22. Ashley
TWENTY-TWO
ASHLEY
I get three steps out of the pub before realizing my umbrella is back at the table. It’s still pouring, but there’s no way in hell I’m going back in there. Half a block later, the tears come. I’m already soaked, so it’s hard to tell how much of my wet face is rain and how much is from crying.
I walk aimlessly along Yonge Street sobbing, avoiding glances from passers-by, which is easy because the downpour means everyone is trying to get wherever they’re going as quickly as possible.
My only thought besides self-recrimination is that I need Laurel. Her apartment is close by, so I text her that I’m coming over, then walk there without waiting for a response. I need her to be there, so I don’t think about her not being available.
I slip through her lobby doors behind a delivery person. On the way up to the seventeenth floor, I’m certain the DoorDash guy sharing the elevator is discomfited by my sniffling. I want to tell him that I’m not sick, but the elevator stops before I can open my mouth.
Pausing outside the apartment door for a moment, I try to pull myself together, then knock. I’ve still got a spare key—in the past I would have gone in without knocking if she knew I was coming—but it feels weird now that Cal lives here.
Laurel’s eyes widen at my soaked appearance.
She grabs a beach towel from the front closet as she ushers me in.
I give a small smile despite myself. Of course a person who runs outside in all kinds of weather would keep a towel by the door, just in case.
Cal waves from the sofa where he’s lounging in sweatpants and a Pink Floyd T-shirt.
“I don’t want to impose,” I mumble, overwhelmed with shame that I’ve shoved myself into their domestic bliss while I drip rain on their tiles. “I can go home.”
Laurel furrows her brow. “Ash, you aren’t imposing. You’re always welcome here. Cal can hide in the bedroom if you want to talk to me alone. Or the two of us can go into the bedroom for more privacy.”
An image of their new bed flits across my mind and I recall everything she told me about how they broke in their new furniture. “Let’s stay out here. I don’t think I want to hang out in your sex den.”
She snorts. “Bold of you to assume we only have sex in the bedroom.”
Cal turns bright red and mumbles something like “Was that necessary?” Then he gathers his computer and vanishes through the bedroom door.
Laurel pulls me onto the couch, still wrapped in a towel, and lets me lean on her shoulder while I cry.
The story comes out in bits and pieces. She doesn’t say I told you so, she just listens while I spill about how stupid I’ve been to get fooled again, and how now I’ve lost not only the person I love, but one of my oldest friends.
At some point, Cal emerges with dry clothes and whispers that he’s ordered two pizzas before disappearing back into the bedroom. He’s a keeper, that one.
“I didn’t realize you’d fallen so hard, Ash. I’m sorry he’s an idiot,” Laurel says after I’ve changed into a pair of leggings and a Toronto Raptors hoodie, then rejoined her on the couch. “You really love him?”
“I do.” I’ve finally stopped crying, but I can’t keep the hitch out of my voice. “I’m so stupid.”
“No, you’re not.” She pulls me into a hug. “He doesn’t deserve you. Then again, that’s a high bar.”
Worried I might start to cry again, I shake my head.
“Why didn’t you tell me all of this?” Her eyes are bright with empathy. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you to share this with.”
“I knew you didn’t approve of our arrangement, so that was part of it.
” I fiddle with a lock of my hair and look away.
I’m embarrassed to admit the rest. “Also, I didn’t want to tell you until it was official.
I felt silly, like a kid with a crush when you have a real relationship and real issues to navigate, not like me and Sebastian and our teenage drama. ”
“Ashley.” Laurel’s face falls. I didn’t mean to upset her too. What a mess I am today.
“Firstly, it’s not that I disapprove. I was wary because I didn’t want you to get hurt, but you don’t need me to greenlight your relationships.
” She squeezes my hand. “But secondly, your problems are as real as mine. Just because I’m in a serious relationship doesn’t mean I’m too busy for you and your love life now.
I never meant to make you feel that way, and I’m sorry. ”
Now we’re both crying. I reach out to hug her again. As easy as it would be to brush things off, it’s time to be honest about everything. “You were so focused on the move and Cal getting settled that I started to wonder if maybe you didn’t need me anymore, if I was in the way.”
“I’m so sorry.” Laurel strokes my damp hair as I lean on her shoulder. “I could tell things were weird, but I didn’t want to push so I waited it out. I should have tried harder.”
“I was afraid of bothering you,” I admit, “I should have talked to you and not been a brat, but instead I felt sorry for myself. I just miss spending time together.”
“It hasn’t been easy, trying to balance everything,” she says with a sigh.
“Once Cal and I got together, things happened so fast. Suddenly we were always together, and any time you add a person or anything extra into your life, you have less space for others. Then with the move, things got more intense. I’m not used to having someone else to think about all the time, and it’s been an adjustment. ”
I pull away to look straight at her. I realize that once again, I’ve assumed everything was smooth sailing for them. I never checked in about how she was dealing with all these life changes, and my face heats up with shame at the thought.
“You and I spent so much time together,” Laurel continues, leaning back on the couch cushion.
“Now our girls’ dinners and after-work drinks need more planning.
Sometimes I miss the spontaneity we had before.
I never wanted you to feel like I don’t need you or to make everything about me.
You can always come here if you need me. ”
“I know,” I say, and I mean it. “I’ll figure out my issues and we can talk about what works for us now that things have changed. Stevie told me I was pulling away for no reason and I should talk to you, but I didn’t listen.”
“You see!” Laurel replies triumphantly. “Stevie’s got a whole family with kids, and she still makes time for us and our ridiculous love drama.”
I scoff. “She doesn’t make time for it. She thrives on it. If I ever settle down, she’ll need to make new friends to keep her entertained. We should probably call her tonight or she’ll kill us before she puts a hit on Sebastian.”
We both laugh, and Laurel gets up from the couch. “If there was a time for an emergency bottle of wine, it is now,” she says archly. “The pizza will be here soon. Stay for dinner. Sleep on the couch if you want.”
I’m not going to sleep over, but even knowing it’s an option feels like a warm hug.
I’ve spent so much time here over the years, eating junk food and watching Hallmark movies while the world was heavy.
And even though it’s Cal and Laurel’s home now, it’s nice to feel like there’s still room for me here.
She comes back with a bottle of red and two glasses.
“What about Cal?” I ask with a laugh. “Doesn’t he get a glass?”
“He can get one himself. He’s got legs and hands. You know, he’s very good with his hands. The other day … Well, I shouldn’t go there.”
I shake my head, but I’m laughing. I guess we’re back to normal if she’s dropping that into the conversation. “Don’t let him hear you or he’ll blush.”
“Why am I going to blush?” Cal’s voice calls out from the bedroom doorway. “Wait, I probably don’t want to know.”
“You definitely don’t.” Laurel winks at me. “Is the pizza here?”
“I’m going down to get it now.”
He leans over and kisses the top of her head in a gesture that makes my heart ache for Sebastian, for what we’re both missing out on because he’s an idiot who can’t figure out his own heart.
I don’t believe for a minute that he doesn’t care or that his feelings are platonic.
I heard him that night. I’ve seen how he looks at me when he thinks I’m not paying attention.
The saddest thing isn’t losing out on the chance to be together, but that he’s missing out on so much because he’s too stubborn to get past his fear of relationships.
Despite the way this night started, it ends up being a nice evening.
We eat pizza, watch old sitcoms, and laugh a lot.
I sometimes forget that Cal isn’t just my best friend’s partner, but also my friend.
I love the quiet way he shows up not only for her, but for me as well.
At one point, Laurel and I facetime Stevie.
She’s appropriately empathetic, appalled, and enraged in turn, threatening to rope poor Andy into a road trip that may or may not involve castration and a shovel.
Later, Cal insists on driving me home and Laurel comes along for the short ride, getting out of the Jeep to pull me into a tight hug at my building door.
“Are you sure you’re okay? You can still come back and crash with us.”
“Laurel, I’m fine. I’ve weathered worse.”
She looks skeptical as she releases me. “Text me if you need help burying a body. For real.”
Cal shakes his head but says, “Any time, Ashley.”
“Thanks, you guys. You’re the best.” I squeeze her hand. “I think I’ll take a few days and go home to Waterloo. I need a change of scenery, but I’ll be in touch.”
I’m crying again as I head up the elevator, but I’m also feeling so lucky that other kinds of love exist in the world.
I call my mom to tell her I’ll be coming tomorrow and type out another Fuck you, Sebastian text before I go to bed—I manage to be mature enough not to send it.
As I close my eyes, I wish I could tell him how much of life he’s missing out on.
Email from Ashley Davis to Sebastian Rossi and Seth McKendrick:
Dear all,
Thank you for the opportunity to work with Single In The Six for the past several months.
I have enjoyed our collaboration. At present, due to personal circumstances, I am taking a hiatus from social media posting for an indeterminate time.
As per our contract, I will inform you if/when I am able to resume posting. Thank you for your understanding.
Ashley Davis / Miss Midtown
Miss Midtown Reel (with transcript)
Miss Midtown appears in her wig and sunglasses but with no pink lipstick, wearing a Fall Out Boy T-shirt. The song “Thnks Fr Th Mmrs” plays in the background.
“Hi everyone, Miss Midtown here.
“I hope you’re all well. I’m posting a short reel to let you know that this account is taking a hiatus for a while.
I’ve tried to be open on here about my love life; some of you maybe thought I was a little too open, but that’s social media for you.
[chuckles] However, I’m treading carefully here because this situation involves someone who is close to me, or I guess I should say who was close to me.
“You see, I put my heart out and told this person I had feelings for him, feelings I thought were mutual, but I was mistaken. So now I’ve lost both a friend and someone I thought was more than a friend.
“I’m sure one day soon I’ll be ready to get back on that horse and put myself out there again, but for now, I need a break from dating and social media. I hope you’ll understand. Take care of yourselves.”
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