Chapter Seventeen
The flight from Chicago to Sydney, Australia, was long—just over twenty-two hours. Thank God for the bed on board, or I might have lost my mind.
The Rolling Stone interview went well, and the band’s picture made it to the cover, which was a huge milestone.
But I couldn’t bring myself to flip past the front page.
I knew what was inside—Colt, draped over another woman for the sake of an image, a publicity stunt.
And I knew seeing it would only stir up memories I’d rather leave buried.
After landing, we checked in, and, once again, Colt made sure we had a separate suite.
Before I could even unpack, he had to rush off to a meeting, leaving me alone for the last two hours.
Now, finally, he walks into our suite, eyes locked on a brochure, brows furrowed in concentration.
“Hey, babe, how was the meeting with Rob?” I ask, sifting through my suitcase, trying to find something to wear for dinner.
“Yeah, good. He’s impressed with your song, and the guys and I created the backing track. It sounds fucking great. We’re sure it will do well in the charts on release,” he replies, turning a page in the brochure he’s still holding.
“Well, for starters, it’s not my song. You wrote it, not me, but I am proud of you,” I say while throwing a bunch of clothes on the floor.
He looks up from the brochure and smirks at me. “Um… why are you suddenly turning into a teenager and throwing your clothes all over our room? Has my Little Bean sprouted into a full-on rock chick?” The cheeky look on his face is adorable.
I sit on the edge of the bed. “I have nothing to wear,” I say, flopping back onto the mattress.
Colt chuckles. “Baby, you have heaps of clothes. You have more than the other girls.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know, but I’m sick of always wearing the same old boring shit.”
Colt lies down on the bed next to me. “Okay, first of all, you swore, and secondly, you’re a temptress because you know what swearing does to me, and we have no time for me to fuck your brains out ’cause we have to go to this stupid dinner.
And thirdly, after Sydney, we’re going to Melbourne.
We’re there for a few days. You and Anna should go shopping.
Have a girl’s day. I just read this brochure about Melbourne, where there’s a street full of little boutiques and shit for chicks.
Chapel Street or something, I think it’s called.
I can get our driver to take you there, with security, of course, and you can buy yourself some new clothes.
You can buy me some too if you want,” he says, facing me.
“I know your father has limited your monthly allocation, but I don’t want you to worry.
I’ll give you my credit card, and you can get whatever you want.
I don’t care how much you buy or how much you spend.
Have fun. You deserve it. You’ve given me so much. It’s time for me to give back to you.”
I smile and roll on my side to face him, feeling pure happiness. “You would do that for me?”
“Of course, I would. What’s the point of having money if I can’t spend it on those I truly care about?” I run my finger along his jaw. He smiles, and I lean in to kiss him, but he pulls away abruptly and sighs, shaking his head.
“If you start something, I won’t be able to stop.
C’mon, we can’t be late. We’re meeting some bigwig of Australian music for an interview after dinner,” he states, smiling at me and getting up from the bed.
He bends down and picks up my long black dress from the floor, laying it on the bed beside me.
“Wear this with no panties,” he says with a wink before walking into the ensuite.
Shaking my head, I giggle at his demand but do as he says and get dressed, then do my hair and makeup.
***
After a great night out with the band and the interview, I slowly rise from the bed and move toward the ensuite.
Colt’s fast asleep as I tiptoe around him.
Shutting the door, I turn on the light while I use the bathroom.
I casually sit on the toilet, my mind in a sleepy fog, when I realize that I haven’t had my period this month.
Well shit! Now I’m completely awake, and my heart hammers as I try to remember the date in my head.
I’m late.
Goddammit!
After I finish, I go to the sink to wash my hands and my now flaming-hot face with cool water. Staring at myself in the mirror, I look down, resting my hand on my flat stomach.
What the hell am I going to do if I’m…
Don’t say the word, and then it won’t be real.
Holy fuck!
Fucking, fuck, fuck!
Colt won’t even admit he loves me.
Telling him he might be a father? That could be the final push he needs to walk away for good.
I sit on the edge of the bathtub, the cold porcelain against my bare ass sending a shiver up my spine. Dropping my head into my hands, elbows braced against my knees, I try to breathe through the tangle of thoughts crashing into each other.
He hasn’t said the words. I love you. Not once. And I told myself that was okay, that his actions—the way he looks at me, the way he holds me, the song he wrote—those should be enough. But are they?
Because deep down, I know why he hasn’t said it. Macy. She burned him, left scars so deep that even now, years later, he can’t let himself be vulnerable. Can’t bring himself to say what I so desperately need to hear.
And maybe this is my fault.
I told myself it didn’t matter. That I could be patient. That love doesn’t need words when it’s shown in a thousand little ways. But now, with this looming uncertainty in my body, I don’t know if that’s true anymore.
I don’t even know how I feel.
Maybe I should find out for sure before I tell Colt what I think might be happening.
No… what is happening.
To me.
To us.
Suddenly, the ensuite door opens, and I look up at Colt, standing in all his naked glory, squinting because the light is too bright for him. “Baby, you okay?” he asks, walking in and sitting on the tub beside me.
“Yeah, I’m fine, just got a little…” I stumble for the right word, “… h-hot is all. I’m fine. Go back to bed,” I reply, kissing him on his cheek.
He rests a hand on my knee. “Why don’t you come with me? I want your body all over mine.” He smirks.
Even in a crisis, he can calm me without knowing I need calming.
I should tell him, but I’m terrified he’ll run.
I can’t tell him.
I have to find out if it’s true first.
“I’ll be in, in a minute,” I say.
Colt smiles and stands, then walks back into the bedroom.
I splash my face with cold water again, then head back into the bedroom to a waiting Colt on the bed. He takes hold of my knee and pulls my leg over his so I’m practically on top of him.
“Colt.”
“Yeah?”
“I love you,” I say.
He takes hold of my wrist as my hand splays out over his chest and kisses my head. Who knows, this could be the last night I spend with the man I truly love.
Colt quickly falls asleep as I lie awake, thinking of all the possible scenarios of what could happen if I am pregnant.
Then, the ultimate thought crashes through me, unstoppable.
What will Daddy think?
Shit!
I’ve been with Colt for three and a half months, and I might already be knocked up.
That’s not going to go down well.
I have no idea how this even happened. I’m on the pill. But still, it’s never one hundred percent foolproof. Especially with all the drinking, partying, and late nights, maybe I may have missed taking a few pills here and there.
I’m so stupid!
My eyes stay wide open, staring into the blackness of the room as panic claws at my chest. My mind spirals through every scenario, every possible outcome, each one more terrifying than the last.
***
Colt is watching me like a hawk. He knows something’s up, but I’m trying my best to keep my secret under wraps.
We board the jet destined for Melbourne, and Colt takes my hand, dragging me to our usual seats. I sit, and he looks at me with his furrowed brows.
“Dee, how long are you going to keep me in the dark?” he asks quietly while he runs his frustrated hand through his hair.
I furrow my brows. “What do you mean?”
“I know what’s going on. I’m not stupid. Why are you keeping it from me? You can talk to me.”
I tense.
“Keeping what from you?”
“You’re still angry at me for the photo shoot, right? That’s why you’re moping around like a lost puppy.”
I decide to let him think that. It’s easier for him than finding out the alternative.
“I know you were thinking about me, but the image is still in my head, and—”
“Dee, I’m with you. I only want you. No one else comes close. It’s only you, baby,” he says, taking my hand in his and kissing my knuckles.
I nod, and for once, I’m not nervous about flying on the jet.
My nerves about Colt leaving me when he finds out my secret outweigh the jet fear tenfold.
Of course, I can’t take the usual prescribed medication if I’m pregnant, so I tell Colt that I will try without it, seeing as the flight is so short.
In a little over an hour and a half, we arrived in Melbourne and headed straight to the Melbourne Cricket Ground, where the band is playing tonight. The guys are on stage doing sound checks and walking through everything they usually do before a show.
Anna and I sit at the back of the stage chatting, but I feel off. I don’t know whether it’s the undeniable stress of being late or my body changing, but Anna knows something is up either way.
“Earth to Dee… have you even been listening to me?” Anna questions, bringing me back into the moment.
“Sorry, I was miles away.”
“I know, you’ve been weird ever since the photo shoot. Is it still playing on your mind?”
I exhale and rub my temple.
She smiles at me sympathetically and takes my hand in hers. “Dee, tell me, c’mon… woman to woman. What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”