Chapter Twenty-Nine
We gathered our things in the cottage in scathing silence. I fought a sob, pressing my chest against his wide shoulders as I wrapped my arms around him for the drive back. Our hearts were so close but now broken. Usually, when you broke up, you got to break away, but that wasn’t the case.
We spent the bulk of the afternoon journeying back to Pine Bluff. Once we hit Main Street, I tapped his shoulder and asked him to drive to his shop instead of taking me to Tilly’s.
We both got off the bike. I freed myself from the rucksack and helmet. “Can we talk, please? We’ve had time to cool off. I don’t want to leave this way.”
He walked to the back door of his shop. “What is there to talk about?”
I chased after him. “Dane, please.”
He guided me inside, his lips in a thin line. It was empty since Lennie had gone home for the night. I hated that when I walked up the stairs, I imagined living there with him, maybe helping him with improving his business methods. I was good at that. Hell, I went to college for that.
Flicking on some lights, I could see what a sad, sterile bachelor pad it was. There was a simple leather couch, a scratched-up coffee table, a TV, and some weights. Then the kitchen, which only had two stools under the bar, and the hallway leading to his modest bedroom. Not much in regard to décor or homey touches.
The idea of Dane working full-time as a mechanic all week only to climb up to this sad loft above his business to avoid his cottage clawed at me with guilt. He deserved cuddles and fun dates with someone who actually cared about him, not just some flighty tourist. He deserved black-and-white pictures on the wall of him and his lover and cozy nights at home. He deserved someone who wanted to hear all about his day.
He’d made some mistakes when he was a young, dumb kid, and that shouldn’t trap him here. I knew that. Prior to all this, I’d believed in prison reform and that the war on drugs was fundamentally unhelpful to our society because it was only one piece of the puzzle.
I shook my head and rubbed my temples, trying to make sense of everything clashing in my mind.
“Look, I’m nervous that you kept being a felon from me. We talked about so much for the days we were on the trip. You told me about other parts of your past, so it feels like you left it out intentionally.”
“I did because I don’t think it makes me a threat to society. Strange enough, I feel like it made me into a better man. I appreciate my life, even if you think it’s pathetic.” He made a sweeping gesture with his arm. “This is all I have and I’m happy about it most days. I just wish I had someone to share it with, and I didn’t even realize that until I met you.”
“Dane, I’m sorry you’ve had to live with this mess of feeling like you can only work for yourself and everyone leaves you, yet you can’t leave here. Even if it’s not with me, I truly want you to move on from this. You deserve a happier life. You deserve so much!”
“How can you say that but not want to be a part of it?”
I held up my hands in front of my chest. “I can’t be with you. I can’t stay here.”
“Is it because Kaylee asked if you’d be hanging around in town when she got back? Are you ashamed of us?”
“No. If anything, I feel like I’m in a plug and play situation.”
“Plug and play?” he asked in confusion.
I fiddled with the metal button on my jacket. “Yeah, how many tourists have you taken on whale watching cruises? Long walks on the beach.” I rolled my eyes, waving to his oven. “Fresh lobster dinners.”
“None,” he said with an annoyed scowl.
“I don’t really believe that. How did you plan everything so easily?”
“I problem solve for a living; it’s all I do. Pivot, find the next approach. I also had months to think about all the things I’d like to do with you if I ever saw you again!” He leaned against the sink, rubbing his eyes. “Dear god, woman! What do I have to do to convince you?” His voice was so weary.
“To convince me what?”
“That I love you!”
I stepped back in shock.
“Because I do. I love you, Maisie. I don’t know what else I can do to show you. I’ve tried to talk about it with you. I’ve tried to show you in so many different ways.”
He had. I knew he had.
“I love you, too,” I said. But even to my own ears, my voice was sad, small.
His eyes darted side to side. “You’re showing it in a pretty weird way.”
“I feel lied to, and on top of that, it’s like you want me to be something I’m not. You want me to drop my whole life and fit into yours.”
“No, I’m just trying to make this work.” Tears glazed his eyes, a sob hitching in his throat. “I’m sick of not being enough for you!”
I winced, knowing the feeling. It was how I’d felt with my mom my whole life. A new roll of unease punched through my body.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m the problem.”
“Don’t give me that. The whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ bullshit. I deserve more than that.”
“I can’t stay here! I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
“Why? I don’t get it. Kaylee is here. The town is mellow. You could even live at my cottage while we date. I can stay here to not crowd you.”
“You don’t get it! I can’t pick up my entire life and move here. I need the sun. I need heat. I need wide, open spaces to feel free. I can’t breathe here! It’s too crowded with trees and expectations.”
He folded his arms over his chest. “Expectations. That’s a funny word for commitment.”
“I’m not scared of commitment, but I don’t think I can risk it. You treat everything like a fling, and you kept something really important from me. We had fun. There was a connection. We fell in love, but it just needs to be what it was.”
“You know it’s more than that.” He stepped closer, his hands cradling my face.
“It will swallow me whole. You”—I shoved a finger in his chest—“will swallow me whole. I will be a shell of the woman you met.”
“That’s not how love works. We’ll pour into each other. Make each other better.”
All I could do was look up at him in silence.
He dropped his hands, backing away with a slow gulp as his eyes became glassier. “Maisie, please don’t do this.”
“Why can’t you move to Texas with me?” I’d said it. I had finally fucking said it. Had I been thinking about it for months? Secretly, maybe, okay, totally yes, yes, I had. “I really don’t think it will be that hard to find a job as a mechanic with a record.”
“That’s not it. You don’t get it. I can’t abandon my shop. It was my dad’s. It’s one of the last pieces I have of my family other than my last name.”
“Is it worth it? Wouldn’t your dad want you happy even if it means closing the shop?”
“You could just spend the summer in Pine Bluff. You’re selling Pretty Kitty anyways. Couldn’t you seal the deal remotely? Test things out here? If it doesn’t work, then we can move on to other options. I’m not trying to sell my business; you are. You have more mobility.”
“I can’t.”
“Tell me why.”
Unshed tears blurred my vision. “Because I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t structure my entire life around a man. My mom did that. She was always looking for my dad, dragging me to every rodeo on the off chance she’d find him so she could throw me in front of him like evidence. Or she was hunting for another man to anchor to. She’d change her whole personality and reorient her entire life around a man who couldn’t be bothered to remember my name.”
“You’re not anything like your mother.”
I aggressively pointed at my own chest, my fingertip knocking my sternum. “But I am! I dropped almost everything and tried to fit in the box Conner wanted me in. I just broke out. You don’t understand! All I have is my independence and it came at a great cost. I can’t give it up.”
“I don’t want you to be anything you’re not. I just want you to be mine.”
“You can’t mean that.”
“I just want you,” he reaffirmed.
“I want you, but I want to be myself. I keep running from you. I don’t even know why you want me.”
“I just know you’re the one for me. You feel it too.”
“I do,” I murmured.
“If you’re so hellbent on ruining my life, then you might as well give me an ounce of pleasure along with all this torture. Tell me you’ll stay.”
“Hellbent?”
“Yes.”
“I’m hellbent?”
“Yes, and stubborn and maddening and a little too fucking pretty while you’re at it. But here’s some news for you.” He pointed directly at my heart. “I’m hellbent on loving you.”
He stared at me with soulful eyes, his deep breaths making his wide shoulders rise and fall.
I took my first step back, then another. With each one, his face would twitch in discomfort. Then, like ripping off a Band-Aid, I turned, racing down the stairs, blinking back tears.
My hands were tingling, so I shoved them in the pockets of my jacket and continued to book it to Tilly’s. If I could just get my card and I.D. and get in my hearse, it would be the last hurdle. I’d be on the road, blaring my favorite break-up playlist, bawling my eyes out in peace.
I had a broken picker, and I’d picked the wrong one again. It was as simple as that.
He was a felon. He only knew flings. He was hellbent on staying in Maine.
I choked back a sob. It was already dusk. With all the adrenaline, I could probably drive well into the night, maybe find a hotel for late check-in a couple hours away. The seaside cottage flashed in my head and caused another cry to wheeze out of me. I dabbed my eyes, picking up my pace with Tilly’s in sight.
I beelined to the bartender. His eyebrows were already raised in recognition as he opened his cash register and dug under the drawer, presenting my two cards with a nod. “One AmEx and a Texas license for a Maisie Quinn.”
“Thank you!” I gasped, needing the good news.
“No problem.” He slid the receipt to close out my tab across the bar with a chewed-up pen that said Barrett Towing with a roaring bear as the logo. I gnawed my lip, hoping my car was still where I’d parked it.
I made sure to tip him triple the amount of my bill since he’d safeguarded my shit and thanked him once more. Exiting Tilly’s, I rounded the parking lot, making my way around the block to my hearse. Seeing her all shiny and safe, I wanted to bawl for other reasons besides just self-inflicted heartbreak. My keys were buried in my purse, unused for days. While digging, a loud swarm of crows flew over, settling on a tree way down the street. I eyed them, a chill settling over me.
Get out now.
With a frantic hand, I continued to dig in my purse, finding everything but my keys. I looked to my left, certain I heard footsteps. Then, with a buzzing noise behind me, all the muscles in my body tensed up like the worst charley horse of my life. I fell to the ground, and the cement grated my skin. As I tried to stand up, a whack on the back of my head jarred me.
The cawing faded. And just like the inky wing of a crow, blackness engulfed me, shrouding me in silence.