Chapter 28
If only it had just been one night.
That was the problem with applying your mind to a tangled dilemma like ours. It had no solution. I kept hoping it’d peep out from a dusty corner of my brain as I tossed and turned, but it was eerily silent.
James had made no headway, either, when I saw him at the festival Thursday. All it took was a subtle grimace to let me know.
It seemed the festival was only getting more crowded as the weekend approached, though, so we kept busy all day and then, true to our word, parted ways that evening like two kids condemned to sit in separate corners and think about what we’d done wrong.
That was the thing, though—what was wrong about it? James was a good man. His mom had told me so. Archer had told me so.
More importantly, I knew it.
So, my Thursday night turned into less of a brainstorming-solutions night and more of a shaking-my-fist-at-an-unjust-world night.
Equally unproductive for the problem at hand.
Friday, we had a break in business for the parade in the morning. Despite wanting to watch with James, I went in search of my family.
Mia was wearing Moana pajamas, sitting on Ryan’s lap in a camp chair, while Lily sat beside them, her hand on her rounding belly.
They hadn’t caught sight of me yet, and I slowed to observe them for a few seconds.
Mia had a powdered donut in hand—most of the powder was on her face—but she turned to “offer” it to her dad, smashing it unceremoniously into his closed mouth. A trickle of powder dropped onto his Polo shirt, and Mia giggled.
Ryan and Lily shared a look, then laughed as Ryan opened his mouth to receive the offering.
My heart twisted.
Because I loved my brother.
Because I was jealous of what he had.
Everything seemed to have worked out for him. Would it for me?
I pushed aside the thoughts and walked up to them.
“Can I sit with you guys?” I asked, my stomach tight with nerves.
All three turned to look at me, and two of them broke into smiles.
Mia jumped off her dad’s lap and ran into my legs. “You can have Daddy’s chair, and I’ll sit on your lap.”
“I’m fine on the curb,” I said.
“It’s okay.” Ryan got up. “I’m going to go find some coffee.”
“You already had coffee, Daddy. See?” She indicated an empty cup in the camp chair holder.
Ryan picked it up. “Daddy needs another one. You want anything, babe?”
“I’m good, but thanks.” Lily gave him a look that lasted half a second too long. Like the one they’d shared after Mia’s powdered donut, this one was full of some sort of shared understanding—or, in this case, a silent communication only they could fully understand.
But I was pretty sure it had to do with me.
Why did things have to be so complicated?
Mia set aside her mostly eaten donut, choosing the curb as its final resting spot, and expressed a desire for another one.
Lily gave her some magnetic tiles instead, then with a smile at me, she patted the seat Ryan had given up.
I took it with a suppressed sigh and asked how she was doing.
“My blood pressure was a little higher than my OB liked at my last appointment,” she said, “but she gave me some tips for that, and baby looks healthy.” She ran a hand along the curve of her belly. “What about you?”
“I’m…busy.” That was the best I could do. Lily wasn’t exactly the right person to talk to about what was going on.
“How are things with the maple farm?” The way she looked at me made it obvious she was asking about something more specific.
“It’s been good,” I said, my voice a bit higher than usual. “It’s been a nice challenge for me to come up with the product ideas.”
“We still need to try them.”
“Oh, I can just bring you some.” That felt less dangerous than having them stop by the farm booth.
I hated that. Hated that I was having to navigate this impossible maze of emotions—mine, James’s, Ryan’s, Lily’s, Mia’s.
There was a short silence as I picked up one of the tiles that had collapsed from Mia’s princess castle.
“How is James?” Lily asked, her voice sounding almost too casual.
“He’s good,” I said. “Also busy.”
“I bet. You see a lot of him, I imagine.”
See, feel, taste. “Yeah, I guess.”
If Lily had failed at sounding offhand with her question, I’d crashed and burned sounding offhand with my response.
Lily’s watchful expression made that clear.
“Look!” Mia pointed. “It’s him! It’s Mr. James!”
Our heads followed the direction of her pointing.
Sure enough, James and May were on the opposite side of the street.
“Hi, Mr. James!” Mia yelled, waving.
Eyes wide, I couldn’t help looking around to see if Ryan was near enough to hear.
James smiled and waved back, and so did May.
But James’s eyes were on Lily.
I glanced at her, and sure enough, hers were on him.
A sustained exchange that I didn’t know what to do with.
It reminded me of the glances between Lily and Ryan.
My stomach twisted and soured as Edna G.’s words came to my mind about James still being in love with Lily.
The parade began, and our view of James and May became sporadic.
Mia was thrilled with the horses and the marching band and the fall-themed floats.
I hardly noticed the parade. I was too preoccupied with the one in my own mind: a despondency float, complete with deflated balloons dragging on the ground, followed by the resentment float, full of angry dancers futilely punching and kicking the air.
These floats didn’t throw candy at the crowds like the one on Main Street; they chucked discouragement and uncertainty.
When I spotted Ryan walking back—no coffee in hand—I hopped out of his seat like someone had turned a burner on high underneath.
“Sit,” he said. “I’m good to stand.”
And stand he did, right behind Lily’s chair, his hands on her shoulders, which he massaged gently. I couldn’t help wondering if he’d clocked James opposite us on the street and if his kind massage also held a subliminal message: she’s mine.
After the parade, I returned to the Keller booth.
The novelty of selling outside of the actual shop was starting to wear off, but there was a steady enough stream of visitors to keep me busy.
I couldn’t help but notice all the people who passed by with my products in hand, and every time they did, it made me smile—a bright spot amidst my sad mind parade.
Dom showed up later in the day and handed me the keys to my car. “She’s running like a champ again. I’ll be in and out tonight, so I figured I’d give you these so you can pick her up whenever. Oh, and if you see Reese there, don’t mind her. She’s living in my yard.”
“Um…okay.” I laughed at the random warning, then let out a sigh of relief. “You’re a saint, Dominic. How much do I owe you?”
“Bah”—he waved a hand—“tell James to give me one of those blondies I’ve been hearing about, and we’ll call it even.”
“Absolutely not. I mean, the blondie, yes. As payment? No. I’m paying you in actual money.
” I clasped my hands and put them in front of him.
“Please don’t make me do the awkward thing where I have to guess what the market rate is and then lose sleep wondering if I stiffed you.
Then it’ll get awkward between us, and you’ll never want to work on my car again and—”
“Okay, okay,” he said, amused. “Settle down. Gimme a hundred fifty, then. I’m no mechanic, so market rates don’t apply. Can I still get that blondie?” He walked backwards, waiting for my reply.
“Of course. Just tell James I said to give you one. He won’t challenge you; he’ll be too happy to have his truck back. I’ll Venmo you!”
He waved over his shoulder.
The day finally wound down, and I was grateful there was just one left in the festival.
Granted, it was the biggest day. In crowds and events.
The big barn raising was tomorrow—the future event center for the community.
Once the structure was up, there would be dancing and celebrating to truly close out the week.
James beat me closing down his booth and came over, hands in his pockets.
“Did you…?” I asked, unable to mask my hope.
He shook his head. “You?”
I shook my head, trying not to feel flooded with disappointment. “Are you free to take me to Dom’s to pick up my car?” I held up the two pairs of keys—mine and James’s—then tossed him his.
He caught them deftly. “Of course.”
We walked in silence to the truck—I’d had to park far away thanks to the street closure. My brain was reviewing the day, and more particularly, the moments at the parade.
I wanted to bring it up, but what would I say?
Hey, James. What was that super-secret stare you and Lily shared at the parade?
I just felt…tired. Tired and upset that all of this was so impossible. Why did James have to go and kiss Lily? That choice had created all of this—Ryan’s pain, James’s departure from Autumn Ridge, our knotty situation, my worries about his persisting feelings for Lily.
Maybe I was mad at the wrong thing, though.
If James weren’t so totally and completely lovable, his return to Autumn Ridge wouldn’t have led to this predicament. I would’ve continued in my blissful post-James era instead of wallowing in this desperate need for him.
Which still made it his fault, technically.
Stupid perfect James.
When we reached Dom’s, we got out of the truck, and I headed straight for my car, a lump in my throat.
James jogged and cut me off. “Hey. Are you okay?”
I nodded because I couldn’t get a word out.
He didn’t believe me. I could see it in his eyes. “What are you going to do now?”
“I need to bake for tomorrow. So…sugar shack.”
“I’ll help.”
I hesitated. It was so nice of him—as usual—but I was a giant bundle of confused feelings. It would’ve been so much easier if he hadn’t been so thoughtful.
“See you there,” he said, getting into his truck before I could protest.
But he waited to make sure my car started fine.
And for some reason, I stewed over that for the entire drive to the maple farm.
He was so considerate and good, yet our relationship was being defined and determined by the one inconsiderate thing he’d ever done. This would all be so much easier if his big mistake had been shoplifting or holding up a bank—or if he wasn’t so impossible to hate.
I parked the car and took in a big breath before getting out. I needed to get it together. I had a bunch of cream puffs and blondies to make. I couldn’t afford to have my brain in la-la-land, or I’d end up adding too much flour or forgetting baking powder or something.
Baking was therapeutic, and I definitely needed therapy right now.
James had to pop inside to tell his mom something, so I walked to the sugar shack on my own, forcing my thoughts to the recipes.
I knew them like the back of my hand at this point, though, so when James came in, closed the door behind him, and rolled up his sleeves, it wasn’t a plea for help measuring out flour that came out of my lips.
“Do you still have feelings for Lily?”
James had been tying his apron, but he froze. “What?”
“C’mon, James,” I said, my knees starting to shake.
“It’s not a crazy question. The Ednas had a full conversation about it in earshot of me the other day.
And I’ve noticed… something between the two of you.
Call me fragile or precious or whatever, but even if there’s a way for us to handle this situation we’re in, I can’t—” I swallowed and took a breath.
“This is hard enough as it is. You being in love with Lily just…isn’t a complication I’m willing to deal with.
So, just tell me truthfully. Do you still have feelings for her? ”
I was secretly impressed with myself for the calm in my question, especially given that the answer had the power to ruin me.
The way James was hesitating didn’t bode well, though. Not at all.
My stomach started to fold in on itself, and I looked away, blowing out a breath and putting a distracted hand to my messy bun.
I couldn’t believe this was happening—or that I hadn’t even considered James might still be in love with Lily.
He’d left Autumn Ridge after losing her.
It didn’t seem like a huge jump to assume that had been from heartbreak.
“Okay. Okay. That’s fine,” I tried to convince myself. “Better to know now than—”
“No.”
I looked at him. “No what?”
“No, I don’t still have feelings for Lily.” The words were so firm.
I didn’t say anything back. I was working too hard to keep my hope smothered.
James stayed quiet too, holding my gaze.
“Then am I crazy?” I said. “Have I just been imagining these…moments between you?” My brain reviewed them quickly—at the stables, at the parade. “No. It’s not just how you look at her. It’s how she looks at you. But I know she loves my brother, so...”
James closed his eyes as he scrubbed a hand over his stubble.
It was a reaction I didn’t understand.
“Sadie…if I tell you this, you’ve got to promise you’ll keep it between us.”
Eyes wide and alert, I nodded, every nerve in my body on end like a dog’s hackles.
“I’m serious,” he said. “You cannot tell anyone what I’m about to tell you.”
“I swear.” The words came out like a solemn whisper.
He looked away. “I haven’t told anyone this. I promised myself I never would.”
“James, you’re scaring me.”
He met my gaze again.
I’d never seen him so serious.
“I’m dying here,” I said. “Please just put me out of my misery.”
He took in a long breath, and my entire body seemed to tip toward him as I waited.
“I didn’t kiss Lily,” he said. “She kissed me.”