Chapter 37
REESE
I’d pushed him too far.
Seeing the empty steps across the street when I turned the corner, sadness washed over me.
My heart lumped in my throat, leaving my chest to feel hollow.
Last week I’d given Chase an ultimatum and threatened to move on without him.
I’d hoped planting the visual of my sleeping with another man might jolt him.
If he really cared about me, felt a fraction of what I felt for him, there’s no way that wouldn’t affect him.
When another week went by and he still sat across the street with no sign of coming back to me, I thought perhaps reality might set in if he saw me go out on a date in person.
Which is why when Owen asked me out to dinner and a movie again tonight, I saw it as the perfect opportunity.
Chase had no idea the tall, handsome thirty year old was my brother.
Unfortunately, my plan seemed to have backfired. My guard was gone.
For the entire walk down my street, I couldn’t stop staring at the steps. When he was there, I had hope. Now vacant, that light of hope had been extinguished. The stairs were a metaphor for how I felt—empty.
The thought of going back to my apartment, sleeping in the bed where we’d spent nights making love, made me dread going home.
I looped my arm through my brother’s as we walked the rest of the way.
He was still wearing his Access glasses from the movie we’d gone to after dinner.
When the IMAX theater started to show movies that could be enjoyed by the deaf with special closed-captioned glasses that projected the dialogue from the movie ten feet in front of the wearer, I had to buy him his own pair.
The spectacles looked like a cross between typical plastic 3-D movie glasses and old-school BluBlockers.
Yet no one looked twice as we walked down the street at midnight in New York.
I didn’t bother to tell Owen it wasn’t necessary to walk me up.
He’d always done it, and he’d cover the interior inspection for me, too.
Chase was the only other person who’d figured out it was so important to me and insisted on handling it.
I sighed audibly in the elevator at the thought.
Tonight was not going to be easy. It felt like losing Chase all over again now that he was gone.
I exited the elevator with heavy footsteps and Owen close behind me. But I froze as soon as I turned toward my door, leaving my brother to walk right into me.
The heart that was stuck in my throat slid down to my chest and started beating again. And it seemed to be making up for lost time because it was hammering away.
“Chase?”
He was leaning against the wall next to my apartment door, looking down.
When he looked up, I had to take a deep breath to steady myself.
Even worn and tired, he was still the most beautiful man I’d ever seen.
His eyes were glassy, and I wondered if he was drunk.
Is that what he’s here for? Showing up at my apartment only because he’s been drinking?
I’d forgotten Owen was behind me until I felt the hand on my shoulder squeeze. Apparently Chase noticed the man behind me for the first time because I watched his eyes rise over my shoulder and his jaw clench.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. I still hadn’t moved, leaving an awkward fifteen feet between us.
“Can we talk?” Chase asked.
“Umm…sure.” It took another few seconds before I could figure out how to make my feet move. Then, hesitantly, I took a few steps.
When I reached the door, Chase caught my eye.
“Alone,” he clarified.
Reaching into my purse, I took out my keys and offered them to him, tilting my head toward the door. “Go ahead in. Give me a few minutes.”
For a second, he glared at Owen, and I thought something ugly was going to happen. But eventually he nodded, unlocked the door, and went inside.
It took a few minutes to assure my big brother that I would be fine. I’d already told him about Chase, but being overprotective, he found it difficult to walk away. I kissed him on the cheek and promised to text him within an hour. Otherwise, he assured me, he’d be back at my door.
When I was finally alone in the hallway, I took some time to gather myself. Eventually, I smoothed my dress, summoned my courage, and walked into my apartment.
Chase was sitting on the couch when I walked in. A creature of habit, I immediately turned to the coat closet and slipped off my sweater, even though I didn’t keep it there.
“I already did it. Twice.” He offered a smile, but I could see the sadness looming behind it.
God, please don’t break my heart. Again.
“Would you like a glass of wine?” I walked to the kitchen to pour myself some. To the brim. Maybe even drink from the bottle.
“No, thanks.”
I felt his eyes on me as I maneuvered my way through the kitchen. When I was done, I stuttered before choosing a seat. Deciding on the chair, rather than the couch next to Chase, I sat and sipped my wine.
He waited patiently until I gave him my attention. “Come here.”
I closed my eyes. There was nowhere I’d rather be than right next to him, but I needed to know what he was here for. What this was.
“Why?” I sipped my wine again so I had an excuse to look away.
“Because I need you near me.”
I looked at him. Still debating, still unsure.
“Because I miss you. I miss you so goddamn much, Reese.”
I had to swallow because tears of happiness were starting to threaten. Yet I was still afraid. There was something he still needed to do. I couldn’t allow myself to get sucked back in unless he gave me everything. He was an all-or-nothing for me.
I moved to the couch, and Chase took the wine from my hand, setting it on the table. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled my body close against his. I could barely breathe, he held me so tight. Yet it felt so good to be back in his arms. So right.
“I’m so sorry, Reese. So sorry I hurt you,” he mumbled into my hair.
After a long time, he pulled back so we could face each other. His eyes searched mine, looking for something. Assurance, maybe?
Finding whatever he needed, he cleared his throat and spoke softly.
“When I was twelve, I bought an old Swiss Army knife at a garage sale. Carried the thing with me for years.” He paused and looked down.
Taking my right hand in his, he ran his thumb over my scar repeatedly.
When he looked back up at me, there were tears in his eyes.
“I gave it to Eddie. The homeless guy Peyton was trying to help.” His voice broke.
“I thought he could use it to defend himself in an emergency.”
The pain in his voice was unbearable. I wanted to do something to soothe him, bring him comfort.
But I knew he needed to get it out. It wasn’t just a hurdle for our relationship; it was a monumental step for his healing.
And I wanted that more than anything. I squeezed his hand and gave him a small nod.
“All these years, we thought it was a group of teenagers beating up on homeless people who killed Peyton, that she was caught in the crossfire of an attack on Eddie.” He took a deep breath in and released it with a whoosh.
“It wasn’t. It was Eddie who killed her.
” He looked down and squeezed my hand, then his eyes came back to mine.
“With the knife I gave him. It was my knife that killed her.”
I might not have been the one cut, but I felt gutted nonetheless. Tears streamed down my face. “I left the door open, and my brother can’t hear.”
Chase wiped my tears with his thumbs as he took my face in his hands. “It’s not your fault.”
I looked into his eyes. “It’s not yours either.”
***
Hours later, I was physically and emotionally exhausted.
Once the cork had come out of the bottle, Chase completely opened up.
We talked more about Peyton and Eddie, and I told him details of the night Owen and I had walked in on our home being robbed.
I admitted things to him that I’d barely even admitted to myself—how the guilt had affected me, and how I’d gone through bouts of depression growing up.
It was important for him to know he wasn’t alone, and I didn’t expect him to heal overnight.
I’d just gone to the bathroom, answered a concerned FaceConnect video call from my brother—whom I’d forgotten to text—and come back to sit on the couch. Before my ass hit the pillow, Chase grabbed me and pulled me into his lap. The smile on his face was beautiful and real.
He pressed his lips together, then leaned his forehead against mine. “Would you really have gone to Chicago?”
“Chicago? For what?”
“Pink Cosmetics. The job you applied for?”
I furrowed my brow. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I didn’t apply for a job with Pink. Actually, I haven’t applied anywhere.
I have money saved and decided to take a little time off before making any career decisions.
I’m kicking around starting my own small marketing firm with my friend Jules, who you met.
We talked about it last year before I left Fresh Look, and I wasn’t ready.
But it sort of feels right now.” I paused.
“What made you think I was going to move to Chicago?”
“They called for a reference.”
“That’s odd.”
Chase closed his eyes and chuckled, shaking his head. “Sam.”
“Sam?”
“I never actually spoke to them. Sam told me they’d called for a reference as I was getting ready to leave the other day.”
“I don’t understand.”
“She was lighting a fire under my ass. Knew it would push me to get over my issues.”
“Oooh…and here I thought it was my hot date that pushed you over the edge.”
“I almost lost it at the Italian place, watching him put his hands all over your face.”
My eyes widened. “You followed me?”
“Just tonight. I was going crazy watching you go out with that guy again. Do you remember what you told me last week before you stopped speaking to me?”
Of course I do. “What?”