Chapter Twenty-Three Too Close
JULIAN
“Tell me more about Mrs. Clay,” she urges.
“She started taking me to practice after that,” I explain, relaxing against the couch. “Games, too. Sat in the same spot every time. Yelled at the refs like she knew what she was talking about.”
Hadley laughs under her breath. “Did she?”
“Not even a little,” I chuckle. “It didn’t stop her.”
“She sounds amazing,” Hadley softly says.
“Yeah, she is,” I agree. “She kind of just… filled in the gaps in my life where things were missing.”
“You got lucky,” she murmurs.
I can’t argue with that. “Yeah, I did.”
Our gazes meet, and the space between us seems to shrink.
The air grows heavy with something…I’m not sure what.
Neither of us moves. Hadley’s eyes hold mine, reflecting the warm, dim light of the kitchen.
My stare drops down to her mouth, tracing the soft swell of her lower lip, before rising back up to lock onto hers.
The tension in the room thickens so fast it's almost suffocating.
The sound of the TV fills the silence that stretches between us.
I can hear the shallow catch in her breath, can see the slight, tells-all pulse fluttering at the base of her throat.
Every single instinct I have is screaming at me to reach over and wrap my hand around the back of her neck and pull her into me.
For a long, agonizing second, I think she wants me to.
Forcing myself to break the spell before I do something irreversible, I pull my gaze away and exhale a shaky breath.
Needing a distraction, I absently check my phone for the time and am surprised to realize just how late it is.
“Oh, shit,” I mutter. “It’s almost ten…I should get going…”
The sound of rain hitting the window startles us both, just before lightning cracks and thunder rumbles.
“Shit, when did it start storming?” Hadley gasps.
I groan. Fuck, driving this late in a storm isn’t my favorite thing to do, but I suppose I don’t have a choice…
“You could stay,” she says, as if she’s reading my damn mind. “It’s pretty bad out. I’d hate for you to be out in this mess. Besides, we haven’t finished the movie.”
I shake my head, despite how tempting the offer is. I think about my nightmares and how bad they’ve been lately. I don’t want her to see the aftermath if I were to have one here. She doesn’t need to know or worry about my demons. “I really should go.”
I don’t sound all that convincing. She studies me for a second. I swear I see a flash of disappointment cross her gaze.
“Please?” she asks
I don’t respond, but I don’t move either. Neither of us do. Instead, she shifts closer, settling against me and curling into my side like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
My breath catches. I tell myself I should stop it, but I don’t. Her head rests against my chest, and we stay like that for a long time, neither of us speaking. Eventually, her breathing slows and evens out.
She’s asleep.
She feels so damn good in my arms…so small, so soft, fitting against me like she was made to be there. An agonizing wave of need twists in my chest, tearing me apart from the inside out. Until tonight, I’d been doing a masterpiece of a job lying to myself, compartmentalizing her as just a friend.
Holding her like this in the quiet, dark room, with the rain drumming a frantic beat against the glass?
The lie is disintegrating. I can’t ignore it anymore.
I am so far gone for this girl that it terrifies me, and the terrifying part is how much I don't want to pull away. I want this. I want her. Every protective instinct, every selfish desire I’ve ever suppressed is clawing its way to the surface, begging me to just stay.
I should wake her up and leave. I don’t. I suppose I could just relax here for a bit longer. Maybe close my eyes for a few minutes and just enjoy having her so close to me.
There’s nothing wrong with that. I’ll just rest a little bit…no big deal…
I’m back there. I don’t realize it at first.
Not until it’s already happening.
“Mommy, please don’t go!”
“Daddy, no! Stop! Don’t hit me again!”
I jerk awake, breath coming sharp, the sound ripping out of me before I can stop it.
Hadley is kneeling on the couch next to me, her hands gripping my arms and her eyes wide.
“Julian!” she gasps. “Are you okay?”
Fuck, this is exactly what I wanted to avoid.
I fling myself upright, throwing my legs over the edge of the couch.
I drop my head into my hands, my fingers clutching at my hair so hard it hurts.
I can’t breathe. I can’t look at her. I’m completely exposed, raw and shaking, and the sheer humiliation of it is a physical weight crushing down on me. Fuck.
“Sorry,” I mutter, running a shaking hand through my hair. “I…shit…sorry.”
“What happened?” she asks. “That nightmare…”
I shake my head. “I’m fine.”
“You’re not,” Hadley replies softly. She doesn't push, and she doesn't raise her voice.
Instead, she slides her hands down to my wrists, her touch warm and light against my trembling skin.
Her expression is pure compassion, her eyes swimming with an empathy that threatens to break whatever resolve I have left.
“You know you can talk to me, right? Whatever it is…
you don't have to carry it by yourself.”
“I said I’m fine,” I snap, my voice sharper than I mean for it to be.
The air between us grows thick with tension. She doesn’t back down.
“Talk to me,” she insists. “We’re friends. I care about you.”
I shake my head. “I can’t.”
Because if I do, I have to admit to all the ugly, broken parts of me that I try so hard to keep hidden.
A heavy, sickening wave of regret crashes over me, suffocating and sharp.
I shouldn't have stayed. I never wanted her to see this.
I should have walked out into the pouring rain the second she offered, should have known better than to let my guard down, and should have never fallen asleep.
She shouldn't have risked being near me.
I look down at her, and a bitter, dark knot of self-loathing twists in my gut. She’s looking up at me with so much raw concern, her eyes wide. She shouldn’t look at me like that. Shouldn’t be wasting her worry, her tears, or her massive heart on someone as ruined as me.
The lingering haze of the nightmare drags every single one of my deepest insecurities to the surface, leaving them bleeding in the open.
Sitting in her beautiful, pristine apartment, looking at her, the contrast is deafening.
She’s too good. Too pure. Me? I’m the guy people eventually realize is too much work.
The guy they leave behind. Mom left. My brother left.
At the end of the day, no one ever chooses me, and why would they?
“I don’t think I can do this,” I mutter, pushing to my feet.
Her brows pull together. She frowns. “Do what?”
“This!” I gesture between us. “Being around you. Pretending we’re just…”
I stop. Goddamn it, what am I doing? What was I about to admit to?
“Just what?” she prods gently.
Fuck it, maybe I should just say it and nip it in the bud before things really get out of hand.
“Just friends,” I finish.
The words hang between us, out in the open. No taking them back now.
Her lips part. “Julian…”
I turn away. I don’t think I can handle her rejection right now.
“I should go,” I mutter as I make my way to the door.
“Wait!”
My steps don’t falter. I grab my jacket as I cross the apartment in long strides.
“Julian!” she cries.
Still, I don’t stop because I know if I do, I won’t leave.
The door closes behind me hard, and I continue down the hallway without looking back.