Chapter 25
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Walking back through the town in the early evening, Wren felt a lightness in her heart.
Oliver wasn't her secret admirer, and she wasn't upset about that.
She was also no longer interested in finding him.
If he couldn't be bothered to reveal himself, then she wanted nothing more to do with him.
The next letter, if any more came, she wouldn't open.
Instead, she was going to focus on what was right in front of her.
Or rather, who was right in front of her.
She was going to find Freddie. Not for dinner—not for the measured, normal occasion of dinner, with its appropriate timing and its room for second-guessing. She was going to find him now, and she was going to say the thing she should have said with less preamble and fewer investigative detours.
She was choosing him.
Not the admirer. Freddie. The man who walked on the street side and noticed glass and put himself between her and danger. She was choosing the person who had been present daily, imperfectly, entirely. She was choosing the one who had shown up.
The letters—whoever had written them, however it resolved—were a separate question for a separate moment. She could hold that question without letting it hold her. Right now she wanted Freddie to know that there was something between them, and she wanted to know if he felt the same way too.
She thought he felt the same. His kisses surely told her that. And she hadn't seen him kissing any other women.
She was nearly at the shop. The lamp-post outside Pages it was one of the things about Preston, the careful maintenance of presentation, everything in its right place. His expression was the one he wore when he believed he was being reasonable.
"Wren." He said her name the way he always had, with the confidence of a man who expected it to land well. "I've been waiting."
She looked at the cream thing in his hand. An envelope. A cream envelope. Her eyes went to the mail slot in the door—brass, original fixture, used exclusively by—
"I found it," Preston said, following her gaze. "It was sticking halfway out when I got here." He held it out toward her.
She looked at the envelope. Then back at Preston, and felt a wave of relief. For a horrifying second, she had thought it might be him. That Preston might be her secret admirer. That she could have fallen in love with a man who had lied, deceived, and hurt her so completely.
The handwriting on the front was just her name. One word, in the small, precise slant she had been looking at all afternoon. Wren. Not Dear Wren. Just her name, as though it was sufficient, as though it was the whole address.
She took it from him. She held it in both hands.
"I know I should have called," Preston said. He had moved into the mode she recognized; the one where he was delivering a considered speech, the words slightly too arranged, the emotions visible but managed. "I've been trying to reach you. I know you're angry—"
"I'm not angry," she said.
This was true. She was not angry. She was standing outside her shop holding a letter with her name on it in handwriting she knew and looking at the man she'd spent two years with and feeling something that was not anger and not grief and was, she realized, mostly just the absence of anything in particular.
"—and I understand that, but I want you to know I've been doing a lot of thinking.
About us. About what went wrong." Preston's voice had the quality of sincerity, which she had once found reassuring and now simply noted as a feature.
"I made a mistake. A serious one. But I think if you're honest with yourself—"
"Preston."
"—you know that what we had was real, and that one mistake—"
"Preston." She said it again, not loudly. He stopped.
She looked at him. She looked at the careful coat and the carefully arranged expression and the man who had stood at her parents' table and told her she over-committed to things as he tasked her with more, who had said you're a lot with the tone of someone diagnosing a problem and then asking her to do more, who had looked at her warmth and her opinions and her particular way of existing in the world and found them inconvenient.
She thought about Freddie saying not much at all, but anticipating her needs.
She thought about being inside both arms in the amber lamplight.
She thought about a man who had walked on the street side of the pavement, and she had not had to ask him to, and he had not required credit for it.
"I don't have anything to say to you," Wren told her ex. Gently, because she was not cruel and did not wish to be, but clearly. "I'm sorry you came all this way. I hope you're well. I genuinely do. But I have somewhere I need to be."
Preston's expression shifted into the register of a man recalibrating. "Wren, if you'd just—"
She was aware of him still talking. She could hear the shape of the words without receiving the content, the way you hear music from a room you are leaving.
He was still on the stoop. She had to step around him, which she did without ceremony, the way you step around something that is in the way.
She put her key in the lock and opened the door, and stepped inside.
"Wren—"
She closed the door.
Not with force. Not a slam. Just the quiet, final sound of a door that had been opened and was now closed, the latch settling into its housing with a small and definitive click.
Through the glass she was dimly aware of Preston's outline on the stoop, the coat and the careful expression, and then she turned away from the door and he ceased to be relevant.
The shop held her in its amber quiet. Heathcliff materialized from the armchair and wound once around her ankles, which was his version of an inquiry.
"I'm fine," she told him. And she meant it.
She crossed to the shelf beneath the register.
She opened the shoebox. Inside were the tissue paper, the neat stack of letters in their order.
She put the new envelope in with the others.
She did not open it. She looked at it for a moment, sitting there with its one-word address in the small, precise handwriting, and she felt something that was not urgency and not indifference but something steadier than both.
She didn't care.
Whatever was in it would keep, because she already knew the shape of it.
She had been reading the shape of it for eight weeks.
And right now the shape of it was less important than the shape of what she was going to say tonight, to a man who would be at a restaurant waiting for her in forty minutes.
Wren closed the shoebox. She went upstairs.
She changed her clothes and did her hair properly; not the haphazard clip but actually down, the way it cooperated with itself when she gave it sufficient attention.
She put on the dark green dress she'd bought in September and not yet worn, the one with the good neckline.
She found her good earrings and her good coat and her boots that were not entirely practical for cobblestones but were the right boots for the way she was feeling.
She stood in front of the mirror. She looked like a woman who had made a decision.
The decision, as best she could articulate it, was this: she was going to dinner tonight, and she was going to sit across from Freddie Gallagher, and she was going to say, in plain English, that she had feelings for him.
Real ones. The kind that had been building since a rainy pavement and an umbrella and the limp that didn't seem to slow him even while it allowed him to smell the roses.
The letters—the admirer, the mystery, the whole beautiful, complicated enterprise of the shoebox—were a separate matter. She found, standing in front of the mirror in her good dress, that she had completely stopped caring who had written them.
Not entirely. She was still herself. Still the woman who would want to know, eventually.
Still the woman who would turn it over and find the answer and have feelings about it at some later date.
But the urgency of it had shifted. Had been shifting for weeks, she understood, without her full acknowledgment.
The admirer had told her she was worth seeing.
Freddie had simply seen her every day in person without paper and had shown up anyway.
She picked up her bag. She checked her lipstick. She went downstairs, gave Heathcliff his evening meal, and turned on the nightlight.
She paused at the shelf where the shoebox lived.
She looked at it. Then she picked up her keys and went out into the October evening, pulling the door closed behind her on the amber warmth of the shop and the letters in their tissue paper and the man who had just left her stoop, and she walked toward whatever was going to happen next.