Chapter 16
chapter
sixteen
Farrah couldn’t believe how much liquid came out of her face. Everything felt too hot though the sun had gone behind the hills several minutes ago.
Darren kept his strong arms around her, creating an eye in the storm of her emotions.
She felt safe with him, but she didn’t elaborate.
She’d have to eventually, but maybe he’d be satisfied with what she’d already told him.
After all, she hadn’t told anyone the story of meeting her birth father, because it pierced her deep and bit hard.
“Should we go?” he whispered.
She nodded, still sniffling, and allowed him to sweep up their trash and the blanket he’d spread on the sand before tucking her hand in his and leading her up the beach to the parking lot.
She’d loved this beach growing up. It had tall trees growing right out of the sand, and she had happy memories of making sandcastles and burying her father up to his neck.
Doesn’t matter that Gary didn’t want you, she told herself. You have parents.
She needed to talk to Dr. Kenna, but her next appointment wasn’t until Tuesday.
She seriously considered calling the therapist, but then Darren leaned into the truck, reaching across her to buckle her seatbelt.
“There you go.” He gazed at her with such love, she decided right then that she didn’t need the love or acceptance of the father who had donated his sperm to her existence.
She trailed her fingers down the side of his face. “I’m scared you’re going to grow weary of me,” she said. “I came home with a lot of baggage.”
He gazed back at her evenly, not so much as a twitch or a blink. “We can unpack it one thing at a time.”
One thing at a time.
Dr. Kenna had said something similar. She’d counseled Farrah not to try to tackle everything at once. And she hadn’t. But she felt like she was juggling a lot of balls. Her job. Her new relationship with her parents. Her past. Her memories. New friends. Darren.
No matter what, she couldn’t drop Darren. His ball seemed made of glass, and she was sure she didn’t have many more chances with him. If she dropped his ball, it would shatter, and she simply couldn’t afford to lose him.
She nodded, her heart swelling with love for him. He walked around the front of the truck and got behind the wheel. “Maybe we can watch a movie at your place.”
“You’ve seen all my movies.”
He started the truck and adjusted the heater. “Want to go to the theater in Burlington?”
She shook her head. “What have you got at the farmhouse?”
He swung toward her, his surprise easy to see through the dimming light. “You want to come out to Steeple Ridge and watch a movie at my house?”
“Will the other cowboys mind?”
“I don’t care if they do.”
A smile spread her lips. “Darren.”
“I don’t know what Cody and Wade are doin’. And Shiloh moved in too.”
“We could get a movie and take it to my house.”
He backed out of the parking space. “No, let’s go see what’s going on at Steeple Ridge.
” He drove away from the lake, the Adirondack Mountains black now against the navy blue sky.
She felt spent, so tired her brain seemed to be sloshing from one side of her skull to the other.
But she didn’t want to be alone, and as Darren drove through the old town feel of Island Park and along the winding highway to Steeple Ridge, she felt like she was going home.
Lights shone in the farmhouse windows, and a memory surged forward. She’d come out to Steeple Ridge after a fight with her mother, the homey feel of the farmhouse a welcome beacon in that dark night.
Jamie had received her with concern, even though she’d already gone to bed. She’d made chocolate milk from powder and pulled out her secret stash of gingerbread cookies. She’d let Farrah cry, and she hadn’t asked a single question.
In the end, she’d told her she needed to go home and make things right with her mother.
“When things went bad in Los Angeles, I thought about Steeple Ridge.” She spoke to the darkness beyond her window.
Darren put the truck in park but didn’t get out. “Oh?”
“Jamie, the woman who used to own the farm before Tucker, was like a second mother to me. She was my riding instructor, and she taught me a lot more than how to jump and care for horses.”
Darren said nothing, and Farrah found she didn’t need him to. She could feel his attentiveness, and it was one of his most attractive qualities. That, and his dark, delicious eyes.
“Did you ever know Jamie?”
“I’m afraid not,” he said so quietly she could barely hear him.
Farrah sighed, her breath fogging the window the slightest bit. “She was great. She made Steeple Ridge feel like home, and she helped me through some hard times when I was a teenager and didn’t get along with my mom.”
Darren shifted on the seat. “I’m glad.”
“Yeah, she told me once that I needed to go home and make things right. So when I lost everything in LA, I thought of what she said. It was almost like she was there, whispering in my ear. Leading me. Guiding me. And I came home.”
But not to Steeple Ridge. She’d been back in Island Park for over a year before she’d come out to this farm, and even then, she’d only come under duress.
She wasn’t sure why she thought she needed to abandon everything she’d been before leaving Vermont.
She realized now that her childhood was part of her—a vital part—and that just because she had stranger’s blood flowing in her veins that didn’t mean she was different.
“I’m glad you came home,” he said. And he genuinely sounded like he was.
“I tracked my dad down in California. That’s why I went there.
” Her voice sounded somewhat alien, almost like she’d lost control of herself.
“He was a producer, but he didn’t want me in any of his productions.
” Her chest pinched. Her throat narrowed.
“He asked me a lot of questions about my life and myself. But he didn’t really care.
In the end, he asked me to leave and never come back. ”
“He’s why you left LA?”
“No. Yes. Not really.” She finally turned toward Darren, whose cowboy hat kept his face bathed in darkness. “He just meant not to contact him again. I was so….” Angry. Scared. Devastated.
She cleared her throat. “It was a hard time. I decided to leave LA because I wasn’t happy there. All I could think about was Steeple Ridge.” Her gaze drifted back to the farmhouse, where a dog waited with his tongue panting out of his mouth.
Steeple Ridge, with its dogs and horses.
Miles of pastures. Green rolling hills and bright blue skies.
A cheery farmhouse with yellow lights shining in the windows.
She’d held this idyllic picture of the farm in her mind, and she hadn’t wanted to ruin it by coming back and seeing that it had changed.
But the spirit of the farm hadn’t changed. The charm and magic of it remained, even if Tucker had painted the house a brighter white and Missy had expanded the show arena.
“A few days after I got here,” Farrah continued. “Someone called to tell me my father had died, and he had no one. No family. Nowhere to be buried. No will. Nothing. So I brought him here. I had my original birth certificate, and I got his estate.”
She didn’t want it. Had asked her lawyer to sell everything he could and manage the bank account. Movement to her right caught her attention, and she saw Cody leading a horse toward the barn.
“I have a lot of money,” she said, turning toward Darren again. “I want to buy some horses with it.” She felt shaky and weak, and she hated that. “I want to ride horses again.”
He reached for her, and she slid across the seat and found comfort in his embrace. “I’ll help you,” he whispered.
She supposed that he didn’t realize how much he already had. Farrah felt unworthy of this good man, but as she stayed tucked into his warm arms and breathed in the masculine scent of his skin, she prayed that she could somehow be the woman he deserved.
Tuesday came, and with it Farrah’s appointment with Dr. Kenna. Farrah had spent several sessions with the redheaded therapist, and she really liked her. So she accepted the water bottle she’d been offered and looked at the pictures of Dr. Kenna’s children while she waited.
For the first time since she’d started seeing someone, Farrah felt like she had a lot to say. The first couple of sessions had been strained while Dr. Kenna asked her questions Farrah didn’t want to answer.
But she’d stayed. She hadn’t stormed out or refused to come back, though she’d wanted to do both. Then she’d think of Darren and remind herself of why she needed to be here. If she really wanted him in her life, she needed to get it all cleaned up before he could move in.
“Farrah, come on back.” The doctor smiled at her from the doorway, and Farrah grinned back. “You look good today.” Dr. Kenna had been blessed with sharp, green eyes that didn’t miss a single detail. Growing up with her as a mom would’ve probably been torture.
“I feel good today,” Farrah said, taking a seat on the couch opposite the one Dr. Kenna sat on.
“Tell me why.” She didn’t take notes. She didn’t hold anything. She sometimes had chocolate almonds she snacked on, or a bottle of pink lemonade, almost like she was simply spending time with a friend.
“I think I’ve finally told Darren everything.” Bubbles of excitement formed in her chest, and she felt…giddy. She proceeded to tell Dr. Kenna about her conversations with Darren, her decision to buy horses and get riding with him, her time with some of the women in town at bunko night.
Her throat felt dry and her water had long been drunk by the time she stopped talking. Dr. Kenna had listened, showing a smile when she needed to, or gesturing for Farrah to continue. She edged a bit farther forward on the seat now.
“Farrah, I’m a little bit worried about everything you told me.”
Some of Farrah’s giddiness fled. “What do you mean?”
“I fear…I’m just worried that you’re taking on too much, too soon.”
Farrah had not been expecting that. She leaned back into the couch, the wind that had been propelling her along suddenly gone.
“Remember how we were going to take things one at a time?” Dr. Kenna cleared her throat and stood. She retrieved a small notebook from her desk and handed it to Farrah. “Let me find you a pen.”
A moment later, Farrah was armed and ready to write.
“Without thinking about it, without analyzing anything, I want you to write one-word answers to what I ask you. All right?”
Farrah trusted Dr. Kenna, so she nodded even as a blip of concern passed through her. What if she couldn’t think of the right word? What if nothing came to mind?
“If you can’t think of anything, just say pass, and we’ll move on.”
Farrah nodded, her throat too tight to speak anymore.
“One word.” Dr. Kenna perched on the edge of the couch again, her pencil skirt pulling across her knees. “What are you hoping to gain from our therapy sessions?”
Farrah scribbled CLARITY across the top of the page and glanced back to the doctor.
“How can you get what you want?”
WORK got written next.
“What will it take to get what you want?”
Farrah almost wrote work again, but thankfully, her mind thought of TIME, and she put that instead. She wasn’t sure if she could use the same word more than once or not, and she didn’t want to ask.
“Who can help you get what you want?”
So many names came to Farrah’s mind. Her mom. Her dad. Dr. Kenna. Darren.
She printed the last one, liking how his name looked on her paper of very important questions. Cocking her head, she admired the letters for an extra moment before turning her attention back to Dr. Kenna.
“What will you lose if you don’t get what you want?”
Another hard question, with more than one answer.
“The first thing you think of,” Dr. Kenna said.
Farrah wrote.
“All right. Let’s see what you’ve got.” She reached for the notebook and took it from Farrah, who was still unsure if she’d written the right answer on the last question.
“Good,” the doctor murmured. “It will take work and time to get the clarity you’re looking for Farrah.” She glanced up and met Farrah’s eye. “But this is what worries me. This right here.” She turned the notebook and showed Farrah what she’d already seen.
Darren’s name twice.
“How can he help you if you’re scared to lose him?”
“I’m not scared—”
“You haven’t even told me anything about you today. It was all about him.”
She blinked and shook her head. “I mentioned the bunko. I’m making new friends in town.”
Dr. Kenna put the notebook on the table beside her. “And you should. And I’m not saying Darren’s bad for you. I’m saying that it’s really hard to be what someone else wants you to be, when you don’t know who you are yet.”
Farrah wasn’t exactly sure she understood what Dr. Kenna was saying, but she nodded like she did. “So I should…?”
“I can’t tell you what you should do.” She leaned back and crossed her legs, those eyes ever watchful.
“But I know you’ve made great progress by focusing on you for the past several weeks.
I’d hate to see that lost because you’re focused on…
something else, be that making friends or horseback riding with Darren. ”
Farrah felt like she’d been doused with a bucketful of ice water. Her mouth worked, but no sound came out.
“Think about what I said,” Dr. Kenna said.
“I could be wrong. Maybe you’re doing just great, and all these big decisions you’ve made are fine.
” She smiled, a happy gesture that usually calmed Farrah’s racing heart.
Today though, it only added fuel to the firestorm inside her chest. “And we’ll meet again next week. ”
Next week.
Farrah stood and shook the other woman’s hand. She made it downstairs to her car. She drove home. Bolt greeted her inside with purrs and a rub along her calves. She normally bent down and stroked him, got his food and water bowls refreshed, and figured out what to eat for dinner.
Tonight, she made it to the couch and collapsed. The tabby leapt up beside her and curled into her lap. Farrah absently stroked his fur, wondering why writing Darren’s name down twice was bad.
He could help her.
She was afraid of losing him.
Closing her eyes, she leaned her face toward the ceiling. She had never needed more clarity than she did right now, not even when she’d discovered she was pregnant with someone’s baby she wasn’t married to.
She’d come back from that.
She could figure this out too.
Dear Lord….