Chapter 20
TWENTY
LENNON
“I had these really great meetings with August’s boss.
” I spear a piece of salmon salad as I look across the table at Mom, who’s finally gotten a day off and asked me if I wanted to go out for lunch.
We picked a little café in one of the smaller towns that’s turned into a south suburb of Austin the past decade, not too far from the RV park.
I know Mom’s been feeling bad about not getting more time with me since everything blew up. Still, we haven’t exactly been close the last few years. So talking about work feels like the safest topic.
“So I’m going to expand next week to start working with four more artists, including Mack himself. That’s his boss’s name.”
“Oh honey, that’s wonderful.” Mom reaches for her mimosa with a heartfelt smile. “I always knew you would succeed at whatever you put your mind to. You were always so bright.”
I roll my eyes. “Please. I was a walking disaster most of my life.”
She sets her mimosa down before taking a sip. “Hey. That’s my daughter you’re talking about. And what do you mean? You shine at everything you try!”
My mouth gapes. Is that really how she sees me? “What do you mean? I was such an awkward tuna fish as a kid. I had the hardest time making friends, and then when I finally did, it was only because I made myself a people-pleasing doormat for people like Brianna and Jake to trample all over.”
“Oh honey.” She reaches her hand across the table and squeezes mine. “That’s not true. You were such a bright little spark. Always so curious. You were so sweet and caring with your kitties. Oh baby, don’t you see? The problems when you were a kid were all my fault.”
Her hand withdraws to cover her chest. “I was so bird-brained, bringing one lousy man into our lives after another and looking to them for stability instead of learning how to love myself and protect you better.”
I can’t help busting out laughing. “Mom, have you been watching TikTok again? Are you calling yourself a bird?”
“Former self.” Mom sits up straighter in her chair. “Those young ladies on TikTok really know what they’re talking about. I was too man-crazy and male-centered for too much of my life. I’m not proud to admit it.” Her brows furrow. “Because honey, I know it hurt you. And I’m sorry.”
Well damn. Now all of a sudden I’m swallowing back tears.
Mom’s been a lot of things in my life. Flighty but resilient. A damn hard worker. Yes, man-crazy.
But rarely self-reflective.
And I can’t remember the last time she said I’m sorry.
“Mom,” I say, swallowing hard. “Don’t make me cry in public.”
“It’s okay to cry. Emotions are good!” She raises her hands in a little mock-cheer, even as I see tears crest in her eyes.
“I just want you to know I mean it, baby. I’m so, so sorry I didn’t do better.
And I hope you know how fucking proud I am of you.
I’m shocked every day that such a brilliant, kind, fantastic little human came out of me. ”
Tears crest and fall down her cheeks as she says it and I can’t help hopping up out of my chair and hurrying around to her to lean over and squeeze her in a hug.
“I love you, Momma,” I whisper in her ear.
She hugs me back, hard, and I feel her body shake a little. “I’m the luckiest woman in the world to have you as a daughter.”
“Stop it!” I say, standing back up and swiping at the tears now running down my cheeks. “My mascara’s getting ruined. We’re making a scene.”
“So what?” Mom just hands me a napkin. “Here. We’ll fix it in the ladies’ later. Let’s not let this food get cold. Or my mimosa get too warm.” She wiggles her eyebrows at me, laughing through her tears.
And I think, if I have any sparkle in me at all, I got it from this beautiful woman. It’s a shame all we’ve let get between us over the years. It’s a gift to get to reconnect.
“What else are you learning on TikTok?” I ask as I finally get back to my bite of salmon.
“Well, how not to be a bird, for one. No more centering men in my life.” She swipes her hands dramatically in a no-more gesture over her plate.
I laugh. “How does Patrick feel about that?”
She shrugs, taking a bite of her shrimp alfredo. “He doesn’t say anything anymore. I moved out.”
“Mom!” I drop my fork. “Why didn’t you tell me? How long ago? Where are you living now?”
“I’m renting a spare RV from Rosa ’cause with the new management position, I can afford the $675 all on my own now, with an extra $100 to lease the RV. And be putting most of the rest of my paycheck away in a high-yield savings account. I’m not gonna be a spring chicken forever, you know.”
My mouth was already open to keep objecting to her usual pattern of flitting from here to there with no real plan, except—
This is the most planning I’ve ever heard my Mom doing. All without relying on a man.
She’s finally figuring things out for herself.
So I just nod my head and say, “Wow, Mom. That’s awesome. I’m really proud of you, too.”
Mom freezes and looks at me, eyes wide. “You are?”
I laugh, feeling all squishy inside because this is not the kind of conversation Mom and I usually have. We talk about everything except what’s important, then one or the other of us generally avoids picking up the phone for eight months at a time.
And now here we are saying the things.
“That means a lot, baby. Look at us, doing the hard shit! Okay, okay, tell me more about you.” She pops an eyebrow. “Raven says you barely spend the night at her place anymore.”
“Oh.” I grab my glass of water and take a long sip. Opening up and connecting with Mom is great, really great… so maybe she can help me figure out what the hell I’m doing with August, too?
“Yeah,” I breathe out, setting the heavy glass of ice water down. The cubes clink against the side of the glass.
“We’re having fun,” I say tentatively.
Mom breathes out and waves a hand like she’s relieved.
“Oh thank God. That’s the right idea. Keep it light.
I mean, you just got separated from Jake, right?
I always thought you never should have married the first boyfriend you ever had.
Maybe if you’d dated some more boys, you would’ve realized what a fucking prick he was.
I should’ve said something at the time. It’s another of my long list of regrets. ”
Wait, wait, wait, wait, WHAT?
She knew I was making a mistake, back then?
“So here I was just worried you were making the same mistake again. Have fun, sure, August’s gorgeous.
Everybody knows he’s the resident hottie.
But if you decide you’re in love with the very next man you meet right after getting free, I mean—” she chuckles like I’m in on the joke, “have you really learned anything at all?”