Chapter 26 #3
I could see all the nervousness in her posture, hear it in her voice.
Her fingers kept twisting her silver locket on its chain around neck, clicking it open and shut.
She was afraid to ask me things about myself or my life, afraid to even show her own care for me, and that was my fault.
But she’d slipped between my ribs and lived so close to my heart now that I knew telling her anything would be enough to kill me.
To me, I want to know you felt just like show me where to hurt you.
I could survive many things, but being truly known was not one of them.
“Yeah. What do you want to know?” I balled up my wrapper and tossed it in the paper back sitting on the floor at Dakota’s feet.
“Anything.” She twisted to face me fully, sliding across the bench seat to be closer.
“There are two main parts to it—the place where angels live, and the place where human souls go after death. The part with human souls is more nebulous, and the part with angels is more similar to how cities are structured on Earth.”
“Can you go to both?”
“Yes. Most angels have to work in some way, and that’s usually with upkeep of the souls part. It’s called Nepenthe. The rest of Heaven is just Heaven, but the city where angels live is called Mount Olympus. I assume that name is familiar to you.”
“Yes. So, the angels they work by helping the souls get to Nepenthe?”
“Yeah, and other things like that.”
“Interesting.” Her eyes slid over to look out over the ocean again. I tugged her hood off her head so I could see her face better. Her hair was all wavy from being wet when she fell asleep. “I didn’t know there was a city.”
“Yeah. Angels have to live somewhere.” I shrugged.
“And what about God? You said God is real, but not how I think.”
“God is the name of the highest council in Heaven. It’s four archangels, not one person. Michael, Gabriel, Raphael, Uriel.”
“Wow.” She grinned, her cheeks pushing up with genuine joy. “This is so interesting. I always noticed that you and Mason still say God—like oh, my God—so I figured it was still a relevant thing. What’s the difference between an archangel and an angel?”
“Archangels are actually immortal. They won’t die, even if suffocated. They’re also capable of traveling between Earth and Heaven, but those travels are infrequent. There’s not much reason to be on Earth. And their wings are golden.”
“Why did you fall from Heaven if there’s not much reason to be on Earth? It seems like angels don’t just do that. Not unless you’re Thrausian and going to die anyway.”
“Some angels do just do that.”
“But not you. You wouldn’t. I know you wouldn’t.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because.”
“Okay. Well, I did.”
“How long ago?”
“I don’t remember exactly,” I lied. I knew how many years it’d been. “It was a while before you were born.”
She slid all the way across the seat to press herself against my side. “I want to know more.”
“Dakota, I don’t want to keep talking about this.”
“What do you want to talk about?”
“Something else. You.”
“Are you ever going to tell me anything about your life before me?”
I stared purposefully out the windshield, focusing on keeping my expression neutral. The air in the truck was too hot. She was too close. “I just did,” I said.
“You told me about Heaven, not about you.”
“And then I told you I don’t want to fucking talk about it,” I snapped. “Why the fuck don’t you ever listen to me?”
She pulled back, her lower lip twitching in a frown, her arms crossing over her stomach. “I do listen to you.”
“Not when it matters.”
“Wow. Okay. Forgive me for wanting some sort of closeness from you.” Her voice wobbled when she spoke. I couldn’t look at her now.
“Me taking care of you isn’t enough?” I gritted out. “I picked you up from his fucking apartment, took all the pain from your head he caused you without asking questions, and helped you get the rest you always need but never get. That’s not good enough?”
“When did I ever say that wasn’t good enough?”
“It’s implied.”
A sob burst out of her and my head whipped to the side just as her expression broke. She pressed her hands over her face, her sleeves soaking up her tears.
“What am I doing?” she cried. “I keep doing something wrong, and I’m not trying to. I keep making you more angry at me and I can’t fucking take it! What am I supposed to do?”
“For one, you could stop fucking him.”
She dropped her hands, eyes wide and desperate, lined with red. Her face was pale. “Is that what you need?”
Terror gripped my heart in a fist, and I had to swallow every word I wanted to say.
If I asked her to stop and she didn’t…
It was better not to ask.
Better not to know who she’d choose in the end.
I wanted it to be me. I wanted it so badly.
But I just…
When I saw her now, with her teary eyes and sad face, her closed-off posture, I hated myself even more. What am I doing to us? What am I doing to her?
“No,” I said under my breath and shoved the driver’s side door open, stepping out into the rain and slamming it shut behind me. I walked past the hood of the truck, standing near the edge of the rocks while rain hit my shoulders, staring out at the obscured horizon.
The ocean was so violent. Thrashing wildly under a sky webbed with electricity.
The passenger door creaked open behind me and Dakota was at my side after a few seconds.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
I took a few deep breaths, filling my lungs with cool air—but not enough neon. Never enough neon.
“Don’t be sorry, Masters,” I finally answered, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her to me, pushing down all my anger, forcefully shoving every bad thought to the back of my head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry for snapping at you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I meant it. It wasn’t her fault I was so on edge all the time now.
“Okay. Can you help me with my homework today?”
Something warm glowed in my chest, loosening the knot that’d been there.
“Yeah. Of course I’ll help you.”