Chapter 40
Finley
Today. I’m going to be unemployed starting today. Probably. I called an emergency dinner with Charlotte tonight, and after I confirm with my best friend that I’m not losing my mind, I’m going to press send. Or maybe she’ll help me understand why resigning feels so wrong.
All I have to do is get through the next few hours of meetings. Then I can get away from the nagging pressure in my chest. The constant tremors in my hands. The slight smell of body odor that follows me around now that I’m losing half my body weight in anxious sweats.
“I’m headed to my meeting with Sutton,” I tell Paige as I walk past her and out the door of my office.
“Have fun!” she sings, her tone almost sarcastic. She and Sutton have never gotten along.
I’m walking down the hallway, my tennis shoes squeaking on the clean floors when suddenly my face is planting into a large chest.
“Hey, Coach,” Larsen says, reaching out to steady me.
“Larsen.” I move to step around him.
He steps in front of me. “Do you have a minute?”
“Unfortunately, no. I have a meeting with Dr. Pearce.”
“Well, she and Li just got into an argument about statistical diagonals, so maybe you can spare me a few minutes?”
I look into his unsmiling face. “You know that’s not a real thing, right? Statistical diagonals?”
He shrugs. “It’s as real to me as any other math term.”
“Well, I’d better go anyway,” I announce, starting to walk past him again.
“Don’t leave,” he says.
“What?”
“I had a coach leave after my sophomore year in college, and you’re acting just like he did. You’ve not checked out, but you’re not pushing forward, either. You’re giving off a real about-to-bolt vibe.”
“Larsen, that’s…” I trail off. What?
Exactly correct?
Surprisingly insightful?
Not something I want to talk about?
He holds up a hand. “I just wanted to say, it was a hell of a game. Chaos is unfortunately the one thing you can’t prepare for—trust me, it’s the only reason I’ve made it this far.
” He tugs on the ends of his shaggy brown hair.
“I know you hate losing, but we need you. And next year, we’ll be there.
Because we didn’t fail this year… We just didn’t win.
There’s always the possibility of a bad bounce, but there’s nothing we can do about it. ”
This is not the conversation I need right now. I want to tie up loose ends with Sutton, reread my resignation email for the thousandth time, and go eat tacos with Charlotte.
I don’t want to be lectured by the rookie.
“I… Okay. Well, thanks… I think.”
I pull on the end of my ponytail to tighten it slightly. “Look, Larsen, I’ve got to go. But make sure you keep up your work with Rob over the next few weeks, okay?”
“Sure, Coach. I will.” His smile is almost sad. Like maybe he knows this is goodbye, even if he doesn’t understand why I need to leave.
Larsen may be insightful, but he’s wrong about chaos.
Sure, technically, sticking with the same matchups made the most sense.
Structure and consistency win Cups. It was the safe decision.
And maybe there are moments when choosing the safe option and the right one aren’t the same thing.
Or maybe Larsen’s a meddling twenty-two-year-old who doesn’t know how to stop chirping.
He was still losing teeth—non-permanent ones—when I started coaching.
He’s never had to decide between the safe decision and the right one before.
After finding Sutton red-faced and breathing heavily after her argument with Li, the rest of my day is blissfully uneventful. When I make it back to my office just before three, I’m ready to ditch out early for a drink while I wait for Charlotte.
Unfortunately, the world seems to have other plans, as Sabrina knocks on my door no less than three seconds after I sit down.
“Coach Blake.” Sabrina makes her way straight past Paige and through my open door. “I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve got a little girl here who would like to see you.”
My heart feels lighter as Lilly and her mom follow Sabrina into the room.
Lilly comes in, giving me a shy smile. “Hi.”
“Hi, Lilly, I’m so glad you could come and see me.” I stand to greet them.
“They were here as part of the Wishes and Wings tour this afternoon, and since we, unfortunately, didn’t get to see many of the players, I promised Lilly I’d let her come chat with you,” Sabrina says.
I smile. “I’m so glad you did!” And I really am. My short time with Lilly made a big impact on me. I was worried I might not have the opportunity to see her again.
“I thought your office would be bigger,” Lilly announces, and I laugh as her mom’s face turns a light shade of red.
“I did, too!” I agree, throwing up my hands in mock outrage. “I was promised enough room for my own hot tub.”
I actually have no idea what I would do with more room—I barely know what to do with the space I have now, but I’m willing to play along.
Lilly giggles, the exact reaction I was hoping for.
“But I do have a pretty sweet view of the practice rink.” I point out the tinted window behind my desk. “Want to see?”
She walks over and stares out at the ice. At the other end, the goalie coach is running a practice, despite me giving everyone the next couple of weeks off.
“That’s Volkov,” I say. “And he’s out there with Nyquist, our goalie coach.”
Lilly nods. “I know.”
I love how confident kids are.
“I always wanted to be a goalie,” Lilly murmurs as her mom and Sabrina start talking quietly behind us.
“There’s still time,” I offer, though my heart clenches at the thought that maybe there isn’t. Not for me, at least.
“I don’t know. With me being sick, there’s so much that could go wrong. I think it might just be easier to stop wanting things, you know?”
I squat down to her level, thinking of the conversation I just had with Larsen. “There’s always something that can go wrong. Just look at our game against the Bears. One bad bounce and it’s all over. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try… Though definitely talk to your mom and your doctor first.”
I hope I didn’t just saddle her mom with a big hockey expense and mentally make a note to send them some information about organizations in Denver that teach kids hockey for free.
“Mom gets bummed out when I’m too sick to do the things I want to do, though. I wouldn’t want to make her sad just so I could do what I want.”
This girl sure knows how to tug at the old heartstrings.
“It’s not your job to protect your mom, though. I bet she’d be excited to see you out there, trying something new.”
“Even if I fail?” she asks, and my heart clenches.
“Especially if you fail. That’s how you get better.”
“Have you failed before?” she asks softly.
I nod. “I have.” It’s an honest answer.
“Did you get better?”
No. I didn’t. I’m getting out. I’m… quitting.
“Lilly, it’s time to go, sweetheart,” Lilly’s mom announces as she steps around my desk to stand next to her daughter. “Say thank you to Coach Blake.”
Lilly smiles up at me. “Thanks, Coach Blake. I hope you figure out what you’re supposed to from your failure.”
I force my face into a matching smile and say goodbye through the confusion burrowing its way into my gut, tugging at my mind to reconsider something that I’ve already decided on.
But I can’t help the thought from crossing my mind: What if leaving isn’t the right thing to do?