25. Miles #2
We arrive at the restaurant, it’s only ten minutes from the house on foot, which means Mason can be here quick enough if anything happens.
The host knows my name and shows us to the corner table without being asked, which means someone called ahead and my money is on Mason. I'll deal with him later.
Sadie sits across from me, takes a look at the menu and smiles as she tells me what she wants. I order our food, and I watch her as she tries to say something. Her mouth opens then closes.
The wine arrives, and she takes a drink, she tries to ask me something but stops again. Maybe she needs some help.
"Ask me," I say.
She looks at me. "I'm deciding where to start."
"Start anywhere, I’ll answer…”
“The truth?” she asks, taking another sip of her wine.
“Yes, of course.”
"You know everything about me, so what, do you have a file on me?”
"Before I spoke to you, before you knew my name..." I hold her gaze. "Your university ID photo. Your scholarship records. Your schedule. Your brother's facility."
Something moves through her expression, and I choose not to tell her that her brother is in our family clinic.
"Dan," she says.
"I know more about his situation than you've told anyone on campus."
"How much more?" The words break as she says them.
I don’t reply straight away wondering what parts I should tell her.
"I know which clinic he’s in, how you’ve been paying for it for years, how you’ve been paying for so much.
” I pause. “You’ve been looking after everyone, and no one looked after you.
” She doesn’t say anything, and looks away, and I know she’s embarrassed.
“You look more beautiful when you smile.”
She looks at me for a long moment. She’s calm, or maybe she doesn’t know what to say. Maybe hitting me in public isn’t the best way to go and she’s working out the best way to shout at me without making a scene.
"How did you get in?"
"The building's access system has a gap in the permissions architecture. I found it the first week of term." I hold her gaze. "It's been closed since I reported it to the residence security system last week."
Her eyebrows move. "You reported it."
"I was the only person using it." Now she knows who I am, I’m hoping she’ll let me in without slamming the door in my face.
"The laptop?" she asks as our food is placed on our table. "You watched me through my own camera."
"Yes."
"While I slept."
"Yes, and you look beautiful when you’re sleeping,” I say.
She's quiet for a moment. "I should be angrier than I am," she says.
She picks up her fork, then puts it down. "Why did you do it? Not the how, the why."
I look at her, knowing this is the one time I have to be honest with her.
"I saw you in the courtyard," I say. "You had the camera and I couldn't stop looking."
She holds my gaze. "That's not an explanation," she says.
I stay quiet because I’m not sure what to say to her, I really don’t have the words.
She looks at her plate, she picks up her fork this time and keeps it. We eat for a few minutes in the quiet that is looming over us.
"Did you think about stopping?" she asks, "at any point."
"Yes."
"But you didn't." I look at her across the table. At the two bracelets on her wrist, both of which are catching the low light.
"Because every time I decided to stop, I found something else I didn't know yet," I say. "And I became more and more addicted to you.”
She's quiet for a moment. "Do you have feelings for me?"
I look at her and there is only one word to say. "Yes,"
She looks at me for a long time, placing her fork down. Then she leans back slightly in her chair.
"You could have just talked to me," she says.
"I could have."
"That would have been the normal thing to do."
"I know."
"But you didn't."
"No, I thought it would be more fun this way."
"Because?"
I look at her. "Because I wasn't ready for you to know me yet. I needed to understand you first." I hold her gaze. "I know that's not how it's supposed to work."
"It's really not," she says, but something in her voice has shifted into something soft.
We finish eating, I pay the bill, and I’m still working out what this means for us.
"What happens now?" she asks as the waiter walks away.
"That depends on you."
"You're very good at turning questions back." She smiles, and it’s the first time she looks like the Sadie I know.
"You're very good at asking them."
"I'm not saying everything is fine," she says. "Because it isn't. You went through my things, and you watched me without my knowledge. There are parts of this I'm still…" she pauses, finding the word, "…processing."
"I know."
"But..." She looks at me. "I also know how the Debussy feels when I run the floor piece. I know what it felt like when you said you carry too much at eleven o'clock at night." Her hand stays on mine. "And I know what it felt like when you kissed me this afternoon."
“I don’t mind kissing you again,” I say making her laugh “Or happy to do other things.” I stand up and walk around the table to pull her chair out for her so she can stand.
“I mean you’re not the worst kisser…”
“I'm happy to show you how good I am.” Now I’m getting the fun Sadie, the one I’ve started to fall for.
“I’ll look forward to it.” She takes my hand, and leans in closer to me, moves up to her tiptoes and gives me a small kiss, and before she can pull her away I wrap my arms around her so I can kiss her deeper.