Chapter 18
Isaac
All day I was distracted. I even resorted to going outside just to talk things through with Gertrude.
“What am I going to do?”
She just stared at me blinking her eyes.
“I’m serious, Gertrude. What the hell am I going to do? I’ve spent most of my life refusing to live. I’ve pushed everyone away, terrified that I was the cause of so many deaths. Everyone around me died. Anyone I let get close died. I can’t watch her die too.”
Baa!
“I hear ya, but I’m scared. The best thing for me to do is just keep her at arms’ length. Normally that would be easy, but she’s my one true mate, Gert. How am I supposed to just walk away from that?”
Baa!
“I know. I tried to push her away. She’s a stubborn one, especially over those kids.”
Baa!
“They aren’t that bad. You’ll get to meet them this evening. They’re going to have farm chores. I was originally thinking in the morning, but they have to be up and out of here before the sun rises.”
She gave me an incorrigible look.
I snorted. “I knew you wouldn’t be happy about that, so I decided evening chores would be best. Don’t worry girl. I had your needs in mind too. But really, they aren’t bad boys. Probably remind me way too much of myself. But don’t tell them, okay?”
I petted her.
“They’re bringing up a lot of memories I didn’t think I wanted. Not all of them have been bad though. Sure, I’d had my shit times. But there was good too. The Wyman’s were very good to me. They took me in as if I were one of their own.”
For once, I allowed myself to remember.
“You would have loved Freddy. He wasn’t just my brother; he was my best friend.
I blamed myself when he died. I knew he was being bullied.
Mike and Ted bullied everyone. They were assholes.
We all knew it. They mostly didn’t mess with me, and they wouldn’t touch Freddy when I was around, but I hadn’t been around.
I’d been busy and distracted by some pretty face at the time.
I can’t even remember her name. She wasn’t worth it.
Very little in this world was worth losing him. ”
My mind flickered to Vanessa. Yeah, she might be worth it, though I wasn’t quite ready to admit that to Gertrude yet.
“If I’d been there to protect him, or even just been there for him, maybe he wouldn’t have done it.”
I pressed my eyes closed, wanting to block out the bad memories.
His mother had found him, but I’d heard the scream; I’d rushed to her side; and I had seen it all.
“They said he committed suicide, but I never believed it. He was bullied a lot but he was happy with his life. I would have known if he hadn’t been.
There were bruises and other things that didn’t add up to a suicide.
Something more had happened but no one would believe me.
More than anything I just wish I could ask him what happened.
If it was a suicide, why? He had some much going for him.
It just didn’t make sense, still doesn’t.
Why would he do that? Why would he let them get to him like that?
He had so much to live for. How could he do that to his parents?
How could he do it to me? I was so angry and alone.
And I was filled with guilt for not being there in his moment of need.
I’ve never really voiced that out loud before.
I am angry at Freddy, but I was also angry at his parents because they just accepted it was a suicide.
It couldn’t have been. He was murdered. No one will ever convince me otherwise.
It feels good to say that out loud. Thanks for being a good listener, Gertrude. ”
I petted her as I remembered the crippling hurt, the fear, the loneliness. With Freddy gone, what did I have?
We were just a few days away from graduation. I’d ditched out on all of it. I had withdrawn from everyone. I knew his mom and dad were worried about me, and I hated that. It just made me feel even more guilty. So I’d done what I had to do—I left.
In many ways, I’d died too.
It had always seemed right to me. Why should I get to live when he couldn’t?
But as I allowed myself to remember I couldn’t help but realize that if everyone had been right and he had taken his own life, then he chose that.
He made the decision to end his life without care or thought of anyone else.
That had been on him and while I’d traveled this loop of anger and depression many times over, ultimately, it wasn’t my fault, it was his.
Unless I was right and it had been murder.
And that’s where the loop continued because I would never know for sure.
Did I accept that it was his choice? Or did I believe he was the victim? Each scenario left me feeling guilty.
What I’d done in the aftermath of it had been on me though.
How was I any better than him? I knew his parents loved me as their own, yet I’d left them too.
. . physically and emotionally. I’d turned my back on everyone I cared about.
Jack and June had been like parents to me, and while my sister hadn’t lived with us at that time, I knew she still cared and worried. Hell, she still did.
I may not have died, but I might as well have. Maybe my choices had been even worse in some ways. Once Freddy was gone, there was no turning back. Nothing he or anyone else did would bring him back.
But me? I made the choice to disappear and stay away every single day.
I knew from Pack finances that they were still alive. I’d refused to check in on them beyond that, and I highly doubted they would ever want to see me again. That too had been on me.
And that was also why I understood where Noah was coming from. The little two were just following their big brother, but he was making the wrong decisions by running away. It didn’t make things better, it just made them lonelier.
Sure, after years of being alone it wasn’t easy having three young boys invading my space, but I was managing. They mostly kept to themselves. I just fed and watered them, not much different than any of the other animals on my farm.
But we all knew I was only doing it for Vanessa. Even if everything in my head told me to push her away or run far in the opposite direction, my heart screamed to pull her closer to me.
This ebb and flow of emotions was exhausting.
If only she’d heeded my warning the first time and stayed the hell away.
As if just thinking of her somehow manifested her, I heard the car pull up and then stop in the driveway.
“That’s them. Be nice, Gertrude.”
As I walked around the house, the first thing I heard was Mason running his damn mouth again. I bit back a grin and shook my head. That boy didn’t seem to ever shut up. He should have at least come with an off switch or something.
“Ms. Vanessa let me help serve lunch today,” Cam told them.
“I appreciated the help,” she assured him.
I rounded the corner just in time to see him beam up at her with pride.
These were good kids. They’d just been dealt a shitty hand and needed someone to love them and care for them the way all the others had failed to do.
Instead of stepping up to be that person, I cleared my throat and barked orders at them.
“You have chores to do. Drop your things in the house and let’s go.”
“But we have homework,” Mason protested.
“Don’t matter. We’ll get to that later. We promised Mr. Isaac, remember? We have to earn our keep like men. Let’s go,” Noah told them.
It nearly broke my heart. They were just kids.
I pulled him aside as Vanessa took the younger two inside. She hadn’t even said a word to me, but I didn’t miss just how exhausted she looked.
“You don’t have to earn your keep. You know that, right?”
“Of course I do. Or at least it’s as you said, we need to work to pay off the stuff we stole from you. It’s the right thing to do, especially given you’re letting us stay here and all.”
He was being stubborn and putting up a good front, but it was easy to see just how much he appreciated that.
“Alright. Is that the only shoes you have?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Come meet the animals today. Tomorrow after school we’ll go and buy you some proper muck boots for farmwork. I don’t want you messing up your good shoes.”
“It’s okay. I can do it. Besides, they aren’t good shoes, just the only ones I got.”
“What do you mean?”
He pulled the sole of one shoe back and showed me how it was no longer attached. There were holes in it too.
They deserved better.
“Tomorrow we’ll head down the mountain into town and get you some good shoes and some work boots. If you plan on sticking around here for more than a few days, then you’re going to need them.”
I took him around back and pointed out each animal, telling him it’s name. I even gave him a few tricks to tell some of them apart. He asked a lot of valid questions about things I wouldn’t have thought to mention.
When the littler ones came out, Noah immediately dove in and told them everyone’s name.
“What about this one?” he asked.
I grinned. “That’s Gertrude. She’s something special.”
“Your favorite?” Mason asked
“Shh. What’s wrong with you? You can’t go around saying shit like that. What will the others think?”
I winked at him and let Noah resume explaining everything we’d gone over. While I snuck off to check on Vanessa.
She was fast asleep on my couch when I found her.
I grabbed a blanket from my room and wrapped it around her, wishing I could just scoop her up in my arms and carry her to my bed. It was just because I knew she’d be more comfortable, I told myself. But in my heart, I knew it was so much more.
“Mr. Isaac,” Mason yelled through the house.
I turned and scowled at him.
“Shh! Vanessa’s sleeping. And you can drop the formality. Just call me Isaac.”
“Really?”
“Really. Now what did you need?”
“Cam’s hungry. Are we gonna get dinner?”
“That depends. Are you willing to help cook it?”
His eyes widened. “You want me to help?”
“I do.”
“Okay,” he said excitedly.