Chapter 16 #2
Her lips pulled down in a frown, and she pressed her hands over her face as she turned away from me, hiding her sadness in her palms.
“You did it without help.”
“Is that what this is about? My degrees?”
“No. But part of it. I wish I could’ve done it without help, like you did. I feel stupid.”
“I was in my eighties in undergrad, and far from broke. Let’s not compare.”
“I’m stupid.”
“Dakota,” I snapped, grabbing her wrists and yanking her hands off her face.
Her wide eyes flicked up to meet mine, tears glossing over the green of her irises.
“Every time you say that, you insult me. I am fascinated with your mind and obsessed with all your thoughts. I trust your judgment. I chose you for my lab because I believe in you, not only because I want to fuck you. Don’t call yourself stupid unless you want to call me stupid too. ”
“Maybe you are stupid, then,” she said, quiet and angry. “There are other people you should’ve chosen instead of me. More qualified. Better grades.”
“Look at me,” I instructed when she tried to turn away. “Look at me and listen to what I’m saying.”
Dakota slowly moved her focus back onto my face, her brows pushed together.
“Test grades don’t matter to me. I don’t give a fuck how well you can memorize concepts and formulas—I don’t even care how well you can apply those formulas.
There are always going to be people or machines who can do those things.
I like how you think. You don’t trust yourself, but you will.
I’m keeping you in my lab as long as you’ll let me, alright? ”
“I don’t contribute anything meaningful. I mean, Nick is the one who’s giving you ideas and shit—”
“He’s worked for me for a lot longer than you have, and I’m still not satisfied with my work with him.
” I shook my head. “He can do the math; he can read the papers; he can think like an engineer. But you are more than that. I don’t expect you to understand it the way I do since you haven’t gone through as many years of schooling as I have—you haven’t even seen industry at all. You have no clue how rare you are.”
I knew she wasn’t believing a word I said, but I hadn’t really expected her to.
I was old enough and disciplined enough to have developed a large well of patience.
“I’ll say it as many times as you need me to until you believe it,” I continued, keeping Dakota pinned in place with my gaze.
I needed her to see that she occupied all of my attention.
“Most engineers don’t see the world how you do.
They are smart and capable, but there are all these blind spots.
They like math and science. Numbers. And while you’re capable of those things—whether you think so or not—you’re capable of other things too.
You can write. You can think. You can feel.
There is a beautiful lyricism in the way you form your thoughts, a subtle art in the way you solve problems. It’s worth it to me to spend time uncovering that. You are worth spending time on.”
“You’re just saying those things,” she argued. “To make me feel better.”
“Think about what you’re accusing me of.”
Dakota blinked, clearly confused. It wasn’t the response she expected, but I liked making her think. Forcing her to go against her knee-jerk reaction of self-destruction.
“Tell me again what you just said,” I instructed again.
“I said that you are just saying these things to make me feel better.”
“And do you feel better?”
“No.”
“So that’s not why I’m saying them,” I told her, still never looking away from those green eyes for a second.
“I don’t do things without purpose, and I know that me telling you how I think of you won’t make you happy right now.
I’m telling you because you need to know.
And I will keep telling you again and again until you internalize it, whether or not it actually makes you happy. ”
“It’s a waste of time.”
“I’ll be the judge of that.”
“But you’re still mad at me.”
“Shockingly, I am a multifaceted person with the capability of feeling more than one emotion. I can be angry at things you’ve done while still wanting to help you.” I raised my eyebrows. The barest hint of amusement softened her face. “Now, show me your grades.”
“Oh, my God,” she groaned. “Micah, no.”
“Masters, yes.”
“I hate you.” She turned around and stared at her closed laptop. “And my laptop is dead.”
“You don’t hate me.” I went across the lab space to a drawer under the computer, then pulled out a bundled-up cord. “And look—” I put the cord on the countertop “—a charger.”
“Wow. You are very prepared.”
“I’d actually argue that this is evidence of me being unprepared, since I forget to charge my own laptop often enough that I need a permanent charger for the lab.”
She tilted her head up at me, narrowing her eyes as I plugged the cord into the wall. “I don’t like this game.”
“No game.” I held my hands up, palms facing her.
“Stop trying to make me happy. It’s not going to work.”
“I’m not doing that. I’m just being myself.”
Dakota narrowed her eyes again. “This isn’t yourself. You’re trying to be funny.”
“Am I funny to you?”
“If I say yes, will you fuck me?”
“Woah,” I chuckled. “Right here, right now?”
“I’m not answering that because you’re going to say no anyway.” She crossed her arms.
“Correct.”
“Why?”
“You know why.” I eyed her purposefully, hoping she couldn’t see any of the anguish tearing me up every time we touched this topic.
No, I wasn’t ready to fuck her again. I wanted to.
But I couldn’t. She’d slipped too far out of my grasp for me to be comfortable.
“Turn on your laptop. Don’t you want to find out how much I remember about Process Safety? ”
“You remember everything,” she grumbled, but she listened to me and turned back to the counter.
Part of the reason I chose her for my lab was because I knew she didn’t have any prior internship experience, and likely no connections in the industry.
I wanted to be that for her. It felt like a concrete way I could improve her life, even if I was worsening it in other ways by wrapping her up in my own problems.
Getting the degree was only half the battle, and she didn’t have the privilege to be taking summers off for unpaid internships to build her resume.
She was always quiet, but I noticed it more when her groupmates talked about jobs, or asked the TA internship questions.
I didn’t want her to feel left out of that.
Plus, I actually had worked in industry fresh out of school, so I could help her with that, too. Anything she needed, any string she wanted pulled, I’d do it to the best of my ability.
I take care of you.