Chapter 9
AMELIE
PLAYLIST: HEAVENS SIRENS — DAVID KUSHNER
My feet follow no direction through the concrete jungle. It’s the nightly rush hour, with endless lights illuminating the otherwise grey streets, transforming them into an ocean of red and yellow.
The skyscrapers left and right make me feel claustrophobic, as if they’re closing in on what I already feel.
I don’t know what I am doing. Why did I wait? Why did I sign? Why did I kiss her?
I kissed her. My professor. Who knows nothing and yet everything about me.
I don’t rumble, don’t overthink. But since her, I do. Since her and El.
El.
How can I eat pussy and kiss another woman in one day?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I thought I felt lost all those years in London, but now, I feel even more lost. Lost between two roles I took on, while all I wanted was to be me.
Jane was right. I can’t hold the feeling of discomfort.
I have to run, far away, and burn down the world behind me. Just like I did when I left London and Sophie behind. And now, I maneuvered myself into something I won’t get out of without hurting myself and everyone involved.
I walk up the stairs to the Highline.
El said she doesn’t care who I hook up with, says a voice within me.
But I care.
I care too much.
About El.
About Jane.
I feel.
I feel something.
For the one who hates feelings.
And the one I am not allowed to feel anything for.
After promising myself to never feel anything for anyone ever again.
How could everything become so royally fucked up?
Somewhere between the houses on the old subway track, so beautifully restored and greened into this calm space above the buzzing city life, I sit on a bench.
Right this moment, I’d give anything to talk to Sophie. While she was my job, she was also a friend. A friend who always had the right things to say. Always positive. Always with a solution at hand.
A dreadful sensation hollows my chest.
I just hope she is alright. I had to vanish. Wasn’t allowed to look back. But leaving a person behind who you spent years with growing up, even if it was pretend, a job, it was my life. She was years of my life. And I loved her. I loved her.
A tear fights its way down my cheek, and I wipe it away angrily. I can’t fall apart like this.
“What would she say?” I ask myself. “She’d tell you to see the good in the bad. She’d tell you there's a reason things happen. She’d tell you to trust your path and be honest with yourself.”
Honest. With myself. While everything is a lie.
‘Well, you stop. And then you act differently,’ I hear Sophie saying in my mind. It’s exactly what she’d say, with her big heart, believing in the good in people, believing in redemption.
A weak smile hushes over my face, and I close my eyes as I remember the last time I saw her. It was when she turned and laughed because she walked in the wrong direction.
And then I let the sting in my chest go, open my eyes, and get up.
I act differently.
That’s what I can do.
One step at a time.
When I reach my studio, I find it’s empty.
Relief spreads through me.
I don’t turn on any lights; there’s enough light coming in through the massive windows from the neighboring buildings' lights and the city's overall night glow.
I get a box of cereal, sit on the couch, and eat it straight out of the box in the half-dark.
I sit there and eat. No thoughts. Just being.
The door opens as El comes home.
Home.
She is drunk and crying as she sits opposite me on the couch.
“What happened?” I ask.
She bites her lips as more tears run down her cheeks. Apparently, this day sucks for everyone.
She doesn’t say anything, so I just hold the cereal box over to her, and she takes a handful.
For a long while, I simply listen to the crunchy sounds of the cereal being crushed by our teeth.
“You wanna dance it out?” I ask after a while.
She doesn’t answer immediately.
“How about we fuck it out?” she finally says, and starts brushing over my chin with her foot. I stare at her. I’m not really in the mood for sex. But it might get my mind off all the things.
“Sure,” I say, sit up and lean over to place the cereal box on the floor. On my way back, I grasp both her legs and pull her close. She’s a lightweight with her 120 pounds; I can lift her with one arm. So when I pull, she falls flat on the couch with her legs spread over my lap and around me.
“That was hell of a move,” she says, giggling over her tears, as she leans on her forearms and pushes up her upper body. Her mascara is smeared underneath her eyes from the crying, her cheeks slightly pink.
I wander with my hands over her naked thighs and push up her skirt.
She wears no underwear.
“Where did your panties go?” I ask, “You put some on this morning.”
“Got lost,” she said, and I can only imagine what happened.
“Was it bad?”
“I couldn’t—“ she begins, breaks off, sits up, mumbles, “Whatever, doesn’t matter,” and kisses me. “Let’s just fuck.”
“Okay,” I whisper against her lips between two kisses.
She slings her arms around my neck, and we kiss. And kiss. We kiss for what could be hours with our hands caressing over our bodies. With every kiss, the dreadful sensation in my body vanishes a bit more, until I am just here. With her. No past. No present.
“I got something new, wanna try it out?” she asks.
“Sure,” I say. And she gets up to get something from the bedroom.
She comes back with a strap-on, but not just any strap-on. It has one dildo in the front and two smaller ones inside for the one who straps inside.
I raise an eyebrow.
“What do you say?” she asks, laughing. “I thought it would be fun.”
“Are you strapping in this time?” I ask her.
“Thought so, yes. Just gotta figure out the logistics.”
The logistics are anything but easy, and we both have to giggle as we try to put it on.
“Get on your knees,” I say at some point. “I’ll put those two in, and then you put on the harness.”
She chuckles and kneels on all fours as I spit down into her rim.
I slide through it with my fingers to spread the saliva, and I massage her butthole for a moment with my thumb while I enter her pussy with two fingers. She moans slightly.
I do so until she starts rolling her hips, remove my fingers, then I push in the anal dildo. She gasps. And the one for the pussy follows.
“You like that, huh?” I ask her.
“Uh-huh,” she says. And because she does, instead of slipping on the harness, I start fucking her with the two dildos from behind. I feel my own desire burning as I watch them enter her in the rhythmic movements.
I fasten the movement with the one in her pussy until she moans loudly.
“Spank your pussy,” I say. I don’t even know where these words came from. It’s the first time I step into a more dominant role, and I have to acknowledge that I fucking love it.
She spanks her pussy with one hand, and it’s the one thing that pushes her over the edge.
She groans, bends, arches, and then a shudder runs through her. I stop moving and let her ride it out.
“That was fucking sickkk,” she says, and I laugh.
I want to remove the dildos, but she says, “No, no, no. Your turn.”
So she takes the harness, and I fumble with the soft end of the dildos through the harness’s holes and close it around her hips. It’s a very awkward moment with a lot of giggling on both ends, but then she’s all set up.
“Lose your clothes she says as she pulls up her dress, and it lands on the floor.
I do as said, and while I do, El lies down on the floor, her dress crumpled up as a pillow.
“Sit,” she says and points at the dildo standing high.
“Not wasting any time, are we?” I ask with a chuckle.
“I am so turned on right now, I want to see you come.”
I grin widely as I climb over her on all fours, spit on the dildo, lean in on her to kiss her, and then I sit upright on the dildo.
It’s not the smallest and has a particularly thick head. It takes me a moment to get it in. She watches me the entire time, desire pouring from her eyes.
When it’s finally wet enough, it slides all the way in, and my core burns.
“Holy shit,” I say.
“Move,” she orders me. “Fuck yourself.”
She rests her arms behind her head and just watches as I ride her. Slower at first, but the thick head hits that very arousing spot deep within me, and I fasten my movement.
My legs start shaking from the immense power it takes.
The moment they do, she grasps my hips and guides me to properly sit down on her. The dildo is so deep in me that I gasp and fall slightly forward for a moment. She guides my hips into a rolling movement, and the sensation in me is so intense that a loud moan escapes me.
I close my eyes and let my head fall back to experience the sensation building in me.
Waves of desire start building in me, it takes just a little bit more—
In front of my inner eye appears an image, followed by a fluttery sensation, as I kiss Jane again.
A wave of relief spreads through me as the orgasm comes.
I gasp out and fall forward onto my arms.
My eyes meet El’s, who looks at me with shimmering eyes and a heated smirk on her face.
I kiss her. And while I do, I feel Jane’s touch on my skin. The way her lips felt. The way she tasted.
What the fuck am I doing here?
I roll onto the floor next to El.
She looks at me, and I at her.
Rain pelts down the studio’s metal roof. The sound it causes is a beautiful white noise that enchants the mind into a state of peace.
We lie there for a long time. Just looking at each other.
It feels so real.
But how can it be real if I play a role?
“I kissed the professor today,” I say in a whisper, without looking at her.
“I’m falling for you,” she answers.
My mind isn’t really processing, so we lie there, staring into the darkness, so close, and yet apart.