Fletch #2
“God.” Thump . “I’m the worst.”
“Raising amazing, kind, empathetic, beautiful little girls like the one I’ve got takes a village.
You’re part of my village, Sera. So is Archer.
And Minka. And Penny. And Lord help me, Cato, too.
But you’ve been tossed in the deep end this weekend.
” I look down at my feet, still wet from the lake.
“You’re not the worst. In fact, I think you’re pretty fucking amazing. ”
She sniffles. Thump . Then she clears her throat. Thump thump .
“My daughter is lucky to have you in her life.”
“My mom never braided my hair. And she never held my hand.” She pauses for a beat, but I see her in my mind.
Her long, trim legs pulled up, kind of like mine are up.
I see her delicate shoulders popping, her collarbones too exposed, because of how she’s curled on the floor.
I see painted nails and terror in her eyes.
“She hardly even spoke to me unless it was to tell me how fat I was. Or stupid. Or plain disappointing.”
“She was wrong. On every front. But especially the last.”
“She took great pleasure in crushing my soul in the palms of her hands. But I take pleasure in the way Mia draws patterns on my palms with the tips of her fingers.”
This.
This is why.
“I love your daughter, Charlie. But I don’t know how to be the things she wants me to be.”
“And yet, you’re already doing so well.”
“Charlie—”
“She’s not asking for a parent, Sera. She’s not asking for anything except you . Whoever you are, however you come. She’s asking for you to be shamelessly genuine in everything you do, because that’s what she wants.”
“She asked me where babies come from,” she groans. “My butthole has never puckered so freakin’ fast!”
I bark out a cathartic laugh, and leaning back, I lie on the grass and look up at the tree that gently sways in the breeze.
“Kids’ll do that to you. She’s constantly got me in fight or flight mode.
I think I’m doing okay, I get comfortable and reasonably confident in my parenting abilities, and then BAM!
She slams me with something unexpected and sends me right back to the starting line. The whiplash is cruel.”
“You worry that you’re screwing it all up?”
“Every single fucking day. And I’m not even a regular single parent, Sera.
I’m a homicide cop. That means I leave her in the middle of the night sometimes.
Or I miss dinner and bedtime routine. Sometimes— too often —I come home with someone else’s blood on my shoes.
And she notices.” I close my eyes and exhale.
“Jesus, she notices. There are single parents out there who get to be home with their kids. They get to show them consistency and normalcy, and they never have to explain death. I go to bed alone and lie there, night after night, worrying about what kind of damage I inflicted on her that day.”
“The pressure is stifling,” she whispers. “It’s terrifying.”
“Mmhm.” Is it too much? Does she want to quit already?
As new dread settles heavily inside my chest, I open my eyes and swallow.
“This was a lot to ask of you, I know. A whole overnight. A whole weekend, maybe. And losing Jada is still fresh, which means Mia is especially clingy. If you…” I bring my free hand up and massage my aching heart.
“If you need to walk away, it’s okay. I won’t blame you, I promise.
Just give me a ten-minute warning so I can figure out a backup plan. Get Penny over there or something…”
“I’m not going anywhere.” She exhales a gentle sigh. “I won’t bail on her, Charlie. I swear. I just needed to tell you about my screw up.”
“You didn’t screw up.” Licking my lips, I reach up and run my hand through my hair.
I try to imagine Sera and Mia right here with me.
The fun splashes of the water, games played, and battle cries that denote a war within the lake.
The fun kind. The silly, playful kind. “Screwing up would have been telling her how men have penises and women have vaginas, and when you mix the two, sometimes semen and eggs?—”
“I got it.” She bangs her head again. “You don’t have to explain it to me.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. Y ou did great.”
“I sent her to watch TV and locked myself in your room.”
“Which is way better than running screaming out of my apartment and leaving her there alone,” I snicker. “Glass is half full. Besides, nothing bad ever happens when Bluey is involved. And since you didn’t answer her questions, she’ll probably save it for when I get home. Great .”
“Good,” she giggles. It’s a watery sound. A tearful, weepy sound. But fuck, it does things to my heart. “Seeing as how it was your penis involved, and your semen, you deserve to be the one dealing with that conversation.”
“You’re mean.” I drag my bottom lip between my teeth and ignore the happy yelps and loud splashes from the lake. “The least you could’ve done was come up with some fairytale about grown folks being in love and storks dropping babies on doorsteps.”
“Next time. Now that I have this experience, I’ll be more prepared for the next single dad I meet who has an adorable little girl and a tragic backstory.”
“You looking?” Shut up, Charlie. Shut the fuck up . “Not to sound possessive or anything, but I thought you were saving all your ‘ I hate kids, but not this particular one’ goodness for just us.”
“I don’t hate kids. I just think they’re…”
“Messy.”
“Yeah.”
“And loud.”
She hums. “Exactly.”
“And totally fucking worth it when you find the one you care about.”
She sighs. “Seems that way. I’m not looking for a single dad to hang out with, Charlie. In fact, I suspect I’d turn around and run really, really fast if I came across one.”
“It’s that bad, huh?” I lose my smile and press my hand to my belly instead. Butterflies are gone, and in their place, stinging hornets. “Knowing us is horrible?”
“Knowing you is…” She considers for a beat. “Hard work.”
“Ouch.”
“It’s a lot,” she explains. “The pressure is heavy, and the risk is massive. We already went through some of it, remember? Me and you. We lost our shit at each other, which flowed over to Mia. Broke her heart. Broke mine.”
Shattered mine.
“Talking to men is low risk. If we get along, we get along. If we don’t, then we stop talking and simply move on. But Mia changes all that. She deserves so much more than someone who comes and goes on a whim with no care at all for the little girl who deserves consistency.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
“You sound like you’ve got one foot out the door already.” I knew this was a mistake. I knew this was too much. “Give me a minute to call Penny?—”
“My feet are securely inside your apartment. Both of them.”
“Sera—”
“In fact, my feet are securely inside your bedroom. Which is not something I thought I’d ever say. But here we are, and I’m sitting beside your drawers, looking at the foot of your bed. Everything in this apartment smells of you, and it’s sending me nuts.”
“Smells bad?” I turn my face and sniff my armpit. “Do I stink?”
She coughs out a soft laugh. “No. You smell good. Which is ridiculously frustrating, just so you know. Science is entirely too smug about the fact that human beings are attracted to certain scents, and even if we don’t want to be, our brain chemistry is gonna do what it’s gonna do. It’s annoying.”
“So… what I’m hearing is that every time we’re in the same room, you kinda wanna lean in and take a whiff. For science.”
She snorts. “If you say so.”
“What did you wear to bed last night? Did you sneak one of my shirts?”
“Charlie!”
“What? It’s for science! Besides, I heard you slept in my bed.”
“You’re incorrigible,” she groans. “I’m over here having a crisis, and you’re still the same Charlie Fletcher I’ve always known.”
“I can’t control the brain chemistry. I’m attracted to certain smells, just like you are.
And the fact is…” I lift my head and peek toward the lake to make sure I’m still alone.
“Fuck, Sera. I sniff you every single time we’re in the same room.
Sometimes I’m obvious about it. Other times, I’m not.
If I had a chance to sleep in your bed, I would’ve smothered myself with whatever pillow smelled the most like you. ”
“I’m not looking for a romantic relationship with you, Charlie.
” She says the words she knows disarm me, slamming me with my reality and rejecting me long before I can ask for more.
But dammit, I know she’s lying. I know she is.
“We already crossed too many lines,” she murmurs.
“You’ve made your intentions clear. And God knows, I’m a woman who respects the brain chemistry thing. ”
“So you like me, too.”
“On a basic, physical, sexual attraction level? Sure. You’re an attractive man with charming wit and an ability to chip away at a woman’s resolve. Sex is easy, Charlie. And we both know it can be fun.”
“How fun?” I narrow my eyes and lay my head flat again. “How much fun have you had in your lifetime? Describe it to me in perfect detail. Give me their names, ‘cos I’d like to visit with them.”
“Not nearly as much as you have, I’m certain.”
Burn.
“We’re grown enough, and smart enough, to know that when sex comes into the equation, these relationships are either all in or all out. Being in is easy. It would even be fun. For a while. It’s the being out that makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t want to leave her again.”
“So don’t! You don’t have to cut her off just because you hate me.”
“I nearly killed myself last time I tried this, Charlie. I hurt her when I was trying so hard to protect her.”
“Sera—”
“I value what I have with Mia more than the prospect of good sex. So even if I sometimes want to, and even if I think it would feel really good, and godddd,” she moans, “even if I know it would scratch an itch, I’m not willing to trade her for something so dumb.
Platonic friendship is how we’ll serve her best. For her,” she sighs, “this is how it has to be.”
“That sounds really fucking un-fun,” I grunt. “And I’m itchy all over.”
“Un-fun is how we create stability for Mia.” Thump . “You’ll have to ask someone else to take care of your itches. And I’ll?—”
“Get it somewhere else?” I bite out. “You’d spend time with my daughter while smelling of another man?”
“Well, not this weekend. This weekend is all about her.”
“How will you explain this to him?” I counter.
“How will you explain us? Dear Dude Applicant. We can be in a relationship, but I’m also sorta co-parenting with this other dude.
He’s sexy and horny, and he won’t stop telling me he wants me.
But you have nothing to worry about. It’s totally platonic . ”
“Well, no. Not with those words.” I don’t have to see her to know she rolls her eyes. “The right person will understand. He’ll never question my integrity?—”
“I’ll never make it safe ,” I cut in savagely. “There will never come a point where I face him, eye to eye, and assure him this is only about Mia.”
“Charlie—”
“I’ll wait till you’ve walked away, and I’ll tell him exactly what I want from you. I’ll tell him what I think of you. How, on the days I’m not lying in bed, stressing about parenthood, I’m lying in bed, thinking about you .”
She whimpers. “Stop it.”
“I’ll tell him how I dream of you. How I get two fucking minutes a day where I’m not working and not parenting and not paying bills or cooking a meal. Just two minutes in the shower, and I swear to Christ, Seraphina, I’m touching my cock and wishing it was you.”
Her breath comes out on a shuddering exhale. Her lungs, spasming because she wants me, too .
“This isn’t one-sided,” I grit out. “I know you look for me when you think I won’t notice. I know you’re curious. And fuck, I know you’ve dreamed of me and woke alone, hurting.”
“This is not an appropriate conversation.”
“I know.” And my cock is raging hard. “But my daughter is in another room, so I’m declaring this my two minutes. We could scratch this itch and still be friends. We could do the fun stuff, and still make it so none of that affects Mia.”
“And when you break me again?” Thump . “When you destroy what I’ve worked so hard to rebuild?”
“Hey, Casanova?”
Stunned, I wrench my head up and stop on Spencer just five feet away, his hand raised to shield his eyes from my crotch. “Hang up and cool down. I had to leave my wife back home, which means I have zero patience for the pheromones you’re putting in the air.”
“Hey!” Troy snarls angrily. “Don’t talk about my sister!”
“Oh my gosh,” Sera cries. “You have an audience?”
“Just this one motherfucker.” I sit up and drag my feet closer, bending my knees to cover my hard cock. “We’ll continue this another time.”
“No, I don’t think we will.” Thump . “I think your visitor just saved me from a conversation I don’t want to have. Platonic, Detective Fletcher. It’s the right choice.”
“Says you.”
“I’m getting up and going out to Mia now.” She grunts, pushing up to stand and painting an all-new picture in my mind. “We’re done.”
“We might get home tonight,” I add quickly. “Maybe. Maybe not. But if not, I’ll call you. Late.”
“I’ll be listening,” Spence teases. “I gotta do what I gotta do. I’m lonely.”
“There’s something wrong with that man,” Sera grumbles. “He’s weird.”
“Keep your phone on. Be safe at the markets. Once I figure out what the hell Soph has planned for us, I’ll let you know.”
“Goodbye, Charlie.” She opens my bedroom door and steps into the hall. Fuck, I don’t even have to be there to know what she’s doing. “I’ll text you later with updates. Completely G-rated, friendly, child-focused updates.”
“Mmhm.” I wait and listen while she walks. As the sound of Bluey grows a little louder. And then nothing, because she kills the call and locks me out once more. Finally, I lower my phone and meet Spencer’s dark eyes. “You’re a dick.”
“And yours is no longer hard.” Amused, he turns away. “But you’ve inspired me to call my wife. I miss her.”
“Don’t you dare!” Corey tosses Jen aside and glowers. “You call my sister and talk sex, I’m gonna cut your fucking tongue out while you sleep.”
“Historically speaking,” Spence meanders back onto the dock, his hands on his hips and a massive gym-bro muscular back flexing with every step, “marriage is a transfer of ownership. She’s not yours anymore, Rosa.
She’s mine. Suck my cock and stop crying about what you lost.” He jumps and hugs his legs, bombing the brothers without remorse, and when he surfaces again, he predicts their attack and slams his palm to Corey’s face and dunks him under. “Drown, bitch!”