Epilogue #3
Who I betrayed on orders of my father.
My father, who killed my mother.
Tears flood down my cheeks.
I wipe them away with my elbow, not letting go of the phone on my chest, and my gaze falls onto the drawer by the door.
The Porsche’s keys lie on it.
I look at them.
And I know what to do.
I grab them.
Run downstairs.
Open the car I haven’t used since the day El and I were in the Hamptons.
I sit down in the driver’s seat.
Her smell trails into my nose.
I cry.
And cry.
Unable to stop.
I look at the phone again.
I smile and cry at the same time.
The only real photo that exists of me.
Taken in a moment where I was myself.
Because that’s what she made me feel.
Like myself.
She made me feel myself.
She helped me figure out who I am.
Like steered by an external force, I slide up the screen with shaking hands. Enter El’s pin.
I want to see her.
I need to see her.
I open the Photos app.
There’s only one video on.
I hold my breath as I click on it with my trembling finger.
“Hi Amy,” El says, beaming into the camera with smiling eyes. Uncontrollable sobs escape me as I see her.
“I’m standing here at the most beautiful sunsets we have on this planet.” She turns the phone only to show the sun dipping the green Island of Hawaii with the blue ocean into the most stunning palette of colors.
She turns the phone back.
“It is one of the only places I can smile, like really, genuinely smile. I would have loved to be standing here with you one day, showing you who I really am. But I couldn’t.
I took her, though,” she says and holds up the stuffed turtle I got her when I was in Florida.
I cry. I cry as she rips out my heart, just to hold it in the gentlest ways there are.
“I know you will cry, but don’t. Wait, no,” and she laughs her rich laughter.
“Cry. I want you to cry all the tears. Cry. Cry them all. And then, you get back up. You get back up, because I chose this, Amy. I chose this. For once in my life, I chose what I wanted. I chose myself. I chose this moment. I chose to leave when I was the happiest. And that is what I want you to remember. Me laughing. Me loving you. Me looking at you, knowing that you are the one person I will love through all of eternity.”
Tears roll down her cheeks now, too.
“I know you will hate me for doing it. For not telling you. But I couldn’t. Because you would’ve stopped me just by looking at me. I had to chose me. So please, hate me. You are allowed to. But I chose this. And you might think, what a selfish bitch,” El laughs in tears.
“You can call me whatever you want. I won’t care. I would do the very same by the way.” She laughs again. A heartfelt laugh that goes straight into my chest. A chest that bleeds open from all I feel right now.
“I love you, Amy. And because I love you, I can finally find peace. I found the one thing I ever hoped for while lying to myself. You made me see myself. You made me feel something. You made me strong. Strong enough to finally choose me. And I want to thank you with all my heart. I want to thank you for being my friend, my one, true friend, the only one I ever had. I want to thank you for the most epic orgasms. I want to thank you for protecting me. For holding me. For making me feel like at home and like myself again after everything was numb. I want to thank you for making me laugh. Not with my mouth, but my heart, my eyes, and my soul.”
She turns herself with the camera and falls into the green grass with it.
“We will meet again,” she says, and more uncontrollable sobs surface out of the depths of my aching soul.
“We will. I know you will doubt me, as always, you little non-believer, but I know we will. We were meant to meet, and we will meet again. And whenever you feel lost, you will come here, to Hawaii, you will touch this grass, grab Libby, and you will watch this sun set over the ocean,” she says and places the turtle next to her.
“You will know. I’ll be here, waiting for you.
The keys are in the Porsche. I left them for you, so you can find me whenever you need me.
It’s yours, by the way. I made sure of that. ”
Keys. Libby. Porsche. Mine.
I can’t cope with it.
“I love you,” she says. “Heads up, love. I’ll be watching over you.
So go, do the things you dreamed of. Go kiss her, be happy with her.
She loves you just as much as I do. And I am going to kick your ass through the entire universe if I don’t get to witness you walking down that damn aisle with her one day. ”
I have to laugh,
And cry.
Because today, she saw me.
She was with me.
And the fact that I got this today.
It’s like a gift.
A gift from heaven.
A gift from her.
My angel.
“Oh, and one last thing,” she says, with the most beautiful smile on her face, and warmth radiates over me. “You don’t need to find out who you are. You already know. You’re just too scared to say it out loud. Be bold. Be daring. Be you. Goodbye, my love. See you again.”
Playlist: See you again (feat. Charlie Puth) – Wiz Khalifa, Charlie Puth
The End