11. Chapter 11
CHARLOTTE
Charlotte had dreamed of this moment for years.
Not just the sex, though god, she'd dreamed about that too, but this. Walking into her bedroom with Jo's hand in hers. Turning to face her in the soft light from the bedside lamp. Seeing the nervousness and want written across Jo's face.
"Hey," Charlotte said softly.
"Hey." Jo's laugh was shaky. "I'm nervous. Is that weird?"
"Not weird at all."
"You've done this before. With other women. I haven't..." Jo gestured vaguely. "I don't know what I'm doing."
Charlotte stepped closer. Close enough to feel Jo's warmth, to see the rapid pulse in her throat.
"You know me," Charlotte said. "You know what I like. You know how to make me laugh, how to make me angry, how to make me feel safe." She touched Jo's face. "You'll figure out the rest."
"What if I'm bad at it?"
"You won't be."
"How do you know?"
"Because it's you." Charlotte kissed her, soft and slow. "Because I've been imagining this for so long that any version of reality is going to be better than my imagination."
Jo laughed against her mouth. "That's a lot of pressure."
"No pressure. Just us." Charlotte pulled back, studied her face. "We can stop anytime. If you change your mind, if it's too much..."
"I don't want to stop." Jo's voice was steady now. Certain. "I want this. I want you."
Those words cracked her open. I want you. Jo wanted her. After all that longing, of watching from a distance, of loving without being loved back. Jo wanted her.
"Okay," Charlotte breathed. "Okay."
She kissed Jo again. Deeper this time, with intent. Her hands found the hem of Jo's shirt, slid underneath to touch warm skin.
Jo made a sound, surprise or pleasure, and her own hands went to Charlotte's waist. Pulling her closer. Erasing the distance between them.
They undressed each other slowly. Charlotte started with Jo's shirt, unbuttoning it one button at a time, watching Jo's face change with each inch of skin revealed. Jo was watching her back, eyes wide, like she was seeing Charlotte for the first time.
"Can I..." Jo's hands hovered at Charlotte's collar.
"Yes. Anything."
Jo's fingers trembled as she worked the buttons of Charlotte's blouse. Charlotte held still, let herself be unwrapped, felt Jo's gaze on every inch of exposed skin.
"God," Jo whispered when the blouse fell away. Her eyes traced Charlotte's body: the simple black bra, the pale skin, the lines of her collarbone. "You're so beautiful."
Charlotte's throat tightened. "So are you."
"I mean it." Jo's hands came up to trace Charlotte's shoulders, her arms, the curve of her waist, gentle and reverent, like Charlotte was precious. "I can't believe I never let myself see you. Not really see you."
"You're seeing me now."
"Yeah." Jo's smile was devastating. "I am."
Charlotte reached behind herself, unhooked her bra, let it fall. Jo's eyes went dark. Her hands stilled on Charlotte's waist.
"Is this okay?" Charlotte asked.
"More than okay." Jo's voice was rough. "I just—I want to remember this. Every second."
Charlotte's heart cracked open a little more. Years of wanting, and now Jo was looking at her like this, like Charlotte was a revelation.
She helped Jo out of her shirt, her bra. Took her time with each layer, watching Jo adjust to being seen like this. Watching her nervousness give way to wonder.
"You're gorgeous," Charlotte said, and meant it. "I've always thought so."
Jo laughed, shaky. "You never said anything."
"I was being careful." Charlotte traced the line of Jo's shoulder, her collarbone, the swell of her breast. "I'm done being careful."
Jo's eyes fluttered closed at the touch. "Charlotte—"
"Come to bed with me."
They fell onto the mattress together, a tangle of limbs and laughter and the kind of intimacy Charlotte had only ever dreamed about. Jo's body was warm against hers, warm and soft and real in a way fantasies had never been.
"Tell me what you want," Charlotte said, straddling Jo. Looking down at her, flushed and breathless against Charlotte's white sheets. "Anything. I'll give you anything."
"I want—" Jo's voice broke as Charlotte's mouth found her neck, as Charlotte kissed a path from her jaw to her collarbone. "I want you to show me. What you like. What feels good."
"Everything feels good with you." Charlotte kissed lower, between Jo's breasts, felt her stomach tense. "Every single thing."
"Helpful." Jo laughed, but it turned into a gasp as Charlotte's mouth closed over her nipple. "Oh—Charlotte—"
"Good?"
"I didn't know..." Jo's hand found Charlotte's hair. "I didn't know it would feel like this."
Charlotte smiled against her skin. "We're just getting started."
She took her time. Jo's stomach jumped under her mouth when Charlotte traced her ribs; her hips tipped up when Charlotte kissed lower.
The first time Jo whispered her name, Charlotte felt it low in her own body.
The second time was rougher, less surprise than demand, and Charlotte had to stop for one breath just to keep from rushing.
"Is this okay?" Charlotte asked, her fingers at the waistband of Jo's underwear.
"Yes." Jo's voice was wrecked. "Please. Yes."
Charlotte eased the fabric down Jo's legs and looked up. Jo was flushed from throat to chest, one knee falling open without being asked. The sight hit Charlotte so hard she had to swallow before she could move.
"You're shaking," Charlotte said softly.
"I'm—it's a lot." Jo laughed, unsteady. "I've never felt like this before. I didn't know I could feel like this."
Charlotte kissed her hip. Her thigh. The inside of her knee. "Tell me if you need me to stop."
"Don't stop." Jo's hand found Charlotte's again, squeezed. "Whatever you do, don't stop."
Charlotte settled between Jo's legs. Pressed a kiss to her inner thigh, felt the muscle jump beneath her lips. Jo was beautiful like this, vulnerable and wanting, trusting Charlotte completely.
"I love you," Charlotte said, looking up at her. "I need you to know that. Before we do this. I love you."
"I love you too." Jo's eyes were wet. "Now please—"
Charlotte lowered her mouth and gave Jo everything she'd been holding back.
Jo's breath broke on the first slow stroke.
Charlotte felt the reaction before she heard it: thighs tightening around her shoulders, heel dragging over the sheet, fingers slipping from the mattress into Charlotte's hair.
She adjusted when Jo chased the pressure, firmer when Jo pulled her closer.
Years of fantasy had never supplied this—the heat of her, the tiny helpless laugh when Charlotte's nose bumped her, the swear that followed when Charlotte did it again on purpose.
Jo cried out, surprised and overwhelmed, and her hand gripped the sheets. Charlotte started slow, learning what made Jo gasp, what made her moan, what made her whole body arch off the bed.
"Oh god." Jo's voice was barely recognizable. "Charlotte—I can't—"
"You can." Charlotte didn't stop. Focused on the sounds Jo was making, how her body moved, how her hand had found Charlotte's hair and was holding on like Charlotte was the only thing keeping her tethered to earth.
Nothing had ever been like this. Everything with Jo was singular.
Charlotte had done this before, with other women, in other beds, always thinking of Jo.
But nothing had prepared her for the reality.
For how Jo responded to every touch. For the sounds she made, small and desperate and beautiful.
For her voice repeating Charlotte's name like a prayer.
Charlotte paid attention. Jo liked steady pressure more than teasing now; liked Charlotte's hand spread over her hip; liked being told exactly how good she was. When Jo started to tremble and her voice went thin at the edges, Charlotte kept the rhythm she was asking for.
"I've got you," Charlotte murmured against her. "I've got you. Let go."
Jo fell apart.
Jo's whole body tensed, the cry she couldn't hold back breaking the quiet of the room, and Charlotte tasted the pulse of her release. She worked Jo through it, gentle now, drawing out every last wave until Jo's hand went slack in her hair.
"Oh my god." Jo was gasping, staring at the ceiling. "Oh my god."
Charlotte kissed her hip and crawled up to lie beside her. "Good?"
"I didn't know..." Jo turned her head, and her eyes were bright with tears. "I've never felt anything like that. Not ever. Not with anyone."
"I know." Charlotte brushed the tears from Jo's cheeks. "That's how it's supposed to be."
"Is that..." Jo took a shaky breath. "Is that what it's like? When it's right?"
Charlotte brushed damp hair off Jo's forehead. "It's what it can feel like when you want someone and you trust them. You don't have to compare it to anything else."
Jo pulled her down into a kiss. Deep and fierce, tasting herself on Charlotte's lips, with a confidence Charlotte had never seen before.
"I want to do that to you," Jo said against her mouth. "I want to make you feel like that."
Charlotte's whole body went hot. "You don't have to..."
"I want to." Jo was already moving, rolling them so Charlotte was on her back. Her hands were everywhere: Charlotte's shoulders, her breasts, her stomach. Learning. Exploring. "Tell me how. Tell me what you need."
"Jo—"
"I need to know what you feel like." Jo's mouth found Charlotte's breast, and Charlotte gasped. "I need to know what makes you..."
"God. Yes. That."
Jo kissed her way down Charlotte's body, tentative, pausing at Charlotte's ribs like she'd lost her map.
"Lower," Charlotte whispered, and Jo laughed, breathless and nervous, her forehead pressed against Charlotte's stomach.
"Sorry. I'm—this is new."
"I know." Charlotte ran her fingers through Jo's hair. "You're doing great."
Jo's hands explored with none of Charlotte's practiced confidence and all of her attention.
She tried one angle, watched Charlotte's face, adjusted when Charlotte shifted toward her.
Her nose bumped Charlotte's hip bone and they both laughed, the sound dissolving into a moan when Jo found a better angle.
"Smooth," Jo muttered.
"The smoothest."
"Like this?" Jo asked, her fingers sliding lower.
"Yes." Charlotte could barely speak. "Yes, just..."
Jo's mouth found her, hesitant at first, too soft, then too much, then Charlotte gasped and Jo held there, learning the difference. Charlotte's vision went white at the edges.
It wasn't polished. Jo pulled back twice to ask if she was doing it right, and once she caught Charlotte at the wrong angle and had to start over.
But it didn't matter. What mattered was that it was Jo.
Jo's mouth, Jo's hands, the fierce concentration on her face every time Charlotte looked down.
Jo learning her like she was the most important thing in the world.
"Tell me if this is..." Jo started.
"Don't stop." Charlotte's voice was wrecked. "Please. Don't stop."
Jo didn't stop. She held the pressure Charlotte asked for, then slipped two fingers inside when Charlotte tugged her closer and said, "More.
" The combination punched the breath out of Charlotte.
Her thighs tightened, Jo's name broke loose, and for once Charlotte didn't try to make the sound smaller.
Jo gathered her close immediately. Charlotte buried her face in Jo's neck and sobbed.
"Hey." Jo's voice was worried. "Are you okay? Did I hurt you? Did I do something wrong?"
"No." Charlotte laughed, wet and broken. "No, you did everything right."
"Then why—"
"Because I've wanted this for so long." Charlotte pulled back to look at her, this woman she'd loved for so long. "Because I didn't think I'd ever get to have it. Because you're here, and you love me, and I can finally stop pretending I don't feel this way."
Jo's face crumpled. "Lottie."
"I love you." Charlotte had said it before, but here the words felt stripped of every precaution she'd ever wrapped around them. "I love you so much. I've loved you for years, and I never thought I'd get to say it with you holding me like this."
"I love you too." Jo kissed her, soft and desperate. "I love you. I'm so sorry it took me so long."
"You're here now."
"I'm here now."
They held each other as the tears subsided. Charlotte listened to Jo's heartbeat, felt her own slowly returning to normal. The room was quiet except for their breathing. The world outside Charlotte's apartment ceased to matter at all.
"That was..." Jo started.
"Yeah."
"Is it always like that?"
Charlotte smiled against her shoulder. "It's always like that with you. Or it will be."
"I want it to always be like that." Jo's arms tightened around her. "I want to do this forever."
"Forever's a long time."
"Not long enough." Jo kissed her temple. "I wasted so long not knowing. I'm not wasting any more."
Charlotte tilted her head up to look at her. In the lamplight, Jo was beautiful, flushed and satisfied and looking at Charlotte like she'd been handed a miracle.
"You didn't waste anything," Charlotte said. "You weren't ready. You can't rush these things."
"And you never said anything."
Charlotte touched her mouth to Jo's. "I would have chosen the friendship if that was all you could give me. I'm very glad it isn't."
Jo pulled her closer. Charlotte rested her head on Jo's chest, listening to the steady beat of her heart, feeling the rise and fall of her breath.
"I should have known sooner," Jo said quietly. "Everyone else knew. Grandma, Val, Hunter—"
"They saw it from the outside. You had to figure it out from the inside. That's harder."
"Still."
"Jo." Charlotte traced patterns on Jo's stomach, watching goosebumps rise in the wake of her touch. "You're here now. That's what matters."
Outside, the city continued on. Sirens in the distance. Traffic below. A world that had no idea everything had just changed.
But in here, in this bed, with Jo's arms around her, Charlotte was home.
Jo's phone buzzed on the nightstand. She ignored it, pulling Charlotte tighter. It buzzed again.
"That's Val," Jo murmured into Charlotte's hair. "She'll want to know where I am."
Charlotte's stomach dipped. Val. Hunter. Grandma Ruth. The whole family that had been hers for a decade, built on a version of Jo that didn't exist anymore.
"What do we tell them?" Charlotte asked.
Jo was quiet for a long time. Her fingers kept moving through Charlotte's hair, steady and sure, but her heartbeat had picked up against Charlotte's cheek.
"The truth," Jo said finally. "We tell them the truth."
Charlotte closed her eyes. The truth. Such a simple word for a force that would change everything.