Chapter 17
He told me he doesn’t deserve love. I don’t understand what he could have possibly done to make himself so sure.
He’s not the nicest man I’ve ever known.
He is rough and sometimes feral. But he is the most interesting.
He is kind, I believe, even though he doesn’t smile easily.
I see more in him than he sees in himself.
It was Sunday, so there was no practice, and West thought it might be a good idea to take Cassidy to get a Christmas tree.
“I think this place needs a Christmas tree,” he said, going from the living room into the kitchen, where Cassidy was standing holding a cup of coffee, wearing nothing but one of his T-shirts. He felt the impact of her square to his chest. And his groin. Really, he felt the impact of her everywhere.
He had never had a woman in his home, not like this. But he wasn’t even fully moved in, and it felt like playing house. They were together until Christmas, because he had said so. Because … because.
Because he wasn’t supposed to have feelings for Cassidy Wilder. He wasn’t supposed to have feelings for anyone, really.
That acknowledgment sent a streak of adrenaline through his veins, and half of him liked it—the thrill-seeking part—while the other half recoiled in horror. He decided to push it all to the side. Now he wanted a Christmas tree in the living room, and nothing else would do.
“I’ve got plenty of trees on the property, so we don’t have to go get a tag to cut one down. But we will have to drive into town to get lights and ornaments.”
Cassidy’s eyes brightened. “Do I get to choose them?”
“I don’t know. That just depends on whether I want your Florida spin on Christmas.”
She laughed. “Pink flamingos everywhere.”
He felt compelled to stride across the room and take her in his arms. Hold her. She had been so vulnerable last night, so unlike the way Cassidy was normally.
He did not cross the room, though. Because if he did that, if he took her into his arms, it was just going to end up with her flat on her back again, because he couldn’t keep his hands off her. That was the reason he wasn’t hugging her.
They decided against stopping up at her place—he had no desire to get the third degree from her brothers; this was temporary, so it wasn’t worth it for either of them. Instead, she borrowed one of his coats, and a hat and a pair of gloves.
They trundled down into town first, stopping at the hardware store, which did have Christmas lights, and then moving on to one of the nicer boutiques in town, which had ornaments for a pretty penny.
But something compelled him to spend that pretty penny on every ornament that made Cassidy’s eyes light up. As if he was showing her that he could, in fact, take care of anyone he wanted to. Could take care of her.
Watch me spend outrageous sums of money on blown glass shaped like woodland creatures. I am a provider.
Or maybe he was pathetic. One of the two.
He wondered what the West Hancock of five months ago would think if he could see the West he was now.
He barely recognized himself.
“Oh my gosh,” Cassidy said as soon as they walked out of the store. “That was probably a little over the top.”
“Not at all. It’s my first Christmas tree.”
“It is?”
“Well, yeah, because at home, my mom always gets the Christmas tree, and it has to be done exactly the way she wants it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, she has her ornaments, and it all has to go on in a certain order, because if it doesn’t, it bothers her. She’s not being difficult. She can’t help it.”
He felt protectiveness warring with aggravation. It was always like that with his parents.
“Well, just because somebody can’t help it doesn’t mean it isn’t difficult.”
Right there, she’d said exactly what he always felt. “Yeah,” he said. “That’s for sure.”
“I never had a Christmas tree until I came to Rustler Mountain. So, whatever Florida Christmas is supposed to look like, I don’t really know. To me, it’s just a barren apartment and Christmas lights on some palm trees outside.”
“Do you ever miss the warmth?”
She shook her head. “Everything about Florida reminds me of how difficult things were there. Everything. So I can’t even look back on the beaches with nostalgia.
It’s not like she took me to the beach anyway.
I think I went one time with a classmate for a birthday party.
But that kind of thing was so rare. And I bounced around to so many different schools, I didn’t really make friends. ”
“At least she enrolled you in school.”
“I think she forgot once and there was a truancy officer who came? She never wanted police or anyone like that visiting.”
“CPS never came to check on you?”
Cassidy shook her head. “No. That was actually the scariest thing that could’ve happened. That’s why I never complained. I got myself ready for school every day, and I made sure to go. I knew my mom. I didn’t want to bounce around to people I didn’t know.”
“And then she dropped you off with strangers.”
“At least they were my family. If I had ended up in the system, I have no idea if I ever would’ve come to Rustler Mountain. I don’t actually know if they would’ve sent me here because my dad was dead, and I don’t think the authorities would’ve sent me to live with my teenage brothers.”
“I don’t suppose.”
“Let’s stop and get some cider,” Cassidy said. “Oh, I can bake you cookies. I’m actually really terrible at baking. But I’m trying. And I’ve been wanting to make cookies.”
“That’s not a ringing endorsement,” he said.
“True. Maybe we should buy them.”
“No. You should make them for me. Sorry. I was just teasing you.”
She smiled, happily, and he pulled up to the grocery store and parked.
They got out, and he got a cart for her.
He had an out-of-body sensation as they walked into the store and toward the dairy.
He had never been in a grocery store with a woman before.
He wondered if this was what marriage was like.
But hell, it didn’t matter. It wasn’t for him.
Cassidy was extraordinary. In ways he hadn’t even realized when he had first met her.
He wondered if her loneliness was what he had seen, what had caused his visceral response to her.
He wondered if that was why he had felt so drawn to her.
He couldn’t quite explain it, but there were answers in her to the emptiness inside him.
Yet he didn’t want to be a burden to her. Not after everything she had been through.
They collected all their baking supplies, and the supplies to make hot cider. He had to buy a crockpot, because he didn’t think he had one, and then the two of them drove back up to his place with all their purchases.
Cassidy bundled up in his clothes—everything was overlarge on her—and they started hiking up through the forested part of his property.
It didn’t take long for them to find the first dusting of snow, and then finally, some deeper patches.
The pine trees looked as if they had been coated in powdered sugar.
“A little bit like a snow globe,” West said.
Cassidy looked at him, something shining in her eyes. “Yeah. A little bit.”
She had her safe snow globe, but she wasn’t altogether happy with it.
He had certainly never felt that he lived in a snow globe.
There had been no floating. His life was a chaotic, screaming disaster.
Always trying to do the right thing, but never quite on top of what that was.
Trying to stay in school, failing, trying to stay out of trouble, failing.
Using all the positive energy he had to try to keep the family afloat.
Right now, he wanted that snow globe feeling. Up here, in this new life that he hadn’t started yet, he could play house for a little while. Pretend with her that everything was good.
Yeah. Just for a little bit.
“Oh, I like this one,” Cassidy said, touching a branch on a particularly round pine.
“That is like fourteen feet tall, Cassidy.”
She shrugged. “You have really tall ceilings.”
“I do,” he said. “But we have to get it back.”
“Well, you should get one that’s thirteen feet tall, then.”
“Look at you, making demands on my strength and my time.”
“Are you saying that you’re too weak?”
“Oh, sweetheart, don’t challenge me.”
“Why, because you’ll fall for it?”
“Remember, Cassidy Wilder, I’m the boss of you. You’re not the boss of me.”
“I’m not trying to be bossy,” she said. “I’m just pleading. I want the big pretty tree. Please?”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” he said, examining the massive tree. “Okay. But you have to hold the end.”
“Just the tip?”
“I swear to God, girl,” he said, grumbling as he evaluated the situation.
“Okay,” he said. “You stand behind me, stay clear of this monster.” He began to chop at the base of the tree, and Cassidy moved away from him slightly, standing off to the side. “What are you doing?”
“I’m enjoying the view.”
She took her phone out of her pocket.
“Are you filming me?”
“For posterity,” she said. “You look really hot chopping wood.”
“That is very weird,” he said.
“Trust me,” she said, “it’s not. There’s a guy online who has millions of followers. Women just watching him split wood while he talks.”
“I’m working too fucking hard,” he muttered.
“How sad for you,” she said cheerfully.
The tree groaned and began to tilt. He moved to the side, and cut from the other direction, until it fell with a crash that echoed in the silence of the mountains around them.
“There you go. There’s your super-tall tree.”
Cassidy clapped. “Great.”
He picked up the end, put it under his arm, and began to drag it back down the hill. He stopped. “Why don’t you just hold my ax? And I’ll get the whole tree.”
“My hero,” she said.