17. Sebastian #2
Ashley hesitates, but I push, not wanting to separate her from her crew again.
From the way my thoughts are bouncing around my head today, it’s better to be alone with my reflections instead of blurting them out again to the nearest person.
Plus, she’s going through some stuff with Laurel, and they need time to hang out without me.
We say goodbye, and I head toward the subway with too much on my mind.
I arrive at Mom’s around two-thirty and my sister Penelope shows up shortly after.
I roped her into coming because I need to tell Mom about my dad’s sudden parental overtures before something slips out by accident, and I hope Penny can diffuse any tension.
We agreed on this time to spare my mom feeling like she has to feed us, but of course she’s got something in the crockpot already. Best laid plans and all that.
It’s a nice day, finally starting to warm up, so we all go for a walk around the neighborhood, even though my body would prefer to be reclined after today’s run. I stifle a yawn as we round the corner of my mom’s street on the way back.
“Late night?” Penny asks, eyebrow raised.
“Nope, more like an early morning. I went running in midtown.”
“Wow, again! Please don’t start wearing neon tights and talking my ear off about chafing.”
“That seems oddly specific,” I say with a chuckle.
“I dated that marathoner, remember? She was super hot but the gels and the shoes and the early mornings were too much. Plus, in training season, she was always too tired and sore to do anything after her long runs.”
I try to exercise enough self-restraint not to make an off-color comment in front of my mother, so I catch her eye and mouth, “Sore, eh?” to watch her cringe.
“I even registered for a 5K in June, the Pride Run,” I add, to take the conversation away from my sister’s ex.
Ashley sent me the link last week. I signed up right away and dragged Seth along with me.
Ever since then, she’s been emailing me rainbow running gear and my targeted ads assume bright hues and sparkles are part of my aesthetic.
“That’s great!” Mom replies, patting me on the shoulder.
We’ve reached the porch now, so we head inside. By the time our coats and shoes are off, I assume the conversation is over.
I should have known not to get too comfortable. As soon as we’re in the living room, my mom goes to check on what is apparently a pot roast in the crockpot and do some other food preparations, and Penny pounces on me.
“Okay, spill. What in the world has got you running? It has to be a woman. What’s her name?”
“It’s not like that! Ashley dragged me along once, and I was embarrassed about how slow I was, so I had to keep training. I can almost keep up with everyone now.”
“Ashley, eh?” She stares expectantly at me like I’ve got a secret to spill, but I don’t.
Or at least I’m not going to tell my sister, of all people, that we’ve been sleeping together.
I may joke around with her sometimes, but an actual discussion of our sex lives?
I’d rather go back to the conversation about chafing.
“There’s nothing to say. I run with them once in a while. They’re nice people.”
She looks me in the eye. “Wait, so you have actual friends now? More than just Ashley and Seth?”
“I have friends,” I protest.
“Sure, sure,” she says, waving her hands. “But those are birthday drinks or might-get-an-invite-to-their-wedding friends. You don’t have, like, everyday friends. Oh wow, is a girlfriend next?”
“Don’t start, please,” I hiss. “If Mom hears you …”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. No one needs her to bring up Brianna again.” She makes a face.
“You know she’s one of the reasons I don’t date,” I say, shooting daggers at her. If Mom even hears her name, she’ll come in to rant about how I gave up on love. “If I could fuck that up so badly, I’m not cut out for relationships.”
Penny sighs dramatically and pats my knee.
“What’s that about?” I bite back the irritation at my sister’s condescension.
She huffs then pauses, listening to Mom crash around the kitchen.
“Sebastian, that relationship didn’t fail because of you.
It failed because she was jealous and controlling and couldn’t handle the fact that you are just a charming person and can’t hold it in.
She overreacted. She even gave me dirty looks for hugging you as though I was a threat somehow, even though I was still a teenager and I’m your sister. ”
That can’t be right. Penny was young at the time and probably remembers it wrong.
Brianna was great at first, outgoing and fun and easy-going.
That’s how she convinced me to take a chance with dating, saying it didn’t have to be a big deal.
Things with Ashley were still awkward a year after Dad’s wedding, but Brianna was different.
We weren’t friends, so there was no emotional baggage, no expectations. It was easy, until it wasn’t.
She never seemed jealous until we got serious, then all of a sudden she was constantly pointing out how much I talk to other women and how flirty it sounded.
But it was my fault. I’d gotten used to being on all the time, and I couldn’t turn it off.
I drove her crazy. When the fights started, they were ugly.
I tried to block out the yelling, the sobbing, her storming out after she caught me hugging my friend Nina at a party.
Nina’s grandmother was dying, but how could Brianna know that?
I shut down that train of thought. “It’s not her fault. That was on me.”
“Yeah, you’ve got a flirtatious manner, but it’s mostly that you have one of those personalities that charms people.” Penelope shakes her head, seemingly at my charisma. “It’s kind of disgusting, actually, but it’s who you are, and it was hard to see you stifle yourself for her.”
“She was just pointing it out, Pen. Obviously, I wasn’t very sensitive.
Mom always says relationships are about compromise.
Brianna’s a good person.” At least I think she is.
She blocked me after our last and biggest blowout when she screamed that she never wanted to see me again.
I’ve so far managed not to internet stalk her, even when I’m curious late at night after a few drinks.
“It isn’t compromising if you have to stop being yourself.
” Penny looks at me seriously for a moment.
“Sebastian, that relationship was toxic. The reason you couldn’t be what she wanted was because she wasn’t the right person for you.
If you don’t want to date, then don’t, but basing that decision on Brianna is like deciding to give up on running because you can’t go as fast as Usain Bolt. That’s a standard no one can win.”
I clear my throat. “Noted. Can we please talk about something else?” I don’t want to think about Brianna or reevaluate my past at this point. This might be how my sister sees me, but she was a teenager then, and she didn’t see how broken Brianna seemed after six months with me.
Penelope looks like she doesn’t want to drop it, but she raises her hands in defeat. “Let’s go help Mom. God knows what she’s up to in there.”
“She’s probably thrown together a four-course meal so we won’t have an excuse to leave before dinner.”
My sister leans over and gives me a side hug. “Who said I want to leave?”
Of course we stick around. My mom takes out the roast with several sides like she just had extra food lying around, and Penelope and I pretend to believe her.
I wait until the meal is half over to broach the subject of my father.
“So Dad’s been in touch recently,” I say while I help myself to more potatoes, hoping my appreciation of her cooking will balance the fallout.
Mom’s eyes narrow, but she doesn’t say anything.
“He’s planning a visit to see me and Sarah.”
Mom makes a noise that is halfway between a snort and a cough.
“It’s in a few weeks. He’s coming with his—”
“Don’t tell me,” Mom breaks in dryly, unable to hold back. “A new girlfriend?”
“Yeah, Aimee. She seems nice.” That’s the most I’m usually able to say about my father’s endless cycle of lady friends. There’s never a chance to get to know them beyond surface level before they exit stage left.
“Of course she is,” Mom huffs. “Every woman he dates is the most wonderful person he’s ever met, until he meets someone else.”