17. Sadie #2
I pull back enough to look at his face. "Do you fight?" He doesn't look like someone who has bruises, or broken bones from fighting. But at the same time, he does, he looks like he has a mysterious side to him.
He reaches across and pulls my laptop closer to him, turning it slightly.
"Explain this photograph to me," he says.
And that's the end of that conversation. I explain my images to him, hoping he will open up a little more. This mysterious side of him only makes him sexier.
***
Practice runs twenty minutes over, I’m not sure if coach is annoyed with us, or because she wants us at our best.
There are only three days left until regionals, meaning the work isn't finished until it's finished. I know I still have work to do, and I’m going to work hard every day for three days to make it perfect.
I ran the floor piece four times now. The Debussy arrangement Miles mentioned is on my phone and I've listened to it twice between runs and he's right, which makes it feel weird, because how did he know this would work for me. I bet he’s one of those people who when they have nothing to do, they read and listen to everything. They want to learn every single day.
But he’s right, it suits the way I move.
Juno falls into step beside me on the way out, my kit bag is over one shoulder, and my hair is still damp from the quick shower, because tonight I needed it.
The night air hits cold and sharp after the warmth of the gym, and I pull my jacket tighter and match her pace down the path toward the residential buildings.
"Your floor work looked good today," she says.
"The third run was good. The others were fine." I pull a sad face toward her.
"Fine is enough for now. Plus, I know you, you’ll be in there for the next three days to make it perfect.” She jokes, looking around at the other students walking past.
"I need to be ready for Saturday.” I smile at some of the hockey players walking past us, and Juno makes an annoying noise, and when I look over at her she’s rolling her eyes.
Before I can ask her what that was about, she bumps my shoulder with hers. "You'll be ready."
She’s the third person to say that to me this week. I'm starting to almost believe it. I know I’m good, I know I can compete on the floor and the beam, I just have to stop over thinking it.
My phone rings. I look at the screen, and already know something is wrong, because something in my chest tightens the way it always does when I see his name. It’s not dread exactly, it’s more because at the moment I don’t think there is any good reason for him to be calling.
"I'll see you in the morning," I tell Juno, waving my phone to her.
She looks at the screen, and nods once giving me a smile.
I answer.
"Hey."
"Hey." It’s Dan. It’s the slow version, great this means something is coming, and I’m not going to like it. "You got a minute?"
"I'm walking back from practice. What's going on?"
The pause lasts longer than I would like it to. "The program costs are going up. There’s a new treatment block starting next month, it's residential, which means…"
"How much?" I cut him off. I already know this has pissed me off, he was doing well, then he has to fuck it up.
"Sadie…"
"How much, Dan?"
He tells me, I have no words, and I look around. I have no idea for what, there’s no one here to help me.
"I have savings," I say. My voice is completely level. I'm very focused on keeping it completely level. "I'll use those."
"You don't have to…"
"You’ve not given me a choice." I lose the calmness in my tone, because he knows there is no other way. "It's fine."
"It's not fine, I know it's not fine, I just… there isn't another option right now and I didn't know who else…"
"There's never another option." My voice breaks into something I’ve been trying to calm, but it’s not easy when my brother is an asshole and never thinks about me.
"Do you know what I did to get here, Dan?
Do you actually know? Three years of saving every single thing I earned and then using all of it for you and then starting again from nothing and working twice as hard to get a scholarship because it was that or not come at all. "
"I know…"
"And I did it. I did all of it and I didn't complain because you're my brother and I love you and I would do it all again.
" My voice is shaking now, and I hate that it's shaking but I can't stop it.
"But I'm tired. I'm so tired and regionals are in three days and I'm standing in the cold outside my dorm, and I just need…
" I stop. "I just need one thing to not be hard right now. "
Silence.
"I'm sorry," he says, quietly. I know he means it, but right now it means nothing.
"I'll sort the money," I say. "Don't worry about it."
I hang up before he can respond, because I’m not in the mood for selfish people around me right now.
Walking into my dorm room, the first place my eyes move to is the kitchen counter. There're no flowers. I’m not sure what I expected.
I kick my shoes off at the door, drop my bag on the floor and then fall onto the couch and sit there in the dark.
Nobody knows I'm here. Nobody is checking whether I got home. Nobody left anything on my counter or got my order exactly right or sent a message that arrived at the right time or when I needed it the most.
I put my face in my hands.
The tears come quietly, tears I’ve been holding inside me for so long that my body has finally stopped holding it together. Because I can’t hold it together anymore, I can’t keep doing this alone, fixing everything. When is someone going to take care of me?
That’s one thing about being the person who sorts everything for everyone else, you get so good at it that people stop asking if you're okay. They just hand you the next problem and trust you'll figure it out. And you do. You always do. But who will look after me?
Nobody.
The answer is nobody and I already know that but tonight it just hurts more than usual.
That's the thought that sits at the bottom of all of it, the one I usually manage to argue myself out of. Tonight I don't have the energy to argue. Nobody is paying attention. Nobody notices when I'm running on empty or when a phone call takes something from me that I didn't have left to give.
Except. I can’t think about him, but… he noticed.
Whoever Ghost is, whoever has been leaving flowers on my counter and gets my coffee order exactly right, and sends a message saying focus on your dream the moment I needed to hear it the most. He paid attention.
In the most unsettling, inexplicable, deeply wrong way possible, he paid more attention to me in the small amount of time I’ve been here, than most people manage in years.
He was there, and I pushed him away.
I wipe my face with the back of my hand, then I look at my phone. It’s been wo days of silence. Two days of me deciding this had to stop, that I was being reckless, that whatever this is, isn't safe and isn't right and isn't something I should want.
I open the contact saved as Ghost.
I stare at the empty message box for a long moment.
Sadie.
Are you still there?
I sit in the dark and wait to see if he answers.
Ghost.
I'm here. I've always been here.
Something in my chest loosens by one degree. Just one. I pull my knees up on the couch and look at the screen and type.
Sadie
I threw the flowers away.
Ghost.
I know.
Sadie.
I was going to throw the bracelet away too.
Ghost.
But you didn't.
I look down at my wrist. The violet charm sits exactly where it always is, against my pulse point, and warm from my skin.
Sadie
No, I didn't.
A pause.
Ghost.
Bad day?
Sadie.
My brother, And practice. And everything.
Ghost.
Tell me.
I send him a long message explaining what’s going on, he already knows about my brother, and I bet he knows a lot more but he’s just not saying anything, and right now I don’t care, because I need to talk to someone.
Ghost.
You carry too much.
Sadie.
Someone has to.
Ghost.
Not always you.
I look at that for a long time.
Sadie
You don't know that.
Ghost
I know you. More than you're comfortable with.
That should put me on edge, and those words should scare me, but now I don’t care how he talks to me. Because he cares.
Sadie.
I missed you. These two days. I missed this.
The three dots appear. Disappear. Appear again, longer this time.
Ghost.
I know. I missed you too.
The dorm room is dark and quiet, my eyes are still raw from crying and I'm sitting here having a conversation with someone whose face I don't know. I already feel steadier than I have all evening.
Ghost.
I should let you sleep.
Sadie.
I don't want to sleep yet.
Ghost.
What do you want?
I look at the question. At the empty counter where the flowers used to be. At the bracelet on my wrist. What do I want?
I think about his question, and my own. And before I can stop myself, I send the message.
Sadie.
I don't want to be alone tonight.
Three dots. A long pause.
Ghost.
Say the word and I'll come.
The air goes out of the room. I should say no. Every sensible part of me lines up to say no. I don't know who he is, I don't know how he gets in, I don't know what it would mean if I say yes.
My thumbs hover over the screen for a long time, thinking about him, and what would he do if I said yes. Wondering if I say no what will happen, will I be able to sleep, will I be able to feel like someone cares?
Sadie.
Yes.
Ghost.
And if I do, what do you want from me?
What do I want? I think about the answer, and the only thing I can think of is telling him the truth.
Sadie.
To feel like someone cares about me. For someone to look after me.
I walk to the bedroom, and get changed waiting for his reply, but I get nothing. Was saying yes too much for him? Was it too much for me to ask? I look at my phone once more and there is nothing