“I’m Not Ready to be Alone”
Alan’s silver Lexus comes to a stop while we both sit in silence. The tension between us is thick as we wait for one of us to start talking. He has to notice the way I fidget with my keys and look down towards my lap. He notices everything.
“Thank you for agreeing to meet with me after work.” His deep voice startles me through the cloud of silence between us. His words sound like we just had an office meeting, not something just shy of a date.
“Thank you for inviting me.” I look up with the most innocent smile I can muster up.
The charming smile he gives me in return could melt off the black jeans I’m wearing.
He grips his fingers around the leather steering wheel until I hear the small sound of skin up against the rubber texture.
Is he just as nervous as I am? I reach for the plastic handle in an attempt to leave his car.
“Well,” I say, interrupting the few seconds of quiet, “it’s late and I probably should be getting inside. I’m sure you have to work early in the morning. ”
“At least let me walk you to your door.” He removes his key from the ignition, turning the car off completely. With the same bright look, I nod in his direction. What choice do I have at this point?
He presses his heavy hand on my thigh as a signal to wait for his chivalrous attempt to open my door. My hand freezes at my side, and I watch him make his way around to my side of the car. The loud noise of the heavy door closing reverberates off the empty streets.
“Lead the way,” he insists with the enthusiastic grin he still wears on his face.
We both walk up to the metal door on the side of the building.
It opens to the stairs that would eventually lead to a hall of many apartments.
This door is supposed to be locked, but none of the residents ever lock it when they leave.
Alan follows closely behind while we walk up the white-tiled stairs.
His dress shoes tap along the hard, cold surface.
I wonder what his place looks like. Is it anything like Lee’s place?
I bet Alan lives in a large mansion in the middle of a gated community.
I bet he has maids and cooks that cater to his every whim.
What would Lee think if he knew Alan was walking me home? Would he be upset if he knew someone else was walking with me up to my apartment, or would he be happy knowing that I’m being safe?
The memory of the other night in his car muddies my vision.
Did he really tell me that I am “his?” What does that mean for us?
Am I his? Or is that just something he tells every woman he’s with?
Are we together, or am I just reading too much into what he said?
Honestly, with my history, it’s probably the second one . What does that mean for me and Alan ?
When I look at him and he looks back at me, it’s just different. It’s like I’m being sucked into a fucking trance, and I can’t do anything but stare back. His jade eyes are the true cause of my hypnosis.
We stop when we come to the long hallway of brown metal doors. With Alan trailing close behind, the doors look like they will go on forever.
“You’re apartment 6C, right?” He inquires while looking over my shoulder.
“What?” How the fuck does he know that? I turn my head to look at him behind me. I wonder if he notices the red creeping into my cheeks.
“I can see your key.”
Of course. The 6C is engraved in the middle of the square-shaped silver key I’m holding in my hand. Nothing weird about that. Calm down, Thalia.
The once-charming beam he has worn is now replaced with that sexy smirk he does. Either way, my jeans are fucked.
“Right.” I continue to lead him straight to the direction of my door.
My mind floods with nervous thoughts, ones that come a little too late.
I am taking someone I barely know to where I live; I am showing Alan Jones where my apartment is.
The host of my favorite podcast, a man that I think about when I’m alone, is going to know where I live.
My keys jingle in my hand with every step I take. Five more doors, four more doors… two more doors… here it is. Fuck, what should I do?
“Well,” I ramble nervously, “here we are.” I lean my back against the door, and hesitantly, my eyes lay on his.
“Here we are.” His emerald orbs shoot into my core. Alan’s large body is so close to mine, the heat of him undeniable .
“Thank you for walking me home.” Fuck, did my voice just crack? He just smiled. Yep, it definitely cracked.
“Anytime. I would gladly do it again.” He places his large hand on my door frame next to my head. His casual dominance has my knees weakening.
“What if I called you, and I was standing on the stairs all alone at one in the morning?” What the fuck am I doing? Is this another attempt at flirting? I am acting like a smitten teenager. Alan looks down at his watch.
“Well, right now it’s getting close to five A.M. and here I am. If it were any other night and you told me you needed me, I would drive as fast as I could from wherever the hell I was, just so I knew you would get home safe.”
There is something in the way he leans in closer, and the way the pitch changes in his voice tells me he isn’t kidding.
Alarms are screaming in my head. I should be scared right now.
This isn’t some rom-com movie; this is real life.
Tell him to leave, Thalia. You’ve only met this guy, like what, twice?
Use what you learned from his fucking show and don’t be an idiot .
“It’s good to know I’ll always be safe.” I swallow a deep knot in my throat, putting on the most confident mask that I can muster.
“You’ll always be safe around me.” The volume of his voice is barely above a whisper.
I nod and turn to face the door, Alan’s warm breath brushing the back of my neck as he watches me slide the key in the lock.
Time seems to freeze as my brain weighs the outcomes of our interaction, of all the questions still swirling in my mind.
I turn the knob and use my hip to push open the door, wondering if he’ll follow me in. Or would he be a gentleman as always and wait for an invitation? He leans his tall figure against the frame of the entryway with his arms across his chest. “Have a good night, Thalia.”
He smiles broadly from ear to ear and turns to walk in the opposite direction.
Three. Two. One. Just what I thought… “Hey, Alan...” I hear the quiver in her voice as she calls out to me. Yes, my Listener. Stopping, I turn around in the empty hallway of doors, attempting nonchalance. If I’m not careful, I might look too desperate.
“Would you like to come in for, umm, I don’t know…more coffee?” She peeks her head around the archway behind her door. Her body is cast in shadow from the light in her living room that I am all too familiar with.
My lips turn into the smirk that I know she loves, and I step further into her view. I check the hands on my watch again and pretend to look at the time on the face.
“I know it’s late, and we just had coffee. You probably need to get home.” She wrings her hands nervously. “I-I’m just not ready to be alone right now.”
I wonder if she knows how badly I want this, just to be alone with her a little bit longer. I’m not ready to leave .
“I’ll stay as long as you want, and when you want me to leave, say the word and I’m gone.” I shove my hands in the pockets of my slacks.
“You sure I’m not keeping you out too late?” She asks while standing in the doorway.
“You’re perfectly fine.” She simpers up at me and leads me into her small apartment.
“Well, this is it.” She motions to her space. I’ve seen this all before. I nod.
“It’s cozy.” It isn’t a lie. It is lived in, and when I stand in her space, while she knows , it is comforting and welcoming. It is vastly different from what I am used to: a facade of the perfect life.
“You want to sit down?” She invites me in, signalling towards her couch.
“Yeah, I’d like that.” I nod, imitating the words she used earlier this evening. I remove my jacket and lay it across her small counter. Attempting to calm my nerves, I roll up my sleeves and walk to her on the couch.
We sit close, and I loosen my tie, leaning my thigh up against hers.
I know she wants me as much as I crave her.
I just need to prove it to both of us. I shift my weight so that I can face her and cross my arms across my chest, watching her closely as I try to guess her next move.
Glancing over her shoulder, I notice the small black case that contains her wireless earbuds on the end table next to the arm of the couch.
I try my best to keep a straight face as memories flood through me of the last time I saw her on this very couch.
She moves to face me, her knees touching mine from the proximity.
Her eyes drift from mine and land on my lips.
She slides her body closer as if needing to eliminate all the space between us.
My arms fall fluidly by my sides. One deep breath would have our chests brushing against each other, our rapid heartbeats close enough to sync up.
“Thalia, if you come any closer to me…” I sigh against her cheek. She seems to take my words as a challenge, her lips almost grazing mine. You have no idea how badly I fucking want you. “If you kiss me, there isn’t any coming back from me. I won’t be able to stop myself.”
She moves in further and presses her full lips to mine. Listener, you have no idea what you’ve just done.
Leaning into her, my lips plant forcefully against hers. Unable to resist the urge to taste her—all of her—my tongue finds the opening between her parted lips to search for hers. God, she tastes so fucking good–a mix of whiskey and obsession.
I suck her lower lip into my mouth, needing to devour her, and pull her on top of my lap. The very center of her is positioned over my hardened cock. The warmth of her makes me ache as her thick thighs pin me down to her couch. There’s no other place I’d rather be.