Chapter 23
Geneva
Iwoke late into the night, the soothing sound of his slow breathing next to me a reassuring note in the dark.
I laid there and stared at the ceiling, playing the day’s events over in my mind. The vision of them stirred something within me, a conflicted, paradoxical, borderline insane maelstrom of emotions and needs I couldn’t hope to untangle.
I wasn’t the girl I’d been before walking into Rick Trafford’s office.
But who was I now?
On the one hand, in his arms I had never felt happier. It was both a comfort and a safe harbor, his embrace protecting me from anything that could possibly cause me harm.
But I couldn’t shake the sense that there was something going on under the surface with us, that I didn’t yet see the full reality of what surrendering to Rick actually meant for me.
I needed him, in every sense of that word—and yet I was unaccountably uneasy at being too vulnerable, the very prospect of intimacy with the man still so mysterious to me, both a pull I couldn’t resist, and a red flag as obvious as the dawn.
Too bad you’re not renowned for paying attention to red flags.
I knew we were at some sort of crossroads, a point in our relationship where things could go so much deeper… or careen fatally sideways, out of all hope of recovery.
If you were smart, you’d leave. You know this is doomed. Why do you stay?
It didn’t matter how many times I asked the question. The answer was always the same.
Because I had to stay. I needed him, even if getting what I needed meant flying too close to the sun.
There was something between us, something profound. Maybe even unique. It wasn’t just that we were so very different. It wasn’t just the mismatch in our ages and life experience—though those were both vexing, and a source of stirring, twisted arousal I was still in the process of figuring out.
No, what most worried me was the melancholy I saw in his eyes, from time to time, like a memory momentarily darkening the brilliant glow of his spirit.
It had become familiar to me, that passing shadow. Was it the same doubts and fears I had? What if it was regret? That might be the very worst.
I forced myself to banish that possibility from my mind. The pain would be too terrible if it actually proved to be what truly worried him.
But there was something else too—and it gave me hope. When he looked at me, I still saw that need… and perhaps even a part of him opening itself to me that he’d kept long closed to anyone else.
Or maybe you’re just a stupid girl trying to wish something into being that isn’t really there.
I was committed to seeing where it went, though. For good or ill. Even if I ended up regretting it. I had no choice but to see if we had a future.
And though the doubt lurked ever present in the dark shadows of my soul, I trusted him.
I didn’t know why… but I trusted Rick Trafford with… everything.