Chapter 27
AMELIE
PLAYLIST: GIVE ME LOVE – ED SHEERAN
Iwatched Jane sleep for a long time after she fell asleep on the floor. She looks so peaceful. So calming.
And I don’t want to leave her.
I don’t want to hurt her.
But I have to kill him.
I have to.
Even if it means that I will break Jane’s trust.
I have to do this for El because otherwise, I will never be able to let go of all the guilt I carry with me.
I place a kiss on her forehead.
Get up.
Dress myself.
Grab my backpack.
Grab my jacket.
Get a blanket and cover her with it.
My hand is on the door handle.
I turn.
For one last look.
Warmth radiates through me.
My stomach clenches because of it.
I can’t feel this right now.
I can’t—
I have to do this for El—
But I can’t move.
I fight with myself.
But I am unable to leave her.
Unable to betray her.
Unable to do it.
I sink to the ground with my back against the door, draw my legs up, and dig my face into them as I hug my legs.
I sit there and cry.
I cry until morning comes and the sunlight illuminates the apartment in a gleeful way.
I am exhausted when Jane moves.
She sits up.
I look up.
She looks at me. Sees my backpack next to me. Sees I’m dressed.
“I couldn’t go,” I say, sobbing with wet cheeks. “I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave you, and it scares the fuck out of me. It scares me how much I care about you. It scares me how much I love you.”
She smiles.
Takes the blanket.
Warps it around her.
Moves closer.
Sits just close enough so she can place her hand on my arm.
“I know,” she says.
I cry.
She leans against my legs, not saying a word.
She just sits there until my sobs die.
I take a deep breath in.
She sits back up straight.
“Tell me your brother’s name,” she says.
My brain takes a moment to comprehend.
I can’t—
I never use it—
“What was his name?” she asks.
My mouth opens, but I can’t bring myself to say it.
“Say it,” she says.
I shake my head, sobs reappearing, breathing flattening.
My chest tightens.
I am running out of air.
“Say it,” she says again.
I scream out in a cry.
I feel backed into a corner.
I can’t breathe.
“Say it,” she says, grasping my face. She’s not letting it go.
“SIMON!” I scream at her. “HIS NAME WAS SIMON!”
And the moment I say it, heaviness falls from me.
I breathe in deep.
Air fills my lungs.
“Simon,” she says. “You loved Simon. Simon died. You loved El. El died. You are scared to love, because you are scared that everyone you love dies.”
“Yes,” I say, and tears that would fill an entire sea stream down my face.
“Yes,” she whispers and pulls my legs straight. I let her. reluctantly. She pulls away my protection.
She takes my hand.
Places it on her chest.
“Feel this?” she asks. “I am here. I am alive. I am not going anywhere.”
I feel her heart beating under my touch.
“And one day, you might not,” I say, “just like them.”
“And why would you deny yourself all the happiness in the world until then by living your life as if it already happened?” she asks, smiling at me.
I don’t have an answer to her question. Her. The woman I love. I don’t know if I will ever be without pain again. I don’t know if I will ever smile again, but I know that I love her.
I love her.
And while I do love her, I cannot say it.
The words won’t come over my lips.
“I am so broken,” I say. “I might never be enough to hold the love you deserve.”
“You are not broken,” she says. “You are grieving.”
“I am not just grieving,” I say, my voice shaking.
“There is this void in my, and whenever I close my eyes, it drags me into the darkness with it. I have to fight all the time. I fight to breathe. I fight to get up. Fight to exist. Fight to not get lost in my own darkness. I don’t want to fight anymore. I can’t—“
“I hear you,” she says. “I really do. But you have to keep fighting. Because one day, you will wake up, you will look out of an open window, a light breeze caressing your skin, and you will fall in love with life again. You will feel something other than pain, you will feel excitement, you will feel joy, you will feel happiness. Until then, you push through.”
She smiles weakly.
“Okay,” I say.
“Okay,” she says.
And we just sit there.
Together.
I am not alone.
I am not alone.