11. Sadie #2
“You know you’re crazy.” I sip my coffee, thinking about what his lips would feel like on mine. “But I suppose we could have some fun.” I smile, and the girls get excited.
“We’re all going to be kissing someone at that party, and at least one of us is getting some action,” Cara tells us, and I agree. This might be the party we all get to have fun at.
***
Practice finishes at seven, and my body knows it. I pushed myself, maybe too much. But I need my routine to be the best I can make it.
The tiredness is killing me today. I can feel it in my joints, my back, and my neck.
God, I need a massage or a hot bath. Coach Pearce found every weakness I have and pressed on each one individually for two hours.
There’s only three weeks to regionals, and she's not being subtle about what that means.
The walk back to my dorm usually takes twelve minutes, but it feels longer than that tonight.
I close my apartment door behind me and stand in the hallway for a moment with my bag still on my shoulder, my eyes are closed and I let the silence press in around me like something physical.
The flowers are on the counter, and the scent lingers in my room.
I don't look at them. Walking to my bedroom, I drop my bag on the bed, kick my shoes off, and go straight to the bathroom.
The shower runs hot, hotter than it needs to be.
I stand under it until the ache in my shoulders starts to soften and the tension in my neck unknots.
The day dissolves into steam and drain water.
No thinking. That's the rule I have for showers after hard practice, no thinking, just the heat and the pressure and the gradual return of a body that feels like mine again.
I need to feel like the tiredness is leaving my body, but then I realize I still have to make dinner for myself, or I guess I can be a college student and just order something. I don’t want to do anything but sit on my bed and watch a TV show.
I step out, wrap the towel around myself, and reach for my phone off the vanity out of pure habit.
I want to make sure Dan hasn’t messaged me, because if I don’t reply to him within two hours he worries.
Two hours is the time frame he gives me because he said he knows roughly how long my practice will be before I get a break.
I have one notification.
Unknown number.
You have a delivery x.
I stare at it.
The bathroom is still warm, steam sitting in the air, the mirror fogged at the edges. My wet hair drips onto my shoulder. I read the message again in case I misread it the first time.
I didn't.
My thumb is still hovering over the screen as I walk out to the bedroom, and that’s when the second one comes in.
Unknown number.
Please wear more than the towel when you answer the door. I don't want to hurt anyone for looking at you.
The air goes out of the room.
Not figuratively. Literally. Someone knows I just got out of the shower.
The fear is there. I'm not going to pretend it isn't. It's sitting in my chest with real weight, the feeling of being watched without knowing the how, the where or the why.
But underneath it, threading through it in a way I don't know how to separate cleanly, is something else.
Something that responds to I don't want to hurt anyone for looking at you with a heat that has no business being there.
Someone is furious at the idea of another person seeing me like this.
That should alarm me more than it does.
I look around my bedroom and see my laptop is open. The screen is blank, but it’s open. Can someone still look at me through the camera if the computer is in sleep mode?
I get dressed in my tank top and shorts, and just as I finish, there’s a knock on the door. I open it.
The hallway is empty. I look around and don’t see anyone.
I can’t help but smile when I see what’s on the floor.
A brown paper bag from Rosie's. My favorite place, the one which is two streets off campus that makes the best pasta, that I've been going to since the second week of term. It’s the one I've never mentioned to anyone on this campus except in passing.
Beside it, sits a coffee cup. It’s still warm when I pick it up and take a sip. It’s from Grounds, and it’s the coffee I always order, oat milk, one sugar.
My phone buzzes in my hand.
Unknown number.
Eat before it gets cold. You push yourself too hard and then you don't eat enough. I need my girl to have energy.
I should call someone. Juno. Campus security. Someone, but instead I pick up the bag and take it inside.
Locking the door behind me, I sit on the couch and open the pasta.
My hands are steady when they should be shaking, but they're not. It’s crazy that without even thinking about anything I start eating the pasta and take a sip of my coffee.
Not once thinking, has the person drugged it?
No, I’m eating as though a friend, or a boyfriend has got me food.
As I eat my pasta, I grab my phone.
Sadie
Who are you?
The three dots appear immediately. Disappear. Appear again.
Unknown number.
Someone who pays attention.
My thumbs move before I can stop them.
Sadie
How do you know what I order? How did you know I just got out of the shower?
The three dots appear instantly.
Unknown number.