10. Ariana
10
ARIANA
Duke assures me he’s fine as we drive back to his cabin, but there’s a faraway look in his eyes, a distance that wasn’t there before. Worry settles in my gut, and when we finally sit down in his living room to eat our cherry pie, the sweetness turns to glue in my mouth.
Did I say something wrong?
Does he regret what happened between us?
Even Scout seems to notice Duke’s bad mood. She nuzzles her head against his leg, and I watch as he pats her absent-mindedly without looking down.
“I better get back to work on your bookcase,” he says after a strained silence falls between us.
He gets up from the table and finally, his eyes meet mine. It’s the first time he’s met my gaze since we left the bakery. He opens his mouth, about to say something, but seems to think better of it.
“Can I do anything to help with the bookcase?” I ask, my stomach sinking as Duke heads for the front door.
“No, it’s okay. Should only take another hour or two.” He hovers in the doorway, his back to me. “There are some of my dad’s old books in the bedroom if you want something to pass the time. Second door on the left.”
Then he heads to his workshop without asking me to join him.
Without looking back.
I stare numbly at the closed door, listening to the banging and grinding of wood as Duke gets to work.
Everything feels like it’s slipping away. Last night was the happiest night of my life, and now the man who took my virginity can’t even bear to look at me. Tears sting in my eyes, my throat clogging with emotion, and I suck in a deep breath, trying to calm myself.
I get up from the table and follow Duke’s instructions, heading for his bedroom. It smells like him. Sawdust and tree bark. I avoid looking at his bed, swallowing back a sob as I grab a book at random from the shelf and slam the door closed behind me. Back in the living room, I sit on the couch and try to read. It turns out the book I grabbed is Frankenstein, one of my favorites. But I can’t focus. The words swim in front of me as fat tears leak down my cheeks.
All my life, I’ve avoided getting too close. Years of bullying taught me that people are mean and you can’t trust anybody not to hurt you. But I lowered my guard with Duke. I opened up to him and showed him parts of me that nobody has ever seen before—physical and emotional. He seemed to understand me. And now, as I sit alone in his big cabin, I wonder if I got it all wrong.
Duke never promised me anything. He didn’t promise me his heart—just a bookcase. Was I stupid for expecting something more?
Yes, the nagging voice inside my head says.
You’re not the kind of girl men fall in love with, Ariana.
You’re the girl who gets laughed at. Bullied. Ridiculed.
The girl who gets asked to prom as a joke.
Suddenly, it feels like I’m back in eighth grade, listening to Ethan Caldwell’s laughter as it echoes around the hallway. And all I want to do is hide. Go home to my tiny apartment, escape into a book, and shut the real world out once more.
Anything to numb the ache in my chest.
“Thank you,” I say, trying to muster a smile.
We’re back in my apartment, and my finished bookcase is set against the wall of my bedroom. It’s a gorgeous dark brown, thick and solid, built to last. Duke did a beautiful job, and if my heart wasn’t crumbling right now, I’d be thrilled with the finished product.
“Glad you like it.”
Duke’s hands are buried deep in his pockets, and his frown deepens the scar between his eyebrows. We barely spoke back at his cabin. He was silent as he loaded the bookcase into the bed of his pickup, as if we didn’t make love beneath the stars in the very same place just twelve hours ago. Now, Duke is looking everywhere but me, and for a moment, my sadness disappears, replaced with a flash of anger.
I want to lift up my hands and grab his face, forcing him to look at me. I want to ask him what the heck is going on.
What’s happening? What changed? Why are you acting like this?!
But the truth is, I can’t bear to hear the answer, in case he looks right into my eyes and tells me he doesn’t want me—that this was all a mistake. I’m not brave enough to hear him say that. So I stay quiet.
“I better get going,” Duke says, fiddling with the bandage on his thumb.
I press my lips together and nod, my heart squeezing. “Okay. Thanks again for the bookcase.”
“You’re welcome, Ariana.”
The sound of my name in his gravelly voice makes my eyes sting, but I won’t let myself cry in front of him. Instead, I turn my back on him and head for the front door, opening it so he can leave. He ducks his head and crosses the threshold.
“See you later,” I say, even though I’m not sure I will. This all feels like a goodbye. A book slammed closed before we’ve even finished the first chapter.
Duke doesn’t reply, and I start to close the door when suddenly, his hand shoots out, his palm against the wood. He forces the door open again and ducks back inside my apartment, making a frustrated sound deep in his throat. Finally, he’s looking at me. His blue eyes are burning with emotion, making my pulse race.
What the heck is going on?
“I can’t do this,” Duke says.
Oh, God. I didn’t want to have to hear this. He’s going to tell me all the reasons he doesn’t want me. All the reasons we can never be together.
“I can’t leave you,” he continues, jaw clenched. “I can’t do it.”
My head spins. It’s not what I was expecting him to say, and I stare at him bewilderedly. “What are you talking about?”
“You deserve better than me, princess.” He shakes his head, eyes turning bloodshot. “I’m not good for you. I’m too old, too big, too ugly. People look at me like I’m a fucking brute, and hell, maybe I am.” After a morning of silence, his words are now streaming from him like water. “But worst of all, I’m a selfish asshole. Because I know you deserve more, and yet I can’t let you go.” He sucks in a deep breath. “I can’t do it, Ariana.”
Blood pounds in my ears as I stare up at him, my jaw hanging open. “I-I don’t understand. A minute ago you couldn’t even look at me, and now you’re saying you can’t let me go?”
He flinches, shame weighing on his face. “I’m sorry. Fuck, I know I messed things up. I thought that if I stopped all this now, you’d be better off.”
“Why would you think that?”
He runs a hand over his beard, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallows hard. “I saw how people looked at you. They were staring at you just for being with me, and I couldn’t fucking stand it. I felt like I was dragging you down, forcing you to deal with all the stares and whispers that come from being a giant with a face like mine.”
Something fierce flashes through me. “I don’t give a damn if people stare at us!” Hot tears stream down my face, but I ignore them. “I know all about being stared at, Duke. My whole life, I’ve tried to avoid attention because of my weight, making sure nobody has a reason to notice me. Fear has held me back for years, all because of what some idiots back in high school thought. But I’m not letting it ruin my future, too.” I cross my arms, glaring up at him through my tears. “If you’d taken the time to ask me how I felt before trying to make up my mind for me, I would have told you that.”
Duke stares at me, breathing hard. For a moment he doesn’t say anything, like he’s still processing my words.
“I’m sorry, Ariana,” he says eventually, taking a step toward me. “You’re right. It’s not my decision to make—it’s yours.” His brows knit together, his face crumpling like he’s in pain. “I’m sorry for hurting you. That’s the opposite of what I wanted.”
“You barely said a word to me this morning. You treated me like a stranger, wouldn’t look at me.” I sniff, drying my eyes with the back of my hand. “Of course it hurt. I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”
Duke lets out a shuddering sigh and closes the gap between us, pulling me into his arms. He holds me close, pressing a kiss on my head.
“I want you more than anything in the world,” he says, his voice muffled against me. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, Ariana.” His arms tighten around me, squeezing me. “You’re right. I was an asshole, and I hate myself for hurting you.” He pulls back to look at me, resting his hands on my shoulders. “It won’t happen again, princess. I swear.”
He looks so sincere that I half expect him to get on his knees and wring his hands together. And even though I’m mad at him for pushing me away, I believe he means every word he’s saying.
“I accept your apology…but I’m scared.” My lip is going to start bleeding soon if I keep anxiously biting on it like this. “What if we go out and get stared at some more? How do I know you won’t try to push me away again?”
Duke’s eyes pierce mine, full of fierce intensity as he says, “Because I’m in love with you, Ariana.” My heart smashes against my rib cage, sucking the breath from my lungs as he continues talking. “Now, I know I can’t live without you. And even though I still think you deserve better, there’s no way in hell I can let you go. I was an idiot to think I could.” He lifts a hand to my cheek, running his thumb across my skin. “You’re in my veins, princess. I’m fucking crazy about you, and if you give me a chance, I promise to make up for being a jerk this morning. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you mine. Anything.”
My throat burns at his words, but this time, the tears that fall are joyful.
I’m in love with you, Ariana.
You’re in my veins, princess.
I rise on my tiptoes and throw my arms around his neck, my heart soaring at the affection in his eyes. It’s like he’s staring deep into my soul, peering at all the rawest, ugliest parts of me and still wanting me anyway.
“I love you too, Duke.” It’s the first time I’ve said those words. They send a shiver through me, but I know the moment they leave my lips that they’re true. This man has captivated me from the moment we met, and I reach up to run my thumb across the scar on his cheek. “Everything about you. And I know it’s not easy for you to believe that. It’s hard for me to believe good things about myself too. But I love you just as you are. I wouldn’t change a thing.”
Duke might see himself as some kind of ugly brute, but in my eyes, he’s a dream come true. My happy ending. I love this wild giant and his handsome, scarred face. And if I’m capable of loving all the things he hates most about himself, maybe it goes both ways.
Maybe he’s capable of loving all my imperfections in return.
Maybe, one day, I can love them too.
“I feel the same, princess,” Duke says, smiling beneath his beard. “I love you just the way you are. You’re perfect, and I’m never letting you go.” He runs his hands through my hair, leaning down so that his mouth brushes my ear. “You’re my girl now, Ariana. Forever.”
Then he kisses me—a long, lingering kiss full of passion and promises—and butterflies explode in my chest as he lifts me into his arms, holding me tight. The world seems to spin, dancing around us as our mouths meet desperately, our hearts beating as one.
I smile against Duke’s lips, and when he pulls back to look at me, those deep blue eyes turning molten with love, I know that our story is only just beginning.