Chapter 42 #3
Protests came from all directions at once. Lila groaned. Ethan shook his head. Elizabeth shouted that Santa was coming.
“I know, I’m sorry,” I said and picked up a glass of apple cider since I had to drive. “But before I go, I want to offer a toast.”
I lifted my glass, and the room turned quiet.
“To Ethan,” I said and looked at my teenage brother. He tried to act cool, leaning back in his chair, but his eyes softened when they met mine. “You have a heart of gold. I love you.”
“Eeeew, back off,” he joked, making a face.
“To Lila,” I said, turning to her. “May your kind heart and sharp wits lead you on the greatest journey in Europe next year. I love you.”
Love you too, she mouthed without sound, pressing her lips together to keep from crying.
“To Markus and Elizabeth.” They both giggled. “May Santa bring you twice as many toys because you’re the best little rug rats walking this earth. I love you.”
“To Dad.” I turned to him. He stood there with the champagne bottle in his hand.
“And better choices,” was all I could get out.
“To Grandma.” I walked over to her so she could see me better. I bent down to her level. “We all owe you our lives. Without you, none of us would be here. I love you so much.”
A tear slid down her cheek. I wiped it away with my thumb.
“To Mom,” I added.
The room grew extra quiet. All eyes on me.
“I know you’re in heaven. Someone with a heart that big can’t be anywhere else. You did everything for us, always putting yourself last. I love you, and I can’t wait to see you again someday.”
Then I lifted the glass once more.
After a slight pause, I said, “And to Amanda.”
All eyes turned to her as she stood there in that ugly Christmas sweater dress.
Our eyes met.
“Who helped my mom when she needed her most. In good times and in really dark ones. We love you.”
Amanda wiped away a tear, careful not to smudge her mascara.
I drank the apple cider, then set the glass on the table. “Well, I gotta go.”
We all hugged. Kissed cheeks. I promised I’d be back right after the shift. Markus clung to my leg all the way to the door.
I stepped outside.
The cold winter night wrapped around me. It smelled faintly of wood smoke from the fireplace. Snow crunched under my shoes as I walked down the path to my car.
The moon stood silver and high in a cloudless sky.
I unlocked my car and was about to get in, when the front door opened and Amanda came after me.
“Dylan, wait!”
She stopped a few feet away from me, as if to give me space to process what I had just learned.
Her arms were wrapped tight around her body as she shivered in the cold without a jacket.
At first, she looked like she would try to pretend, make up some story that would cut her loose from this web of lies and murder.
But then she nodded, and her blue eyes found mine.
“Your mom and I begged Zach to agree to stay for a few years after she died. So I could be with you until you all were older. And make sure your dad would be all right.” She looked over her shoulder to make sure nobody had followed her.
“But Zach didn’t even consider it. He always hated your dad, and it brought him joy to think about your dad’s struggles and what would become of you kids after Lacey was gone.”
She paused, weighing her words carefully.
“That confrontation between your mom and Zach in the parking lot happened after he'd threatened me. I told him I would leave him. Which, to a man like Zach who had everything handed to him in life, was unthinkable. You don’t leave Zach. Not without his permission. He had a prenup and would’ve left me penniless.
And he swore he would destroy me and your family in court if I ever left him.
Make me look mentally unfit to be around you kids.
He would get the best lawyers in the nation who could keep us in court until we lost everything. ”
Her blond hair shimmered silver in the moonlight as she paused.
“One day,” she said, “when I was throwing away some old clothes of mine, I found an AA meeting sign-in sheet from one of your dad’s sessions. It was in an old coat.” She shook her head. “I mean, what are the odds of that?”
She looked down at the snow. “I remembered your dad telling me at one of the meetings to stay away from this Dustin guy. That he was dangerous and had a record.”
She didn’t have to elaborate more on that point. After she and my mom had come up with the plan to get rid of Zach, Amanda had contacted Billy Dustin to ask if he knew someone who could get the job done. And Billy connected her to Myers. He probably made money off the whole thing too.
“So it was all planned?”
“Yes and no. Not like it happened, I mean. Your mom isn’t some calculating monster.
This guy, Myers, lied to us and completely changed the plan.
Your mom was supposed to get out of the car at the side of the road.
Myers was supposed to take only Zach into the woods.
But he took her too and tried to blackmail her for more money.
Said he would back out. Right in front of Zach.
He overheard the whole thing and attacked your mom. ”
I nodded. Of course Myers had left all of this out. Lying scum.
“Things happened so fast from there. She only brought the knife in case she had to defend herself.”
“Why did you stop talking to us and not help my mom sooner?” I asked.
Amanda looked up at me, then her gaze dropped again in shame.
“It was a lot, you know. The pictures of him. The way Zach died and your mom at the center of it all …”
“Did Dad know?”
She shook her head hard. “No. I swear. He doesn’t even remember Dustin from his AA meetings back then.”
I watched her as she stood shaking in the cold. She was shivering dramatically, her teeth chattering.
I had so many reasons to be mad at her. But, in the end, just like my mom, Amanda had saved our lives.
She was now no more than another tragic woman destroyed by my dad, and Zach before him.
And deep down I believed that she didn’t do all this just to finally be with my dad.
She did it to save us. The kids she loved as much as her own.
I walked up to her and put my jacket over her shoulders. Tucked her into it like she was the child and I the parent.
“Go inside now. It’s cold.”
Her eyes and mouth widened. “You’re … not mad?”
I smiled gently. “No. Not one bit. Go now. We’ll never talk about this ever again.”
She smiled back at me as a tear rolled down her cheek.
“Your mom was right to keep you when everybody told her to get an abortion. It’s like she knew how badly a world full of Zachs and Brians would need a man like you.”
She gently ran her hand over my cheek, the way only a mother does with her child, then turned and rushed back. She was already at the door and reaching for the handle to get back inside when I stopped her.
“Amanda!”
She turned around, and our eyes met.
“If… my mom couldn’t talk after the incident, how do you know what happened that night?”
She stared at me, the smile on her lips never fading.
And I knew the meaning of it.
"Everything your mom ever did was for you. When she died, she had only one wish. That in her next life, she could be your mom again."
Then she opened the door, stepped inside, and closed it behind her.
All the warmth drained out of me, and ice-cold needles stabbed every inch of my heart.
Maybe because I didn’t have a jacket.
Maybe because the cruelest twist of all had just revealed itself to me.
My mom had been able to talk all along.
But in the end, what did it matter?
My mom had sacrificed her soul for me. And I would find her in the next life and be her son again. And the one after that.
I stared through the window and watched Amanda join the others. Filling everyone’s glasses with laughs and jokes.
The world wanted clean stories. Good guys. Bad guys.
But love and family weren’t clean. They weren’t black and white.
We were broken glass.
Shattered by life.
Glittering beautifully when the sun hit us. Yet sharp enough to cut anyone who tried to touch us.
Nothing that happened tonight would change my commitment or my love for my family and mom.
I’d do anything for the people I loved.
And when I said anything …
Just like my mom.
Just like my grandma.
And, apparently, just like Amanda.
I meant it.
"Rest now, Mom. I've got it from here."