Chapter Eight
Kaylee hovered over me from where I sat next to her register. She was doing my makeup while we waited for the rest of the girls to meet us at Silver Springs for the bachelorette party.
“I’m not gonna lie, it’s a trip seeing you without your implants. I mean, it’s not like you had huge honkers before, but you know what I mean. It’s different. I forget you had them sometimes,” she said.
“You saw me without them before, at the engagement party, remember?”
“Oh, you’re right.” She bobbed her head, recollecting. “You look great. Are you still feeling better now that they’re out?” she asked, swishing a brush in the dreamiest lavender eyeshadow.
“Yeah, it’s like a night and day difference.” I grabbed my breasts, which barely filled up my palms. I was a modest B cup now. “It’s weird if you think about it. I’ve spent most of my adulthood with fake boobs.”
“Oh, I remember. I was so mad at Conner for gaslighting you into thinking they weren’t making you sick. I could kill him.” She blew on the brush and then tilted my chin.
I’d spent years exhausted and in pain because of my breast implant illness. I’d presented with issues like fatigue, migraines, and arthritis. I’d even had to get on thyroid medicine at one point because they’d thought I had an autoimmune disease. No one had taken me seriously. I’d done what I always do and fell down a rabbit hole and found a whole community of women experiencing the same thing. Your body could react to the implants like a threat and turn on you with bizarre symptoms. After years of suffering and a bitter divorce, I’d invested in myself and gotten my implants removed. It had been quite an adjustment.
My mom, being the shallow hag she was, had made me feel super insecure about my petite body growing up. She’d gifted me breast implants as a high school graduation gift. She’d acted like it was a favor, sending me off to college with boobs so boys would actually like me. I remembered when I’d told her I’d started dating Conner after college, and she’d made sure to ask if he was a boob or butt man just to prove the theory correct. And when my marriage had been strained, she’d laid on the guilt for not keeping him interested.
She’d say, Maybe if you looked more feminine, he’d want to lie down in the bed you’ve made for yourself.
She’d always hated that I didn’t look like I could belong to a country club. The pink hair, the occasional body hair, the nose ring, the expressive clothing I wore, she berated them all. I was too brash in her eyes. It just made me want to express myself even more. I’d spent so many years hiding from the very woman who should’ve honored and loved me at all costs. Now I was committed to living a life my younger self would’ve been proud of.
I had my own business. I owned my own townhome, filled with all the weird shit my little heart desired. My social calendar stayed full. I was part of a softball league, and I was always trying new exercise classes like Zumba and acro-yoga. And some nights, I’d order takeout and curl up on my comfy sectional couch and binge true crime documentaries with zero shame. Something I know my mother would’ve hated.
I squeezed my eyes shut as I pushed all thoughts of my mom and illness out of my mind. It was supposed to be a happy night.
Kaylee smacked her lips, which I knew meant she’d remembered something. I chanced a peek at what she was doing, only to find her searching behind her register with the makeup brush still in hand. “Before I forget, I have something for you.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah!” She plucked a saffron-colored, beaded bracelet from a little wooden box behind her counter. “This is called golden healer quartz.” She stretched it over my wrist with a little, pleased hum. The stone beads were cool against my skin. “I’ve been charging it up with reiki. The second I unpacked it for the shop, it was singing for you.”
“Thank you,” I said, giving her a quick hug. “Wait, I thought yellow quartz was just citrine?”
She pointed to the bracelet with the brush. “You’re right, but golden healer is a hematoid quartz, which means it has a specific chemical makeup that includes iron, which citrine does not. So it’s rare. Cool, huh?”
I twisted it on my arm, admiring how beautiful it was. Each bead was different, some clearer than others. Some even had inclusions with tiny rainbows reflecting in the lights. Whenever Kaylee gave me anything, I could feel the love she’d poured into it.
“What are the metaphysical properties of this stone?” I asked.
She dabbed the brush in the eyeshadow palette once more and knocked it on the edge to shake off the extra. “Oh, you know, healing energy.”
I knew that tone. That was her forced-detached-evasive tone.
I tilted my head sassily, calling her bluff.
“And it, you know, increases confidence and helps clear blocks on your path.” She shrugged, pulling her lips taut to look casual.
“And?”
She went on sheepishly, “It’s been known to help foster forgiveness, feelings of love, and releasing old patterns.”
“Kaylee!” I snapped. “Are you trying to crystalize me into liking Dane?”
She held up her hands, feigning innocence. “I’m just saying it might help let your guard down.”
I continued to stare at her, half embarrassed, half amused, either way totally clocked.
She balked. “Oh, like you need a fucking crystal to be obsessed with that man! You don’t need a rock to crave his cock!” Clearly done with my shit, she went back to doing my makeup, clucking at me like a mother hen. “It wouldn’t kill you to try things again. Even if it’s just to have fun. I mean, isn’t it tradition for the maid of honor and a groomsman to fuck?”
“You’re unbelievable,” I said, my chest bouncing as I held in a chuckle.
“What does it say about you that you didn’t take the bracelet off, hmm?” she jested.
I reached around to swat her ass. “Speaking of mystical shit, can I ask you to interpret a dream for me?”
“Of course, tell me everything,” she said, dabbing the final shimmer on the inner corners of my eyes.
“So in the dream, I’m flat on my back, staring up at a dusky sky that’s filled with all these crows flying above me in circles. They caw occasionally, but they don’t seem hostile.”
“Just kind of foreboding?” she asked, putting glue on a strip of false eyelashes.
“Yes. What freaks me out is I’m frozen there, stuck watching them. It’s like I’m pinned to the earth. When I wake up, my heart is racing. It’s happened twice since I’ve been on this road trip. What do you think that means?”
She delicately blew on the lashes. “The logical side of me thinks you’re just tired. You’ve been on the road all week and not in your own bed. Who knows, maybe you heard crows outside your hotel room window while you were sleeping?”
“That makes sense. Like when you hear your alarm go off in your dream.”
“Exactly. But the witchy side of me knows that crows are powerful messengers. Whenever I see one, I know magic is afoot. Some cultures view them as negative omens, foretelling bad luck or deception.” She shrugged in consideration. “But others see them as intelligent and fearless. They’re extremely adaptable. Either way, you know my advice—”
“Trust my gut?”
“Bingo!”
Kaylee stuck the tip of her tongue out between her lips slightly as she focused on applying the fake eyelashes on me. For such a wild card, she was quite gentle and calm most of the time. We always joked that she mothered me because she was a Cancer and my mom was a cold-hearted bitch, but all jokes aside, that wasn’t wrong. Kaylee always came in clutch, and she never held judgment. I was pretty sure I could tell her I’d fallen in love with some elderly oil tycoon down in Texas and she’d just ask to bedazzle his Jazzy wheelchair.
“So the class with Maxine was a hit?” she asked.
“Yep. We went half an hour over the planned time because they had so many questions.”
Little did she know, I’d spent the whole morning dreading Dane might show up. When both Viviane and him had no-showed, I’d been relieved.
“I’m sure you made their day.”
“You have a really cool mother-in-law.”
“You should hear what she says to embarrass Harley. She can make him blush so fast.” She gently pressed my lid with the tiny eyelash clamp to ensure the lashes were on. “There you go!”
“Thank you!” I held up a mirror to inspect the final look. “When I do it, I always end up looking like one of those creepy dolls that has one eye stuck shut.”
“Like that one we found at that estate sale in Sarasota when we were still drunk from brunch?”
In our best creepy voices, we leaned in closer and whispered, “Mildred!” together before cackling. It was one of our old inside jokes.
“What’s so funny?” Rosie’s silky voice came in from behind us. She was gorgeous, covered in tattoos and curves, her auburn hair in waves down to the crook of her waist. I instantly felt a little insecure.
“Hey, Rosie!” I gave her a little wave.
“Hey!” She leaned in for a quick hug that earned her brownie points. I’d only talked to Rosie for a quick moment at the engagement party last autumn, but I had mixed feelings about her. She’d lied to Kaylee most of last year. They said they’d settled their differences, but Rosie still had to earn my trust.
“Congrats on getting married!” I said, grabbing her hand to see the sparkly rock.
“Thank you!”
“And you’re sure you’re okay to be the designated driver tonight?” Kaylee asked, slathering on some lip gloss while looking in a compact mirror.
“Yep,” Rosie said, her hand going to her stomach.
“She might be preggers!” Azalea gleefully yelled as she walked to us from the café.
Rosie rolled her eyes. “Zay, what did I say about using that word?”
“Sorry, I keep forgetting you hate that term.”
From where I sat right at eye level, I glanced at Rosie’s midsection, not wanting to be rude but craving more info.
She looked down at me, still protectively holding her abdomen. “We started trying for a baby on the honeymoon. It’s only been a couple of weeks, but I just don’t want to chance anything,” she explained.
“I think that’s really special. Good for you.”
Kaylee snapped her compact mirror shut. “And even better for us!”
We shared a giggle and left for Tilly’s Tavern. The men were going to some lodge tonight so we could steer clear of them. More girls from town met us there, most of their names turning into mush in my mind the second they said them. I found myself alone next to Rosie in a semicircle booth as Kaylee went full-on cheerleader mode for Poe, who was singing a Karaoke version of “Sk8er Boi” across the bar.
“So, you and Dane, huh?” Rosie asked. “Are you going to hook up again?”
“Wh-what do you mean?” I sputtered.
“I saw him stumble out of the forest at the engagement party after talking to you. I figured you guys, you know . . .”
It was like a brick dropped in my stomach. She’d seen? What did she know? Hell, not even Kaylee knew the full story. When she’d asked what happened, I’d told her the gist of it but downplayed it a ton. A townie having information I didn’t know about wasn’t something I’d factored into my situation.
“He stumbled out of the forest?” I asked.
“Yeah, he was doing up his pants and everything. I figured it was after you guys got all up close and personal.” Rosie fiddled with the straw in her Coke, moving around the ice. “I’m sorry. I’m probably reading way too much into it.” She sipped her soda uncomfortably.
“Who else did you tell?”
Her eyes scanned my face in genuine confusion. “No one. It didn’t seem that important.” Her eyes narrowed. “Is there something I’m missing? Are you okay? He didn’t hurt you or—”
“God no! No, he’s just pathetic.” I slid out of the booth. “I’m so glad I don’t have to rely on the dating pool here. No offense! Sounds like you and Kaylee got the last good ones.” I hitched my thumb over my shoulder. “I’m gonna get another drink. Wanna come?”
She picked up her empty glass with a nod.
One Slippery Nipple later, I was swatting the phone out of Kaylee’s hand. “Don’t call him! He’s at his stag!”
“Bitch, I miss Harley! I want to squeeze his ass!” she drunkenly yelled with her eyes closed. She’d always been a codependent drunk. And quite handsy.
“His ass?” I asked in amusement.
“Yes! He has the cutest ass cheeks. They’re like coconuts.” She squeezed the air with one hand in demonstration, letting out a little snarl.
Azalea swayed into me, wine drunk. “Girl, you’re so pretty,” she slurred. I wrapped an arm around her waist as she stared down at me, running her finger down the swoop of my nose. “Your skin is so glowy. I get why Dane likes you. Oop!” Azalea covered her mouth with a snort. “I don’t think I was supposed to say that. Boy talk!” She smiled blissfully. “He talks to my friend Noah all the time about you. And Noah can’t keep secrets, so I know everything.”
Kaylee stopped molesting the air to point at me. “I caught him and Harley talking about you one time, Maze! They were fixing my Jeep. I was driving home and saw Hagrid, that bitch-ass moose, again. I tried to take a photo of him and kinda hit a curb and broke an axel or something important.”
Rosie’s mouth twitched in amusement. “Can I hold your phone for you so you can twerk properly?”
Kaylee joggled it with a devious, little laugh. “Only if I can make a dirty deposit.”
Being a good sport, Rosie pushed her tits together and leaned forward, letting out a whorish porno moan the second Kaylee shoved the phone in her cleavage, causing all of us to break out into cackles of delight.
Another Slippery Nipple later, the girls swayed like a group of drunken lemmings as we watched Azalea serenade us with that song Aerosmith did for the movie Armageddon . She was taking it super seriously with choreography and everything.
“I got you this drink.” A man’s voice came from my right, so I looked away from the stage, spotting a blond guy standing next to my stool at the bar.
“Oh, thanks, but I’ve cut myself off for the night.” I forced a polite smile, eyeing the drink that looked suspiciously cloudy.
His beady eyes flashed over to Kaylee, who had her back to us. “Take it you’re here for the wedding?”
“Maid of honor.” I gave him another brittle smile, hoping he’d get the hint that I wasn’t trolling for a guy.
“Boyd,” he said, extending a hand to shake. “Officer Boyd.”
I refrained from rolling my eyes. He wasn’t in uniform, so it was unnecessary to tell me he was a cop. Plus, I didn’t shake men’s hands, especially in a bar. They never washed them after pissing. I pointedly looked at his outstretched, dirty-dicked hand, sliding mine underneath my thighs from where I sat on the stool. “I’m here with my girls, have a good night.”
He snorted, planting his hand on the bar in a blatant attempt to crowd me. “I guess you weren’t raised with manners. When someone buys you a drink or tries to shake your hand, it’s polite to be nice to them.”
I fixed my eyes on him the best I could with my buzz. “It’s also polite to leave women the fuck alone when they’re clearly not interested.”
My tone must’ve caught Rosie’s attention because she turned around. “Everything okay, Maisie?”
Boyd let out a dark laugh. “Yeah, maybe reconsider the company you keep.” He slapped the counter and swiped the drink to walk away.
“What the fuck was all that about?” Kaylee asked, catching the final moments of the exchange.
“He tried to force a sketchy drink on me,” I said, flashing her a wide-eyed look that relayed and it was spiked.
Rosie guarded our drinks and kept watch on the other women as Kaylee grabbed my elbow to lead me to the bathroom. Her smooth hair tickled my arm as she leaned in, whispering conspiratorially, “Stay the fuck away from that guy, okay? I remember when I first crashed here, he gave me the creeps. Later on, Harley told me all about how he basically had to cockblock Boyd from taking me with him to the station. He knew he wasn’t a good guy and didn’t want me at his mercy.”
“Stop!” I hissed in horror.
“Yeah! He has a dark aura. I’ve given his poor wife two tarot readings recently. It breaks my fucking heart because even the cards show betrayal. Everyone knows he’s a cheater, but I worry he abuses her. And I can’t call the cops because he is one!” she grumbled in frustration. “So I’m trying to find a way to help her out safely.”
By the time we left the bathroom, Boyd was all but waiting for us in the hallway.
“You need to teach your friend some manners, Kaylee.”
“The fuck I do!” she barked back, her voice echoing in the tiled corridor. Leave it to Kaylee to come back swinging.
He scanned me up and down, circling us. “Don’t act like you weren’t interested in getting free drinks, coming in here with a short skirt like that. It’s like you’re asking for it.”
“I could be sitting on the bar, full pussy out, and I still wouldn’t be asking for it. Especially from your creepy ass. Do you hear me? Leave me the fuck alone!”
Kaylee slid between us, facing me. “Let’s go.”
“You’re a mouthy little thing, aren’t you?” he said behind Kaylee.
“The only thing more pathetic than your pickup lines is that receding hair line, you fucking beady-eyed bastard!” I yelled as she pushed at my shoulders to hold me back from pouncing on him like a drunken, enraged, little Chihuahua.
Kaylee all but herded me down the hallway, other patrons breaking up our spat as they walked past to the bathroom. Right before he was out of my line of vision, I flipped him off with my best ugly face.
“I meant what I said. You better pull your bitch!” he hollered at Kaylee.