23. Kinsley
23
KINSLEY
“ S o, what is going on between you and Nash?”
My head snaps up at the sound of Sadie’s voice. I blink rapidly at her from across the table while she smiles at me, a knowing look in her eyes. Matt looks between us and shrugs his shoulders as if to say leave me out of this .
Swallowing hard, I force a smile on my lips, acting as cool as a cucumber. “What do you mean?”
“I mean,” she says, twirling her pointer finger in the air at me, “I recognize a woman lost in thought about a man when I see one. Now spill, Kin.”
“Jesus, Sadie,” Matt groans from beside her, shaking his head. “This isn’t appropriate lunch conversation.” Now that he’s all caught up on the whole fake relationship situation, he doesn’t want to hear all the nitty gritty details like Sadie.
Sadie simply leans back in her chair with a look of victory on her face. I know for a fact she doesn’t care we’re sitting in the middle of a restaurant with multiple ears just waiting to hear me drop some gossip. The wandering eyes of the patrons around us don’t go unnoticed by me, but I’ve learned to ignore them.
Right now though… yeah, it’s a little hard to ignore when the topic is about Nash.
A blush creeps up my throat and I have to bite my lip to halt the smile threatening to take over my face. “Shit, is it really that obvious?”
Sadie’s face lights up with joy as she points a manicured finger at me. “I fucking knew it! You sneaky little bitch. When and how did this happen? I need to know every detail.”
“Gross, Sade,” Matt says and shoves a mouthful of salad into his mouth, chewing slowly. He meets my gaze from across the table and offers an apologetic smile.
We both know what Sadie is like, so this isn’t anything out of the ordinary for her.
I blow out a long breath and shrug. “I don’t know what else to say other than it just happened.” I leave out the detail of me going to Nash’s house and dragging his ass into the shower because I thought he was overdosing, and the kiss we shared after the Dark Angel concert two nights ago. As much as Sadie would want to know those details, I can’t share everything with her, especially since Nash is a somewhat private man. “It’s not going to happen again, though.”
Sadie rolls her eyes playfully. “You’re such a liar, Kin. I can see it written all over your face. You’re smitten with Nash Beck.”
I hate how easily she can read my expression, even when I’m trying my best to hide my true feelings from her. As my best friend, she knows me better than I know myself.
“It can’t happen again, Sadie.” Leaning back in the chair, I sigh. I use my fork to push the remainder of the chicken breast around the plate, no longer hungry. “This was never part of the contract, and I don’t want it to be the reason this fake relationship doesn’t work out. The last thing I need is for all of this to blow up in my face and it all be for nothing.”
“How would it blow up?” Sadie questions. “What are you afraid will happen? You fall in love with a man who you care for and treats you well? I know you’re cautious about men, but don’t let that get in the way of your happiness.” She shrugs a shoulder casually and picks up her fork, stabbing the prongs into a piece of medium-rare steak. “You deserve more than a life of caution and fear of love, Kin.”
I swallow hard as her words sink deep into the center of my bones, leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Although she is right, I don’t want to believe her.
Am I truly capable of allowing myself the happiness and pleasure of letting a man get close enough to me? One I am growing to no longer loathe?
If I were to give into my desire for Nash and allow myself that moment of happiness, I don’t know if I could handle the burn on my heart the moment the contract expires and he slips back to the depths of Hell where he came from.
Then what? I would look like a fool in the end—a reminder that Nash Beck isn’t capable of giving his heart to one person. I worry his dependence on drugs and alcohol will win out in the end, trapping him in an endless cycle of sleeping with random women to fill whatever void has been left in his heart.
I fear I won’t be enough for him.
I don’t know if that’s a risk I’m willing to take for happiness when I’m rather content with my life at the moment.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do.” I blow out a long breath, confusion and frustration tainting my heart. As someone who always knows what they want, not being in control over the situation with Nash and whatever it is I’m feeling for him is a foreign sensation to me. “Hooking up is not part of the deal, so Nash and I need to respect that. Besides, dating Nash for real wouldn’t work out.”
“Why not?” Sadie sounds just as confused as I feel.
“Because…” I lick my dry lips, trying to find the right words to describe what I’m feeling. “Nash is clearly a damaged man. What makes you think I’m the right person for him?”
Sadie shakes her head. “People like Nash are still capable of loving others. I know it may not seem like it now, but surely, somewhere deep inside of him, he cares about you.”
I think back to last week when I raced over to Nash’s house. The need to offer this broken man some support was strong because I know what it’s like to feel as though you don’t have anybody in your darkest times. And when I found him slumped over the side of the bed, fear coursing through my veins thinking he had overdosed on something, I realized that unless Nash actively seeks help for whatever it is that haunts him at night, then this man will never change.
It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to be saved, so why should I kid myself into thinking I could be his savior when he doesn’t want me to be?
“Two wrongs don’t make a right, Sade,” I mutter.
She turns her attention to Matt who is quietly eating his lunch, his eyes focused on the plate of food in front of him. Strands of dirty blonde hair frame his face, unable to be contained by the hair tie keeping his hair pulled back in a pony tail.
Sadie nudges her elbow into his ribs, earning a low groan from him. When his gaze meets her, she turns on the charm. “Matt, please help me out here.”
Matt clears his throat and lowers his fork onto his plate. “Sade, you can’t force this on Kin. If she and Nash are meant to be together for real then it’ll happen, okay?”
Realizing that Matt isn’t going to help her in this situation, Sadie huffs and folds her arms over the white knitted sweater hugging her torso. “Fine. But when it does happen, and it will, I will take great pleasure in saying I told you so .”
Thankfully, Matt steers the conversation in the direction of his restaurant and the recent celebrities who have dined there. I appreciate his attempt at taking the spotlight off me.
For the rest of lunch, we engage in casual conversation, falling into our old habits of talking and laughing at a volume far too loud for a four-star restaurant.
When we make a move to leave, Matt insists on handling the bill, despite Sadie and I’s protest. He tells us to handle the bill next time we catch up for lunch, and we both agree. There is no use arguing with a stubborn man like Matt in a situation like this.
“This has been so much fun,” Sadie says as we step outside onto the sidewalk. She flips her curly hair over her shoulder with a flick of her chin. We stand against the side of the building, out of the way of the pedestrians rushing by. “Let’s make sure we don’t go weeks without seeing each other again, okay? I miss you both.”
The afternoon sun beams down on us, warming my skin through the light brown sweater covering my arms. Spring has truly settled in now because the leaves on the trees lining the street have finally grown back and the air no longer holds a chill to it anymore.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a large poster hanging on the building beside us. Nash’s mismatched eyes stare ahead, as does the rest of the band.
No matter where I go, I’m reminded of him.
Matt rests his hand on Sadie’s shoulder and smiles down at her. “I promise it won’t be this long again. Besides, I want regular updates on Kin’s new man.” He wiggles his brows at me suggestively, and I roll mine in response.
God, they still act like teenagers sometimes.
“Come on, we’re not going to do this again?—”
“Are you Kinsley May?”
My body stiffens at the woman’s high-pitched voice behind me. Matt and Sadie’s eyes widen with confusion as they glance past me at whoever is standing there. I’m used to fans approaching me on the street to ask for an autograph, but there is something about this woman’s tone that sets me on edge.
A cold shiver races down my spine as I slowly spin on my heels. As my eyes clash with a pair of fiery chocolate brown ones, I take in the woman standing before me, who can’t be much younger than twenty-one. She has youthful features and strawberry-blonde hair as long as the Nile River, but I don’t miss the scowl turning down her brows or the stiffness in her thin shoulders.
“Yes, I am,” I say, putting on a fake smile and cheerful tone.
The woman looks me up and down, her scowl deepening as she folds her arms over her chest. It is only then I notice the mismatched eyes staring back at me from the center of her white T-shirt. An image of Dark Angel is printed onto the fabric, possibly from a recent tour because the members don’t look any different.
Realization dawns on me, making my spine stiffen.
This woman is a fan of Dark Angel, which means this interaction could go one of two ways. And I’m hoping for my sake this interaction doesn’t go badly.
“You’re much uglier in person.”
Well, that felt like a hard punch to my stomach.
“I’m sorry?” I try to ignore Matt and Sadie’s eyes burning into the back of my head and focus on the woman in front of me. “Is there something I can do for you?”
“Yeah, you can stay away from Nash. You don’t deserve him,” she sneers, her voice dripping with so much venom I feel it seeping into my skin with each syllable. “He’s too good for a wannabe like you. If you were smart, you would realize that he’s better off without you.”
All I can do is stare at this woman as she reaches into my chest, grabs my beating heart with her bare hand, and rips it out from its nest, making sure to stomp on it with the heel of her white sneakers.
I’ve heard worse words come from worse people, but fuck me that was cruel and uncalled for.
I had prepared myself for such interactions when I signed the contract, but I was hoping I would never have to deal with a fan like this in person. And now here I am, standing in the middle of the street in downtown Los Angeles with my best friends watching on as I get torn to shreds by a Dark Angel fan.
What has my life become?
No one will ever want you, Kinnie. Not when I’m done with you.
“Hey, don’t talk to her like that,” Sadie says from behind me, trying to defend my honor.
I appreciate the sentiment, but I have no doubt it’ll only make this situation worse.
And I was right.
Despite the turmoil in my mind, I can’t help but think about the paps watching from the bushes across the street. I don’t need to see them to know they’re there. I’ve come to learn they will always be wherever I am, even if they don’t make themselves known.
If they were to snap a photo of this moment, Sadie red-faced and talking back to a Dark Angel fan, the paps would run with it. They will do anything for a good story, and I refuse to give them one.
I have Nash’s reputation to think about, as well as my own.
The woman sneers and shoots Sadie a death glare from over my shoulder. “Well, maybe you should tell your ugly friend here to take the hint and leave Nash alone. She’s a shit actress who has zero talent or personality. Nash’s life would be much better without you in.”
Without me, you would be a nobody, Kin. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have what you do. I made you.
Time moves in slow motion as I blink back the tears forming in the corner of my eyes. I silently turn to my best friends and tell them I’ll call them soon before I race down the street in the opposite direction, dodging pedestrians as they walk toward me.
A stray tear slides down my cheek as the fan’s words repeat in my mind, along with the harsh whispers of the demons occupying part of my mind, stabbing my heart more forcefully each time.
You’re a shit actress with zero talent or personality.
You’re uglier in person.
I made you, Kinnie.
Stay away from Nash, you don’t deserve him.
Nash’s life would be better without you in it.
I understand she doesn’t want me to date her favorite singer, but for her to attack my character? Now that was hurtful.
But I can’t help but wonder if she’s right. If the world were to find out about my past, no one would be able to look at me the same. They would say worse things, I’m sure. If anyone were to ever find out…
It makes me nauseous thinking about it.
The interaction only serves as a reminder that whatever is going on between Nash and I cannot go any further than it already has. Not only do we have our own shit to deal with, but adding his crazy fans to the mix would be too much for me to handle.
Nash Beck can only ever be my fake boyfriend, and I need to remind myself of that until the contract expires. If I don’t stop this now, it’ll only make things harder for me down the line. The realization leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, which confuses me even more.