Chapter 74 #2
“You are. You are, Ash. Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I wanted to die every minute afterward. Why do I need you? Why do I need the only other person in the entire fucking universe who actually knows me in the way you do?”
“Dakota knows you. She’ll learn you.”
“Dakota isn’t the one I fell from Heaven for.
I wouldn’t be standing here, wouldn’t be on Earth at all, without my love for you.
” My breath hitched. “She may be the reason I was granted a second chance at being alive, but I can’t be without you.
I’m not good without you. You know that. You can see that.”
“No.” He was shaking his head, tension lining the tendons in his neck.
“Yes. I’m a fucking mess.” My eyes stung, my chest constricting when I felt a single tear slide down my cheek.
I didn’t wipe it away, as badly as I wanted to.
Even as this vulnerability terrified me, imagining losing him for a second time because of my inability to be honest terrified me more.
Something in the darkest corners of my brain had finally broken, shifted, opened.
“You’re never a mess,” he said, his voice choked up.
“Yes, I am. I die without you.” Another tear dripped down my face.
I reached for Mason’s hand without taking my eyes from his, watching the change in his irises the instant our fingers made contact, his lips twitching, eyes glassy.
He didn’t hesitate to hold me back, interlocking our fingers, squeezing tight enough to bruise.
I loved Dakota with every inch of my soul, every beat of my heart, every breath I drew into my lungs, but I loved him too.
What I had with her could never take away from what I had with him.
It was stupid to pretend it didn’t matter that he’d known me in Heaven. It did matter. It would always matter.
“We’re doing this shit, Ash,” I choked out. “Okay? Don’t fight me. It’s time.”
He swiped at his teary eyes, throat bobbing with a harsh swallow. “Don’t fuck with me.”
“I’m not fucking with you.” I lifted our interlocked hands, holding them right between our chests. Rib to rib, heart to heart. With my pointer finger, I tapped the back of his hand three times.
I. Love. You.
His expression crumpled, twin trails of tears racing down his cheeks. He squeezed his eyes shut, teeth gritted. “Don’t do that.”
We used to do this all the time. Three taps for three words.
An easy way to be there for each other when speaking aloud was hard, because it always was for me. A constant conveyance of love. Reassurance.
“I’m doing it.”
“But what if it’s too much again?” His brown eyes hooked on mine, all his fear on display, all the pain I’d caused him. It stole the air from my lungs, hollowed me out. To Mason, I’d become someone who could love him completely one day and vanish the next. Someone who could leave without a word.
Because that was exactly what I’d done.
And now, standing here, I could see the entirety of the wound I’d left behind. Could see how deep it carved into him, how completely it’d changed him.
“It won’t be too much,” I swore.
“You said that before. Those exact fucking words.” He’d given up on trying to wipe away his tears.
“It’s different now. We have Dakota, and she loves you so fucking much. She loves you like I love you.” My voice was low and honest. She was what we’d been missing the first time. Our perfect center.
“Neither of you should,” Mason forced himself to say, his fingers tightening their grip on my hand, pressing into my bones.
“Both of us do.”
“This isn’t going to last,” he said, but his words were weak. They held no conviction.
“There is no universe in which I can ever fucking tear myself away from you permanently. Especially not one in which I’ve been given a second chance to do things correctly.”
“Please don’t leave me again,” he whispered, stripped raw.
“Don’t let me,” I breathed in response.
“Fuck,” he groaned, squeezing my hand. His finger tapped three deliberate times.
I.
Love.
You.
I leaned in and kissed him, slow and purposeful. Not the rushing, violent kisses we’d smothered ourselves in since Dakota came into our lives, but something that etched all our years together into its frequency.
His hand found the back of my neck, his head inclining and his mouth opening. I slid my tongue along his, heart thumping in my chest.
“Kill,” he said against my lips.
“Ash,” I replied between kisses.
“Kill.”
“Ash.”
I backed him up against a tree, pressing the full length of our bodies together, feeling every solid inch of him, kissing him harder and deeper.
But it still wasn’t rushed this time. I put my tongue in his mouth, tangling it with his, my hands resting on his hips, gliding up to grip his waist, then pushing back down.
“You’re going to give up your apartment,” I said through heavy breaths, feeling like I’d just stepped off a cliff and was in total freefall.
And I needed it. I’d lived in my own carefully-constructed safety net for so long I’d forgotten just how much I craved this reckless obsession with him.
This all-consuming devotion. “You’re going to move in with me.
Tonight. Right now. I want you in my bed.
I want to sleep next to you again. I want to fuck you, and I want you to fuck me. ”
“Yeah,” he agreed, panting. “Okay. Fuck. With Dakota, too.”
“Yes, with her. Always.”
“I’m not going to let you leave me this time,” Mason swore, some confidence and possessiveness coming back into his tone. Fuck, I missed him like this. “I know better than that now. Do you understand that?”
“Yeah. I fucking do.”