Chapter 18
He’s a murderer. A wanted man. What does it mean that I can’t change my feelings for him?
Rehearsals for the show went much more smoothly than she could have anticipated, and even better than that, when they finished, they went back to West’s house and made love. And sometimes sat in front of the fire, near the Christmas tree. And then had sex there too.
It was supposed to be a fling, but it didn’t feel like that.
It also didn’t feel secure. It didn’t feel certain. She had no idea what the end would be.
He had said that it wasn’t going anywhere. She had said that was what she wanted.
She wasn’t quite sure what to do with her changing feelings about the situation. About him.
She had only known him—really known him—for a few weeks. But she felt she knew him better than she knew anyone else. He definitely knew her better than anyone else did.
He had helped her know herself better.
She hadn’t anticipated actually being excited about the performance either. Yet another surprise among many she’d had recently.
But she was excited.
Of course, she couldn’t put that red outfit on without thinking of the first time West had taken it off her.
Still, the excitement that filled her when she waited backstage for the first show to start was different from the adrenaline she usually felt when she put the costume on.
Her phone buzzed on the dressing room table, and she picked it up.
We are all here.
Austin had texted her, along with the world’s most awkward selfie of her entire family standing at the entrance to the Wild West Show.
Dalton was there too.
She smiled.
Two months ago, she would never have imagined that she would be here.
Two months ago, she had been so certain that the best gift she could receive was Dalton.
It turned out that the best gift was the space to take risks. To get to know herself. To be a new, braver version of Cassidy.
And yes, there was a man involved, but it wasn’t about being with somebody else to make herself feel safe.
She no longer felt compelled to do the right thing, to keep herself in step with her family. She felt secure. Not like she was just floating in a snow globe. Something had actually changed in her. For the first time.
She sent a selfie from backstage, grinning. With the bright red dress and the bright red makeup, she barely looked like herself.
West really liked the lipstick. She had taken a lot of joy in leaving it all over his skin just the other night.
She scampered out from backstage and nearly ran into him in the entryway.
“Hi,” she said.
“You look excited.”
There were other performers moving around them, chatting and smiling.
“I am. This is fun.”
“I’m glad you’re having fun. This is probably the last time I’ll ever do this.”
“You don’t even think you’ll do it for Christmas?”
“No. I’m kind of feeling done with it.”
“Oh.”
“Why?”
“Only because … I would be kind of interested in continuing.”
“Would you?”
“Yes. I would.”
He paused for a moment. “Well. Maybe then I could be enticed back. For Christmas.”
They were supposed to be done with each other by Christmas. But that didn’t feel like a good thing now. It didn’t feel like a way to manage her expectations, because seeing the end just ahead couldn’t change the feelings inside of her.
“Well. I guess we should go … backstage. My whole family is here.”
“Yeah. I think it’s a pretty full house. From what I understand, we practically sold out.”
“Wow. It is kind of an amazing thing your parents built.”
“It is,” he said. “They really did something. Everything they could, actually.”
There was a greatness to his words, and she knew why. Because she knew him.
When they took their positions in the riding chutes, she could see the audience. Could see everybody in the crowd. When the music began, her adrenaline spiked even more. She had never considered herself a performer, but she was definitely charged up by the atmosphere.
West’s father strode into the center of the arena, and the cheers were deafening. The music was bright, and his monologue was the best she had ever heard it.
Then, the first act went out into the arena.
It all went by so much faster than it did in rehearsal. The next thing she knew, it was time for her and West to go.
They were more in sync than they had ever been. Everything was perfect.
It felt as if it was only the two of them, in perfect harmony, the way they moved together, the way he touched her.
It felt like glory, and like something she couldn’t even define.
When West put his hands on her, she felt more secure than she had ever been.
When he put his hands on her hips, she felt held close for the first time.
Yes, she had been looking for safety with Dalton, but she had thought that safety had to come at the expense of passion.
It didn’t. She felt quite certain then that it didn’t.
Their portion of the show ended, and they waited for the grand finale. West moved close to her, taking hold of her hand. “Great job.”
“You too.”
He smiled at her, and her heart felt like it grew wings. They didn’t say anything more; they just watched the rest, concealed in the shoot, holding hands. As if they had nowhere else to be, and didn’t have an audience just beyond the bars of the gate.
Then they both got on West’s horse and made their triumphant final turn around the arena. The applause was loud and punctuated by whistles, the cheers a confirmation of something. Of home. Of this feeling of being right. Of being where she ought to be.
William Hancock got up on the platform in the middle of the arena and addressed the crowd. “Feel free to stick around, play games, try the obstacle course. Buy food from the food trucks, and most of all, have a merry old time. We’ll see you next time, at Butch Hancock’s Wild West Show.”
The applause was deafening. And she didn’t even think about it when West dismounted and lifted her off, his hands on her waist. She leaned in and pressed her forehead to his chest for a moment before stepping back.
She looked up at him, and she felt her face grow hot.
He grinned down her as if her embarrassment was cute to him.
They went backstage, and after she got dressed again in her jeans and her shirt, she lingered, hoping that West would find her. When he didn’t, she could no longer ignore the text from her family.
She went out to the arena, then walked through to the entry. Everyone was there, smiling and laughing, generally looking as if they were having a great time.
“Cassidy,” Flynn said, reaching out and pulling her into a hug, then picking her up and swirling her around. “You were amazing.”
“Thank you,” she said, laughing as he set her down.
“I’m not blowing smoke up your ass. It was great.”
Cassidy wrinkled her nose. “Thanks?”
“You are such a pro,” Jessie Jane said, grinning broadly.
Those words meant the most to her. Because Jessie Jane really knew her stuff. And Cassidy felt all aglow over Jessie’s approval.
Her niece was grinning and flapping her baby arms, and Cassidy smiled and took her out of Austin’s arms. “Hi, Emma,” she said. “Was I great?”
Emma responded by blowing a spit bubble.
“That’s high praise,” Millie confirmed.
“I thought so,” Cassidy said.
“Glad to confirm it.”
Carson took his cowboy hat off his head and put it onto Cassidy’s. “You are a regular cowpoke,” he said.
“Well, thank you. High praise indeed.”
Her family turned, and she followed their gaze to where West was standing, on the periphery of the crowd. Then he closed the distance between them, coming to stand by her side.
She knew her face must’ve turned ten shades of pink.
“Thanks for coming,” West said.
“Yeah,” Flynn answered, keeping his gaze steady on West.
Dalton didn’t say anything, but he was watching the two of them.
“Thanks again,” West said. “This is a regular Wilder/Hancock lovefest.”
“Don’t go that far,” Austin said.
Everyone else laughed, but Austin didn’t.
Cassidy jabbed her brother in the ribs. “Oh, be nice,” she said.
“I am nice,” he said.
He didn’t elaborate.
“I’m going to put the horses away.” West leaned in momentarily, as if he’d forgotten where he was, as if he was going to kiss her. But then he didn’t. He stopped, backed up.
But she had a feeling that everyone had seen. Still, she gave him a wave. “So, did you guys eat yet?”
“No,” Carson said. “We might go grab some burgers. You want some?”
“Yeah,” she said.
As the pack of them headed off toward the burger truck, Dalton lingered behind.
“Was that my competition?”
Her eyes flew open wide, and her heart slammed against her breastbone.
“No, it’s not a competition.”
“But there’s something going on with him, right?”
“Maybe. I mean, yes. But nothing serious.”
“He was looking at you pretty serious.”
“Are you going to try to tell me you’re jealous now?”
“No. I’m not. Though I could tell that he was interested in you back at The Watering Hole last month.”
“Really?”
“Yes. And I felt protective. I thought maybe it was my job to step in and …”
“Is that part of why you agreed to Flynn’s matchmaking?”
“Part of it. I feel protective of you, Cassidy.”
“Thanks. But I don’t need protecting.”
“I know you don’t. But you just should know that people care. They care a hell of a lot. Whatever happens, you always have that.”
Those simple words impacted her more than she would’ve thought.
Because she would’ve said that she was secure.
But part of her just wasn’t. Part of her was always waiting to see if she would get dropped off at the top of a mountain.
Whatever happened, she had her family. She had Dalton.
She had tried to shoehorn him into a role he didn’t belong in because she had wanted that feeling of security so badly.
Had wanted it so much that she had been willing to cut herself off from a whole host of experiences.
But she didn’t have to do that. Here she was, walking and talking with Dalton.
After they’d made an awkward attempt at something.
After he had found out about her and West. Nothing had fallen apart. Nothing was broken.