186. ‘I’m Sorry’
‘I’m Sorry’
I was so deep within the moors of my grief
I had not heard Thanatos approach.
Even though the forest was a vacuum
of such deep silence that even a twig
cracking far enough away was amplified
till it echoed within your head.
I turned at his words, and saw
he had removed his hood.
His hair was dark like his mother’s,
but shorn close to his scalp.
He rubbed his head slightly,
almost an uneasy action,
and then said again,
‘I am sorry you did not find
the answers you need.’
I stifled another sob out of pride
at his words and looked up at him.
‘I will survive.’ The words were colder
than I intended them to be,
but he nodded without flinching
at my tone. For some time
we sat there in silence,
the shrieks and sounds
of the forest beyond softening
into my haze of grief.
‘I do not know what to do,’
I said quietly, more to myself
than to him. ‘How am I to learn
my own gifts if no one will help me?’
Thanatos looked thoughtfully at me,
then crouched down next
to where I had collapsed and
lifted my chin with a gentle hand.
‘I have watched you from afar
for a long time, Hekate.’
His words made my stomach flutter,
the touch of his fingers tender.
‘Pallas forbade any of us other
than Charon from speaking to you.
So I watched you from a distance,
apart from that one time you were
with Cerberus.’
I frowned at this. ‘But why?’
He hesitated with his answer,
then stopped and rose.
It hung in the air, my question.
There are secrets Pallas
does not want me to know ,
I realized with a jolt.
But Thanatos was not done.
He stood and gave me his hand.
I took it in mine and rose to my feet.
He looked lost in thought,
then his face cleared
and after some contemplation he said,
‘Accompany me
on my duties.’
I don’t know what made me agree.
This was an odd request.
And yet, I asked no questions.
And yet, I simply said, ‘Yes.’