Chapter Twenty-Seven #2
I smile before continuing, “However, I realize how fear would have accompanied your self-discovery. I don’t hate you, Joseph.
If anything, your struggle would have been so hard to hide from me, and I am sad you chose to do that.
I would have understood. I would’ve been supportive.
But you didn’t trust me enough to tell me, and that’s what hurts the most.”
Joseph rubs the back of his neck and exhales deeply. “I know. I really am sorry, Deliah. Forgive me? Please?” he pleads, taking my hand and pressing a gentle kiss to its back.
I smirk, pulling my hand away, and he raises an eyebrow in response.
“I don’t know where that hand’s been, Joseph McCleary,” I say sarcastically. “And can we stop with the posh Deliah name-calling? I can’t stand it. Please call me, Dee.”
He rolls his eyes, and his face flushes. “I’m gay, Deliah, not gutter trash… and Dee… okay, I can lower my standards and call you that.” He chuckles.
“You might like it down here where the standards are lowered, Joseph. It’s way more fun,” I reply, leaning in and hugging him. “Oh, and I am sorry I, ah…well, interrupted. Sounded like you were having a great time.” I smirk, and he slaps me on the arm.
“Dee Norman, you pervert. And yes, I was, thank you. A very good time before you rudely interrupted,” he teases, raising his brows up and down insinuatingly.
“Okay, wow. That’s enough. A girl can only handle so much information until she overloads. Can I crash in the guest room if it’s not too rude to ask? If you and Danny want privacy, please let me know. I will completely understand and find somewhere else—”
“Don’t be ridiculous. This is half your condo, anyway. You belong here as much as I do.” His smile helps a little as he sits back. “So, is it officially off between you and the rock god?” he asks, causing my smile to fade into a frown.
I nod and exhale—words are too painful to utter.
“Well, move back in here, no questions asked. C’mon, I know a pup who’ll be incredibly excited to see you.”
“Oooh, where is she?” I ask, jumping up from the sofa.
He laughs and stands in all his naked glory, then leads me upstairs to our old room.
It feels weird. So much has happened since I last walked into this room.
Danny’s obviously sleeping in our bed, which also seems strange, but I look over in the corner at Princess Sophia’s bed, and there she is, sound asleep.
My eyes well up—I didn’t realize how much I missed her.
“Can I?” I whisper to Danny and Joseph.
They both smile and nod.
I walk over and gently pet Princess Sophia. Her eyes slowly open, and suddenly, she is up and bouncing around everywhere. I laugh, as do the guys, while I sit on the floor, and she jumps into my lap, licking my chin.
In that moment, the weight of the past few days lifts ever so slightly, replaced by the simple joy of being reunited with my gorgeous Yorkipoo.
“Oh, baby girl, I missed you so much. Mummy should never have left you. You precious, precious little girl,” I coo in that silly, high-pitched voice reserved only for pets.
Princess Sophia’s excitement is palpable—her tail wags furiously, and her eyes sparkle with joy.
For the first time in forty-eight hours, a genuine smile spreads across my face, warmth flooding my heart as I hold her close.
After I spend a little more time introducing myself to Danny and apologizing for ‘interrupting’ them, Princess follows me to the guest room. Danny seems lovely, and I can tell by how he looks at Joseph that he’s madly in love with him.
That in itself makes me happy.
Joseph deserves a chance at happiness, and I guess I do too.
But for the moment, I’ll take it day by day.
I remove everything except my underwear. My luggage is still downstairs, and I can’t be bothered retrieving it. I’ve been awake for over twenty-four hours and am beyond emotionally and physically exhausted. Sliding into the guest bed, I roll over, taking my cell phone from the nightstand.
The screen reads thirty-eight missed calls.
When I arrived at the airport, I put my phone on silent.
I guess someone has woken up.
I wonder what he’s doing now?
Is he thinking of me?
Or is he fucking her?
Anger bubbles away, and I set my cell back on the nightstand. I roll over and huff before Princess jumps on the bed, snuggling into my chest.
This is what I need.
My cell vibrates like someone is calling, but I close my eyes and hold on to the one thing in this world that’s never lied, cheated, or hurt me—my precious Princess Sophia.
Before I even have a chance to wipe away a stray tear falling down my cheek, I drift into black.
***
A commotion going on downstairs wakes me, and I’m beyond exhausted, so I don’t bother to listen, as I am sure Joseph will be handling whatever the issue is.
Footsteps and yelling are coming up the stairs, and I can no longer ignore them. I open my tired eyes and look at my bedroom door in time to see it fling open. He is standing there, and Joseph is yelling at him. “Get the hell out of our house.”
I sit bolt upright as his eyes lock onto mine. My breathing hitches, and he walks into my room, shutting the door in Joseph’s face.
“How did you find me?” I ask breathlessly as he rushes across to the bed. I’m too shocked to protest when he sits beside me, caresses my cheek with his hand, and then rests his forehead against mine.
Why doesn’t that hurt?
My breathing is rushed, and his chest is heaving like he’s been running.
“I will always find you, Dee. Until the end of time, remember?” he reminds me, his lips touching mine as he lowers me back to the bed. My hands scrunch in his hair as that all-too-familiar tingle ignites in my core whenever he touches me.
He pulls away, our breathing rushed and hard, and he looks me directly into my eyes. His eyes appear so full of remorse, and there’s also a bit of fear in them.
I hear knocking on my door, but I don’t break eye contact with him.
Knock. Knock.
“Dee?” I hear Joseph call out, but I ignore him.
“Dee, baby, I’ve needed to tell you this for a really long time,” he says, then swallows hard.
“Okay?” I whisper breathlessly.
Knock. Knock.
My heart is pounding. I know what he’s going to say and how hard it is for him to say it, but I can’t wait to hear the words from his lips.
“Dee, baby, I love—”
“Sweetie, are you okay?” I hear Joseph say as the image of him fades, and my eyes open to see Joseph sitting on my bed, caressing my cheek. My heart splinters, and the shards stab into my chest wall repeatedly, causing all breath to vanish.
Even in my dreams, I don’t hear him say those three precious words I’m desperate to hear.
“Hey, it’s okay, Dee. It was just a dream,” Joseph declares before I wake fully.
Quickly, I close my eyes tight to try and get the image of him back in my mind, but it’s all for naught. He’s gone, and it’s like losing him all over again.
“Dee, you’ve been in bed for hours. It’s almost dinner time. Do you want to come down and have something to eat with Danny and me?” Joseph asks quietly.
I can’t fight back the tears.
I shake my head.
Food is the last thing I want or need.
“You should eat something,” Joseph says, wiping a tear from my cheek. I feel heavy like I’m made of stone. Every time I move, something aches or hurts. I shake my head and close my eyes, rolling away from him.
Joseph exhales and rubs my arm. “Okay, well, we’re here.
Danny and I have both called in to work and taken some leave.
We’ll be here if you need us for the next two weeks and beyond.
We’re here for as long as you need us. I love you, Dee, and it kills me to see you like this.
” He pulls the blanket up and kisses my head, then releases a shaky exhale before standing and walking out of my room.
I’m alone.
Again.
With my thoughts of him.
I feel like I should be crying harder than I am, like I should hate him, but all I seem to be doing is imagining him lying in bed right here next to me. Imagining his scent. The taste of his lips. The sound of his voice as he hums me to sleep.
God, I miss him.
My cell vibrates on the nightstand.
With a deep sigh, I turn over to check it, and it’s him calling again.
I let it ring out.
There’s no point.
I miss him.
I love him.
I want to hear his voice so badly, but I can’t forgive him.
And that’s what stops me from answering his calls.
I watch the touchscreen as his picture and name disappear, and the vibration stops. Twenty-four missed calls show up, and I swallow hard, letting the phone slip back on the stand. I turn over, and it vibrates again, but I close my eyes tight, concentrating on my breathing.
I should turn the phone off, but knowing he’s calling makes me feel something for some reason. I don’t know what it is, I can’t describe it, but I can’t feel anything else except my body aching and my head hurting.
My soul has left me, and I’m a shell. A vast pit of endless black where love and happiness once resided, but now only emptiness lives, and his phone calls are the speck of light in the never-ending darkness.
The bed dips, and Princess walks up to me. She must know when I need her. The beautiful girl snuggles into me while I hold on to her for comfort. I don’t know how long it’s been. I’m not thinking or feeling, just staring at the wall.
When the door creaks, I turn over.
Joseph is walking in with a tray of food.
I exhale and roll back over to wall-watch.
Joseph sighs and places the tray on what I assume is the desk.
“Dee, I know you don’t feel like eating, but I brought toast and tea.
It’s just the way you like it, with lots of butter and no crusts.
I’ll leave it here, and you can have it when you’re ready.
We’ll be downstairs if you need us,” he says, then leaves.
He doesn’t completely shut the door, but enough so that the light doesn't enter.
The aroma from the toast is churning my stomach, so I pull the blanket over my head and close my eyes, hoping to get a vision of him.
I remain in my bed for…
I don’t even know how long.
Joseph keeps bringing me trays of food that I don’t eat. I drink a bit of orange juice now and then, but I can only stomach that without gagging.
I am weaker than I ever have been.
Even the time I had that dreaded Epstein-Barr virus for two months.
When the door creeps open again, I don’t even bother to roll over.
I don’t have the energy. Another tray is being placed on the desk, and then the bed dips behind me.
I close my eyes and imagine that it’s him.
His hand runs along my arm, and I hear him exhale, but it’s not the way he exhales.
The image of him is forced from my mind again as Joseph lies down behind me, wrapping his arm around my waist. But they aren’t the arms I need, aren’t the arms I so desperately crave.
“Dee, we need to talk,” Joseph says as I lean into him.
Even though he isn’t him, having someone touch me is nice.
“If you don’t want to talk, then maybe you can listen,” he says sternly.
Closing my eyes, I wait for the lecture I knew would come sooner or later.
“I love you, but you stink,” Joseph says.
Okay, that’s not what I was expecting.
I open my eyes and turn to face Joseph. He looks worried and sleep-deprived as he reaches out to caress my cheek.
“I don’t stink,” I argue, my first words in I don’t even know how long.
He screws his nose up and smirks. “Sorry to tell you this, but you really do. And that breath of yours could do with some mouthwash and about ten years of brushing,” he states.
“Shut up,” I reply, and he covers his nose with his hand.
I roll my eyes, and he pulls me into his chest.
“Seeing as I have you talking again, I’d like to make it two for two and get you something to eat.
Or even better, I’d like you to get out of this bed for something other than the bathroom and come down and meet Danny properly.
I know he’s worried about you and would like to get to know his new housemate.
You know, the stinky girl who doesn’t eat, talk, shower, or come out of her room for five damn days,” he says with a chuckle.
So now I realize how long I’ve been holed up in this room, wasting away to nothing.
“Dee, you’ve had your grieving. Now, it’s time for you to start functioning again. To start, slowly building yourself back up. With my help, I promise,” he says, kissing my cheek.
“When you’re ready, Danny and I are making Indian for dinner. Butter Chicken, Chicken Tikka, Lamb Rogan Josh, Saffron Rice, Raita, delicious cheesy Garlic Naan, any of this tempting you?” he asks, knowing they are all my favorite Indian dishes.
For the first time since this blackness engulfed me, the thought of food doesn’t disgust me.
“I don’t know,” I say, cuddling into Joseph’s chest.
He exhales. “Okay, well… I’ll be downstairs dishing up. It’s practically ready, so if you feel like gracing us with your filthy presence, we’ll be glad to have you.” He presses a kiss to my forehead before unwrapping his arms from around me.
The warmth of him lingers for a heartbeat—then it’s gone.
And I mourn the loss as he walks out of my room.