Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Helena’s phone continuously buzzed on the coffee table as she lounged on her couch after class. It saddened her to go home to her empty apartment where there was no smile to greet her, but Grayson had a virtual group session and couldn’t be disturbed until at least six. She’d be spending the night missing his warmth and his company.
She shakily picked up her phone worried Daniel had found another way to get into contact with her again. Her mother’s number flashed back at her, only causing more anxiety. They hadn’t spoken much since the disastrous dinner fight.
Reluctant, but also missing their conversations, she picked up.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hi, sweetie, are you all right? You’ve barely called lately.”
She put down her textbook, curling up next to a pillow.
“I’m okay I guess. Grayson and I have been spending time together… a lot of time actually.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m happy for you, he really is a sweet guy. I just wish we had gotten more time with him.”
Helena swallowed the lump in her throat.
“Well, I do too, Mom, but dinner didn’t exactly go well—”
Her mother cut her off, clearly not wishing to rehash the bad memory. “Honey, it’s over. Done with. You were right, Jade was completely out of line. You were standing up for yourself, and me. Ray and I had a long talk about it.”
Stunned, Helena almost couldn’t speak. Usually, she was the one expected to apologize.
“Y-you did?”
“I told Ray that she can no longer set foot in this house until she shows some respect not just to me, but all of my children, including Grayson, especially since you two have been getting so close. Are we preparing for a wedding sometime in the near future?”
Helena could picture the smile on her mom’s face as she inquired about their future plans. Of course nothing was set in stone yet, but Helena was not ready to inform her mother of her intention to move in with him when her lease was up the following year, and their intention to marry. As much as it used to pain her to keep secrets from her mother, this was one she was comfortable keeping to herself for now.
After a few more minutes of talk, things got quiet.
“Mom?”
“Honey… about the dinner. Something that Jade said has been really bothering me.”
Helena’s chest got heavy and her legs began to go numb.
No, no, no.
“Uh… about what?”
“She mentioned that she used to see you with someone. I saw the look on yours and your brother’s faces. Was there something that you two haven’t told me?”
Helena didn’t realize how hard she was squeezing the pillow until she felt pain in her nails.
Did she brush it off? Make up another lie?
“It’s not important, Mom. She was just saying something to get a rise out of me.”
“Baby, it did get a rise out of you.”
Fuck fuck.
“Helena, you know I don’t mean to pry in your personal business. But I saw the look on your face. It scared me. Is there… something you need to tell me?”
Despair stabbed Helena in the chest as she felt the concern in her sweet mother’s voice. She tried desperately to keep her dark secret from everyone around her. How the hell could she tell anyone, least of all her family, that she had believed the lies of an abuser, making her think she was the only Submissive for him and that she didn’t need things like a safeword, boundaries, or hard limits?
How badly he hurt her. What he hid from her…
As her mother tried to get Helena to open up, the memories came back in floods.
Daniel wrapped a sweaty hand over her shoulder as he led her out the door, casually walking them back to his big black service van. If “murder mobile” was in the dictionary, it would look like this. She could hardly believe she willingly got into this van the first time she met him, ignoring every instinct in the back of her mind to run and run fast.
Helena pressed a hand to her throat, swallowing to make sure she still had the ability. She suddenly wanted nothing to do with his hand on her shoulder. With a death grip on her purse, she tried to settle her trembling hands.
Like a business transaction had been completed, she climbed into the van, which dipped when he folded his much larger frame in the driver’s side. With a satisfied sigh, he let one arm hang out the window as he drove one-handed through traffic.
Helena said nothing. He preferred it that way, “not liking the small talk”. Fine, she wasn’t sure she wanted to say anything.
Daniel barely touched her otherwise except to give her a tug on the hair when he pulled up by her car. She had hissed, her scalp already sore. He gave her a sloppy kiss, one she had to fight the urge to wipe from her mouth.
“I’ll call you later.”
No he wouldn’t. He never did.
“You were great for me. You know the way I like it.”
“Mhm.”
It was hard to look him in the eyes now without wanting to cry. Maybe she didn’t want to admit to herself that he wouldn’t ever see her as anything more than a toy he could pick up and put down when he wanted. It was still hard to admit she still wanted to be his. If she could just please him enough…
Helena shifted uncomfortably on the car’s seat when she shakily reached for the door handle. She would have to sit in the bath when she got home.
“Hey, how ‘bout next week, babe? Wear that skirt that I like.” He winked.
He could still be so charming as she was trying to limp out of this disgusting van. It was too high off the ground, and she almost stumbled getting out every time. As if he’d ever offer to help.
“Okay,” she had uttered quickly, but he grabbed her wrist. Her body went into protection mode as fear iced her blood over.
“Okay what?” His hazel eyes darkened, his jaw clenching under his goatee.
Helena fucking hated that goatee, how he pressed it against her throat when he was on top of her.
Sweaty.
Dirty.
Exactly how she felt right now.
“Okay… Daddy.”
“That’s a girl.” He practically pushed her out of the van before leaving her in the dust… literally. She choked as dirt and gravel accumulated around her feet, and she resumed the walk of shame to her car. Helena swore everyone in the parking lot knew what she was, how used up she was. He had already peeled off down the road, the piece of shit van leaving a trail of smoke in its wake. As if knowing it was safe, her lungs let out air.
She cringed as she looked down at herself. Did she really leave his house like this? The buttons of her dress weren’t even done right, her hair was falling out of place and she painfully coughed, grimacing at the pain.
Just get home.
Tears began to blind her vision as she tried to find the ignition. When she couldn’t, she slammed her fist against the steering wheel, no longer caring who saw.
Finally, she was on the road home, trying her best to avoid potholes. When she was in the safety of her walls, curled up in her bath, she brought her knees to her chest and sobbed. This couldn’t go on any longer.
Why couldn’t she just end things? Why was she so intent on having his attention and praise, even if it was a meager amount? The happiness lasted all of five minutes with him. Once the high of their time together had ended, she felt herself drop. All the adrenaline was gone, her confidence was gone. By now, her self-respect as well.
Her phone pinged on the little table next to the tub. Her hand snatched it before her brain caught up with her. He liked fast responses.
No, not him, just a news story update. Something about a local carjacking. Deciding she was bored enough, she played the video of the newsreel, watching the pretty newswoman walk through a strip mall. It looked… familiar. The restaurant, the cosmetics store, the sports apparel place? It was the strip mall where Daniel always had her park to meet him, never wanting her parked at his house. She wasn’t allowed to ask questions as to why.
“I met up with a local man and his wife who say this crime is a shock to them.” The reel cut to another clip, and Daniel’s face was staring back at her.
The world stopped as Helena watched the interview. A woman was standing next to him as they talked about the carjacking. She was small in stature with kind eyes and a sweet face. Helena saw the baby in the woman’s arms, dressed in a pink dress and bow, but her brain refused to process it. The woman looked up at Daniel in worry. He wrapped an arm around her, and Helena’s skin crawled. Exactly the way he did it as he would lead her into his house.
His bed.
Oh my fucking god.
Her bed.
“I don’t want my wife having to worry about getting robbed while she has our baby with her. This is a nice neighborhood.”
His wife
His baby.
Helena found herself screaming into the emptiness of her bathroom. Fuck the neighbors. Bolting out of the tub and finding a robe, she paced her room until she was sure the carpet would wear out beneath her feet.
The other woman. She was the other goddamned woman.
Disgust overwhelmed her body. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to vomit or cry. Both would do.
She would get in the shower and scrub herself until her skin bled if it wouldn’t jack her water bill up.
In seconds, everything in sight was an obstacle. She threw her blankets on the floor, punishing her pillows with her fist and throwing everything in sight. She grunted as she ripped at any clothing she had worn to see him. Where the hell were the scissors?
Helena rummaged her drawer until she found a rusty old pair, then she destroyed every dress, every skirt he ever requested she wear. Shorts, underwear. Everything. Any stitch of clothing he had removed either gently or roughly, depending on his mood. She finished them off by ripping the remnants with her hands when the scissors decided they’d had enough. By the time her body yielded with no more tears to cry, everything was chaos. Her room was destroyed, and half of her clothes were in shreds on her floor. Helena began to turn the anger on herself as she rocked her body back and forth.
Why are you so stupid?
How the hell couldn’t you see?
He didn’t want his neighbors knowing he had a whore on the side, so they couldn’t tell his wife. That’s why you couldn’t park in front of his house, you idiot.
He didn’t want you walking around his house because that’s where all her things were. You would have seen a woman’s belongings and baby toys.
But their shared bed. Helena wanted to rip her hair out. She’d slept with another woman’s husband in her own bed.
Energy depleted, she fell to her knees, raking her nails over her scalp and down her face. Her gaze fell to her long mirror propped in the corner Helena couldn’t look at herself without abhorrence.
Daniel loved to pull her to his face, sneering that she was his filthy whore. Hating it, she used to turn her head to show her displeasure. Then he’d make her repeat it. Over and over again.
He was right.
She collapsed into the ruins of her once peaceful bedroom
His name for her still circulated in her head.
Filthy whore.
You’re a filthy whore.
Helena’s lip quivered as the painful memory played in her mind.
“Sweetie? Are you there?”
Her mother’s voice jolted her back to the present. Helena’s tears began sliding down her cheek, but she sniffled them back and wiped her face.
“Y-yeah. Mom, I think this is something we should talk about later.”
“Helena, please don’t shut me out.”
She needed to get off the phone. Now.
“Mom, something in the oven is burning, I’ll call you back, okay?”
She heard a sigh on the other end.
“Okay, but, Helena?”
“Yeah?” She leaned forward as her gut clenched, threatening to make her sick.
“I want you to talk to me. Whatever it is… you can tell me.” Her mother pleaded with her.
The tears flooded her eyes again. Her mother didn’t deserve secrets and lies. She deserved to have a daughter who could talk to her and be close with. Instead, Helena pushed her away to protect her from the ugly truth. Only Grayson knew, reassuring her he loved her no less. He swore to keep it between them until she was ready to come forward, supporting her. How the hell did she deserve him?
“I won’t, Mom. How about Grayson and I come over, just us this time. We can all have lunch and then you and I can talk then.”
“That’s perfect, baby. I love you so much.”
“Love you too.”
Helena hung up, letting her body fall on the couch and hugged a pillow to her chest.
Shutting her eyes tight, she forced the memory from her mind, throwing it in the mental trash can where it belonged. Daniel couldn’t get in the way of her relationship with Grayson.
She wouldn’t let him.