manners?” He lifted his eyebrow, placing the bag under the seat.
“They went to hell. Now, give me the surprise,” she said, holding her hands out in front of her. “You can’t promise a surprise and then not give me anything. That would be a cruel and unusual punishment.”
Finn shook his head, a small smile on his face. “Forgive me for ever using that word.”
She didn’t know what she was expecting him to pull out, but when he grabbed the helmet out of the silky bag, she was stunned.
He handed it to her, letting her see all the details on it fully.
Whereas Finn’s signature one that she usually wore was black, this one was white with light pink hearts on either side by the ears.
On the back of it, in pink cursive lettering, it spelt out ‘princess’ giving her the official title on the bike.
Of course it had the safety features that were important too, like the visor for her eyes and padding, but she paid attention to the details that made her heart jump out of her chest.
“So, do you like it?” he asked hesitantly. “If you don’t, we can get it customized more.”
“I love it,” she said immediately. “This is perfect.”
The grin on his face had to have matched hers. “Good. I’m glad you love it. I figured you needed one for yourself since the other one didn’t fit right and we’ll be riding on FiFi a lot. And who knows, maybe you’ll get your own bike one day.”
She couldn’t stop herself from jumping into his arms again, forcing him to catch her at the last second, but he did. Gianna covered him in kisses. “Thank you for this.”
“Anything for you, princess.”
When she finally managed to try it on, it was the perfect fit.
Much more comfortable than the other one she wore.
He handed her one of his leather jackets too, promising to get her a customized one as well if she wanted.
For some reason, she preferred to wear his instead.
Of course, it had to do with being surrounded in his scent every time she put it on, but he didn’t need to know that.
Finn got on the bike, and she got on behind him.
She wrapped her arms around his waist, holding onto him with everything she had when he finally took off.
No amount of time on the bike could make her get used to the feeling of pure adrenaline rushing through her body. Just the feeling of rushing through the streets, putting all her trust in Finn, it made her feel free. She was able to let go of control, let go of everything if even for a moment.
When they got to the lake, her legs were wobbly. It always took her a moment to steady herself when she got off, but luckily Finn was there to provide a helping hand. She took off the helmet and handed it over to him, letting him place them on the bike before they walked down to the little dock.
The sun was close to setting, but in the golden light she could see just how much everything was starting to come to life.
More bugs lingered beside the water, flowers began to blossom around the tree trunks, and she swore that she saw a fish or two though there were probably so many more swimming around.
Finn took a seat beside her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and pulling her closer to him. “Tell me about your day.”
“Well, let’s see. I woke up, had breakfast, went to class, and then danced for most of the day with some lunch in between and now I’m here with you.” She turned to him, leaning her head against his shoulder. “It was a busy day.”
“And why was it so busy, princess?”
“The dancing. It’s a lot right now to keep up with and my body hurts and everything hurts and I’m tired.”
He was silent for a moment. “It’s just the dancing?”
“Yep. Just the dancing.”
She knew what he was doing, but she wasn’t ready to go there yet.
Not when they were in their perfect little place and she had just stepped into his arms. She didn’t want the good to always be tarnished by the thoughts of her mother.
So much of her life already was and she didn’t deserve any more of it.
“Okay.”
“Tell me about your day. How was it with Valerio?” she asked, quickly changing the topic.
Finn shook his head. “Well, Valerio is a fucking psycho, but I’m sure you already knew that. He’s so specific about the way he wants everything done. I truly don’t understand how Luna manages to be around him.”
“She loves him, that’s how.”
“Good for her then because I don’t see it. Today though we worked on getting some investors, so I was able to sit in on those meetings. They’re so fucking boring.”
Gianna couldn’t help the laugh that left her lips. “Really? Who would have guessed?”
“No kidding. All they do is talk numbers and profits and blah blah blah. I managed to sell them on it, though. Can you believe I’m good at getting people to do what I want?” Finn asked, his voice holding pride.
She looked up at him, her eyes shining. Just seeing how much he was changing and taking on the new challenges, but finding so much excitement in them made her so happy for him.
There were so many things he thought he couldn’t do just because he had a parent that didn’t believe in him, but now he was doing them all.
“You are good at getting people to do what you want,” Gianna said, clearing her throat. “You’re great at everything.”
He leaned down until their faces were inches apart. “And you’re great at trying to deflect. Talk to me, Gianna.”
His inquisitive side was just as annoying. She frowned, trying to pull away but he just held onto her tighter. “There’s not much to talk about.”
“I know you’re going to see your mother tomorrow.”
“Great, you’re all caught up then.”
She could tell he was fighting the urge to roll his eyes, but still he kept his tone gentle. “You can talk to me about it. I know it’s not easy for you. I know you don’t want to do it.”
Gianna bit the inside of her cheek. Wasn’t that the truth?
“Any time I have to go see her, it makes me feel powerless. I know how it ends, so the visit is always pointless.”
It ended with her leaving every single time.
No surprise. No change. Nothing. It was expected, but it still hurt every single time.
It left Gianna feeling raw, angry, even numb for days on end afterwards.
Then she recovered, moved on from her life and forgot about it until the reminder came from Allister a year later that it was time to do it all over again.
“Then don’t go,” Finn said. “If she makes you feel powerless, take back the power. Don’t let her control you.”
She shook her head. “I can’t do that. It disappoints my father, and I can’t leave Allister to do it alone. He doesn’t deserve it either.”
“So then what? You just keep going with the pain until she decides that she’s over the visits?
” He was asking a genuine question, but the question still stung because of how truthful it was.
Is that what her future looked like? Being led by a leash on these visits year after year, even when she was married, had kids, was fifty years old, sixty?
Maybe it was.
Because it was her mother.
The thought hit her so hard, she swore she felt the pain come from her chest. It was brutal how much she continued holding onto something that was never there, something she had idealized her entire life and become envious of, only to never receive.
“I don’t know,” she whispered.
“Do you want to go tomorrow?” Finn asked, his voice so quiet.
Gianna took in a deep breath, leaning her head into the crook of his neck.
“Yes and no. Part of me wishes she was dead, just so I could mourn her and move on from it. Or maybe not dead. Maybe just that she could leave and never return again. Then I wouldn’t have to anticipate it.
I could live my life without the reminder.
The other part of me holds onto the visits.
It’s the only way I know where she is, that she is alive, that she actually exists.
For a moment, when we’re sitting there talking, I imagine that she’ll say she’s staying and then she’ll apologize for everything.
That she’ll say she was young and confused, but that she loves us more than anything.
And I’ll forgive her right away because it makes sense to.
But it never happens and the visit ends.
She gets into the car and drives away and then I hate her all over again.
I hate myself for ever wishing she would come back. ”
“You should never hate yourself for that. Your ability to dream and to try to see the best in other people is what makes you so incomparable to other people. The fact that you would forgive her in a heartbeat says everything about you. The fact that she leaves and comes back yearly says everything about her. When you feel it, whenever you’re ready and you decide that you don’t want to do the visits anymore, just tell me.
I’ll be there every step of the way. You’re never alone, princess.
Not in this lifetime. Not as long as you’re mine.
” His voice carried out into the lake around them almost as if he was giving a speech to the masses, but the words were reserved for her alone.
She didn’t need to look at his face to know that he was staring down at her.
She felt the goosebumps on her skin. He didn’t push and he didn’t force her.
Instead, he put it into her hands. He gave her the control.
She didn’t know if the day would ever come. Hell, she didn’t know if tomorrow would even come. Life was unpredictable in that way.
What she did know was that with Finn, right there, that was her safety. As long as she had him by her side, she could get through it.