24. Sadie #2
The table is loud when we join the girls.
Juno looks at Miles then toward me and I smile letting her know it’s fine he’s here.
I still haven’t told them I slept with Miles at Regionals, because if they knew I’m sure one of them would be trying to kill him for ignoring me.
But she does know I like him and hates that he ignores me.
It’s only a matter of time before Juno just says something about it.
Miles places a coffee in front of me and passes me the menu.
“What do you want to eat?” he asks, and I tell him I’ll order in a bit and thank him for the coffee.
“Do we not get coffee?” Mason asks Miles, which makes him laugh.
“No, get your own, you cheap asshole.” Miles pulls the chair out and sits next to me.
The girls are talking about a party in a few weeks which they want to go to, Juno says she might skip it because she doesn’t like the guy who is hosting it. I need to find out why she hates the hockey team so much.
I let the conversation play around me, and I glance over at Miles here and there, trying to see if there’s anything I can pinpoint that connects him to Ghost.
Fifteen minutes later they’re still talking about the party. I’ve been building up the courage to ask, but I keep backing out. I’m going to say it, I set my coffee down, turn to Miles, and whisper. "Can I ask you something?"
Miles looks at me, then looks around the table and sees that everyone else is in their own conversations. He stops tapping on his phone, giving me his full attention.
"You ignored me," I whisper. "For days, you weren’t in Grounds, you didn’t send me any messages, nothing. And I want to know why." I glance at the others to make sure no one is watching us, they're not.
He stares at me for what feels like forever. "I wanted to keep you safe," he says.
I freeze, I’ve nothing to say back to him, because the words hit me, because I've heard those words before. Not similar words, those exact words, in that exact register, flat and certain and carrying no apology, just a fact.
I want to keep you safe.
Ghost said it to me the same way.
I look at Miles, wondering if there’s a way I can trip him up and get him to say something that gives me more evidence that he’s Ghost.
My hand tightens around my mug. "Safe from what?" I ask. My voice comes out quieter than it was before.
There’s something going on and he isn’t telling me. I’m not backing down until he tells me something.
He looks at me for a long moment. Something moves through his expression; I wonder if he knows I might have worked out who he is?
"It’s just something I'm dealing with," he says. "Something that got closer than I expected."
"The bruising," I ask.
"Part of it."
I can feel my heart pounding in my chest at the moment.
I know it’s him. Everything inside me is telling me it’s him.
I look down at my wrist. At the two bracelets sitting side by side, the violet charm, and the camera charm.
Fuck it, I’m either right or I’m wrong, but one thing I do know is that I’m not going to find out if I’m too scared to ask him.
I lean forward, and whisper one word, because there is nothing else to say. "Ghost."
The stillness that moves through him is immediate and absolute.
It’s not shock; it’s like he knew it was going to happen sooner or later.
He moves his hand under the table and places it on my thigh.
He glances once around the table. Mason looks at him, and it seems like they’re having a conversation between themselves.
He leans in, close enough that I feel the warmth of him, and close enough that what comes next is just for me.
It's him. It has always been him. I turn to face him again. “You fixed my essay, well more than one of them.”
Not looking up from his phone. “You can do better, so I made it better for you. There’s a lot of things I’ve done.” He places his phone face down and slides it to Mason and Declan. They look at the phone then at Miles.
“I’m on it,” Declan says, and leave the table as if we’re all meant to know what the fuck that means.
Mason slides the phone back to him, slamming his hand on top to stop him from taking it, and then drinks his coffee.
I look at him and think about everything. He knew everything. He knew about Dan, about the money, about the savings and the doubles on weekends and the exhaustion of being the person who sorts things out.
My phone buzzes on the table. I look at it.
Ghost.
Stop staring at me before someone notices.
He's looking at his own phone, not at me. The corner of his mouth curls into a smile. My hand is shaking slightly when I turn my phone face down. I pick up my coffee. His hand is still on my thigh, it doesn't move and I don’t want it to.
“You got class?” he asks, and I nod. “I’ll walk you.”
He pockets his phone and picks up his jacket from the back of the chair and stands. I gather my bag and my camera and tell the girls I’ll call them later.
Miles walks over to Mason, leans down and says something to him, and Mason nods.
Juno watches us from across the table with an expression that could power a small city.
"See you tomorrow," I tell the table generally.
"Mm," Juno says, in the tone that means we are absolutely talking about this later and also I knew it and also several other things she's choosing not to say in public.
Miles holds the door for me and the cold morning hits me. He walks beside me, his hands in his jacket pockets.
"How long were you going to keep it going?" I ask. I need to know how long he’s planning on being the Ghost around me, even though I now know.
He looks at the path ahead. "I hadn't decided."
"That's not an answer."
"No," he agrees. "It isn't, but at the moment that’s all I’ve got.”
The path curves toward the humanities block. A group of students pass in the other direction, loud and unconcerned, splitting around us without noticing.
"Am I still getting the flowers?" I ask.
"Yes."
"The essay."
"Yes."
"The…" I stop, then I start again. "All of it."
"All of it," he confirms.
I look at him. "Why the camera bracelet?" I ask.
He's quiet for a moment. "Because you photograph thresholds," he says. "The point where one thing becomes another." He glances at me briefly. "It seemed appropriate."
I look down at my wrist. Both of them catching the path lights as I walk.
We reach the humanities block.
He stops and looks at me with attention that I now understand differently. It’s not just Miles looking at me, but someone who’s been looking at me since September and knows exactly what he's seeing.
"Do you want dinner tonight?"
"Dinner?" I repeat.
"Seven. I'll pick you up."
"You know where I live," I say. I close my eyes for one second and then open them again. "Obviously you know where I live."
The corner of his mouth lifts. "Obviously."
I know I should be asking him about how much he does know about my life, but at the moment not one question is scaping my mouth. But tonight, at dinner I will be getting some answers from him.
"Seven," I say.
He nods, then he steps forward. One hand comes up to my jaw, it’s warm, and he tilts my face up, then he kisses me. My hand finds his jacket and I hold on.
He pulls back and smiles. "Seven," he says again. Then he steps back, his hands returning to his pockets. He turns and walks back up the path looking around to see if anyone is around.
I stand at the bottom of the humanities block steps with my camera bag on my shoulder and both bracelets on my wrist. And the warmth of a kiss that just changed the shape of everything.
My phone buzzes.
Ghost
Don't be late.
Ghost.
You can change my name now too.
I look at it for a long moment, smiling. I’m never going to be able to keep things from him. I won’t be able to surprise him. Ever.