27. Audrey
AUDREY
PLAYLIST: YOU brOKE ME FIRST – TATE MCRAE
If someone would’ve asked me if I’d ever take another woman here, I would’ve declared that person insane. Because it is insane.
It is insane that I took the woman I fell in love with to the place I proposed to the love of my life. Whose ashes, by all means, rest in peace at exactly this spot.
But the woman sitting next to me right now is just as insane as I am. She also has lost the love of her life. Which makes everything I just said even more insane.
I risk a glance at her; with her dark eyes and the typical hoodie, she looks at me with her big eyes, even wider than usual, because I have said the words that feel all sorts of wrong and right at the same time.
I don’t expect her to say it back. I am not even sure I want her to say anything at all. I am scared. I am scared to death while also feeling relief that it is finally out, even if it makes me feel worse than before.
I avert my eyes and stare back into the night of Los Angeles.
Being back here brings the memories. The number of times Hailey and I snuck up here, the times we met the family here, laughed and cried and danced and screamed. This sign here, it holds our dreams and fears, our love and grief, our friendships and family bonds.
But Hailey is gone, and I am here with Cass.
“I tell myself they would want us to be happy,” I say to take some of the heaviness of what I just said.
“They would,” she says and squeezes my hand. “Elise would. I sometimes hear her in my mind, telling me to get my ass out of the house and stop fucking making everything about her.”
I have to laugh, because I can hear that voice, too. I can still hear Elise in my mind, bossing me around as a five-year-old; she had such a strong personality, and her attitude, damn. It was the reason why I thought she’d be alright. She has always been so strong—
Suddenly, the blare of a police car siren behind us, just once.
“Fuck,” Cass says.
“No worries,” I say, grinning. “It’s family.”
“It is?” she asks incredulously.
The official door leading to the sign opens with a rattling of the chain lock.
“Evening, Officer,” I say without looking.
“You’re back,” says Lorie as she reaches us.
“I’m back,” I say as I get up to hug her. “Cass, Lorie. Lorie, Cass,” I say for introductions.
“The famous Cass,” Lorie says.
“Am I?”
“Damn right you are,” says Lorie. She has this wonderful directness and is also one of the best humans I know with a heart in the right place.
Cass laughs it away. It’s when I understand that she might have a big mouth and many opinions, but in her heart, she’s as insecure as a fifteen-year-old teenager. A little kitten, growling like a lioness for protection. I know a bit about that.
“You can talk to Lorie like you talk to me,” I tell Cass. “She needs to be handled with a strong hand.”
“Gotta be kept in check,” Lorie says, and asks, “Camera is out for three. Are we waiting for the others?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“Whom are we waiting for?” asks Cass, whispering to me.
“Everyone.”
And as if they have timed their arrival perfectly, the sound of a motorcycle trails up the hills. Followed by the V8 gurgling from Jordan’s Chevelle and the distinct sound of the Nissan GTR that usually parks at my house.
“Bells,” I say as she joins us, removing her helmet, and I introduce her to Cass. “You two will like each other. Bells has, aside from her supercharged Kawa Z, a Hellcat, too.”
“You do?” asks Cass while Luke and Tommy arrive.
“Uh-huh,” says Bells. “Currently imprisoned in an impound lot, but yeah.”
“What happened?”
“I might have sped it at 200 over a highway,” she says casually. “The fourth time.”
“Soooo…where exactly is it waiting?” asks Cass, stealing me a quick look.
“San Fernando,” Bells says. “Why?”
“I’d say we’ll get her back tonight,” says Cass, grinning.
“This woman here has a special love for law-breaking stunts,” I say, putting my arm around Cass's shoulders. “She’s your girl for impound lot rescue missions.”
I didn’t plan on doing it.
It just happened.
I risk a glance at her.
Our eyes meet.
A stolen look.
A tugged-up corner of her mouth.
A brush over my hand with her thumb.
“Huh,” says Bells, whose eyes wander from my hand on Cass’s shoulder to my eyes. “So, you two?” she asks.
Cass and I look at each other briefly.
“Yeah,” says Cass. I wouldn’t have dared say it, but apparently we’ll be fucked up together now.
Tommy appears.
“Gotta steal your girl for a moment,” he says and pulls Cass out of my arm. She looks at me, wildly irritated.
“It’s family,” I tell her and shrug.
I stand with Bells, and we both stare into the ocean of the Los Angeles lights at night.
“Hailey would’ve loved it,” Bells then says.
“Would she?” I ask. Bells and everyone else here have watched me crash after everything that happened.
“She soooo would,” she says and gets a beer from her backpack for both of us. “I can see her smile up in the sky seeing us all here together.”
I look at Lorie and Luke laughing.
Tommy shows Cass something on his phone that makes her smile.
Jordan with the music.
Bells and I here.
“Yeah,” I say and look up at the sky.
“Stop punishing yourself for something that’s not your fault,” says Bells. “You’re allowed to find some happiness.”
“I’m scared,” I say, watching Cass and Tommy both laughing heartily now. “I’m scared that if I allow myself to be happy for just one second, everything will be taken from me again, leaving me with nothing but crushed pieces of hope and dreams.”
“That’s the risk of life,” says Bells. “When you ride, you know you might die. You ride anyway. So live. And love. Even if you lose everything again, at least you loved.”
A faint smile hushes over my face.
“When have you become all old and wise?” I ask.
She chuckles darkly.
“During all the nights I cried on the bathroom floor,” she says. “You’re not the only one with issues.”
It’s when I realize I am not the only person who lost Hailey. Bells has lost her best friend. She has lost the baby she was supposed to godmother. We have all lost so many things.
Homes.
Family.
Friends.
And yet, we are still here.
“Go get your girl,” says Bells, pointing to Cass, who stands alone, while Tommy went over to Jordan.
I smile weakly as I walk over to her.
“Everything alright?” I ask Cass as I hug her from behind and sling my arms around her.
“Yeah,” she says.
I breathe in her scent.
“Your hair smells good,” I whisper silently. And then, I kiss down her neck.
She tilts her head and bears me the side of her neck.
She breathes in deep.
“I’m scared too,” she then says silently, and I stop what I am doing. “I’m so scared of losing you too that I’d rather run away than feel that pain again.”
She looks into my eyes over her shoulder.
“I know,” I say and close my arms around her even tighter, even though it hurts like shit on my right side with the burns. “We can be scared together.”
“Okay,” she says.
A moment of silence passes.
“There is something else I have to tell you,” I say after a while.
“Even more?” she asks, sounding exhausted.
“Yeah,” I say as I let go of her. “Probably going to ruin this entire moment.”
She spins around and looks at me with fear in her eyes. But I can’t keep any more secrets. I need a clean slate. A fresh start. And none of it can happen with ghosts of the past haunting us both.
“Elise,” I say. “She was in love with someone else.”