34. Veronica
Another morning lying in bed with my journal open, struggling to write a single word. All of these thoughts running around my head, yet nothing will transmit from my brain down to my fingers.
Tossing the pen to my side, I groan from being unable to gather my thoughts like normal. I used to write in my journal every day! Sometimes even twice a day. This is his doing. He’s got my head more fucked up than usual.
I counted to 100 after he told me to. Actually, I counted to 150 to be on the safe side. That, and the fact that I couldn’t get myself to move. I was still in shock that he fucked me in the janitor”s closet, of all places. It’s not where I thought we would have our first time, but stranger things have happened.
No one was in the hall once I popped out of the closet and went to my bedroom. I spent the rest of the day staring up at the cracks in my ceiling, replaying the sex in my head like a movie reel. I had forgotten how good it felt.
How addicting it was.
Paired with the ceiling staring, I kept taking glances at my wrist. The indents from the zip tie—the red tint to my skin from the plastic. If this is how my wrists looked, then I’m sure my face matched the color of his belt because of the pressure on it.
My eyes slide to my arms, the redness dying down more than yesterday. The indents are still there, but you wouldn’t notice them unless you focused entirely on the area. My face, however? Who knows if it’s still red? I would assume not. The belt was tight, but not as tight as the zip ties.
Sighing, I sit up and stash the journal away in its safe space. The guards never bother to search our rooms unless, of course, we give them a reason to.
That’s why I was so worried when I was sent to solitary. With how violent I had gotten, I was afraid they were going to search my room for whatever reason they had.
However, there was nothing to worry about since the journal was still in the same place I had left it.
Kneeling before the safe spot, my chest tightens, and the air in the bedroom becomes stuffy, making breathing difficult. I need to get out of here. I can’t spend another day hiding out here, or I’ll lose my mind.
Going over to the drawer, I grab a white tank top and throw a cardigan over it, having to hide my wrists. As the sweatpants slide up my legs, I can’t help but sigh at the content of the cozy material. They’ve always been comfortable, but Dr. Bennett even provided us with pairs of fleece for when it’s cold in the building.
Always wanting us to be comfortable.
The common room is unusually busy. My eyes lift to the clock hanging on the back wall to see it is already noon. The prime time to be in here. Hushed voices, eyes diverting from their friends to stare at me, but I couldn’t be bothered. I just had the best sex of my life, and I’ll be damned if I let someone ruin my mood.
Eliza is sitting at the piano, playing the song I hate listening to. Not even that is going to tamper my mood. I take it upon myself to join her.
Gasps are heard across the room since I willingly sat with someone. Ignoring them, I watch her fingers move across the ivory keys as if she has been doing this her entire life.
“I took lessons,” she speaks up, reading my mind without even glancing my way. “My mother put me in them when I was young because her mother forced her into it.”
She doesn’t stop playing as I ask, “So she forced you into it?”
She gives a simple nod as her left hand dives toward the left side of the keys. “At first, I hated it. It was awful. My teacher”s face showed me how bad my lack of ability was. It always scrunched up like someone trailed their nails down a chalkboard.”
I smile because my piano teacher looked at me the same. “Look at you now, though. You sound great.” Her fingers freeze mid-song, and her head whips in my direction. Her eyes widen, and her brown cheeks flush a shade of pink. Eliza”s expressions holds something between shock and embarrassment. “Take the compliment.”
Her skin slowly returns to its original shade before she smiles and continues to play. “It took a while for me to get to this point. I was never a quick learner, which infuriated my teacher, but I had this drive to make my mother proud. I always wanted her to be proud of me.”
She and I both. What I wouldn’t have given to hear those words from my mom.
“I got better. Good enough to have recitals. My teacher was proud, but I didn’t care about her.” A sad smile forms on her face. “All that mattered was the look in my mother”s eyes after I finished the last song. I stood up and took a bow while the crowd cheered for me. Their clapping hands echoed off the theater walls. The sound was muffled as I scanned the audience for my mother, who, when I found her, had the biggest smile on her face and tears in her eyes as she clapped along with them.”
I roll my jaw, imagining what a monumental moment that would have been if maybe I continued with lessons and gotten better.
What else would I have had to do to earn that look from my mother? Or from my father, for that matter?
Stephanie used to look at me like that, even if it was because I managed not to burn anything when she taught me to cook Spaghettio’s when I was six. Our parents never wanted us to eat that shit. They said it was poor people”s food.
Stephanie got her hands on a can while staying at a friend”s house. A friend that she had to lie to our parents about because they would have never allowed that friendship.
She stole the food, and if only my parents knew. It was easy to make, and it tasted good. It made me mad my parents wouldn’t let us have it.
“Did you play any instruments other than the piano?” Her question jolts me out of memory. It confuses me initially, but then I figure she was probably there when I played.
“Only the piano,” I answer. “Like yours, my mom forced me into it. She thought it would help turn me into a proper young lady.”
Eliza’s lips form a tight smile before repeating my earlier words. “Look at you now.”
“Look at me now.” I chuckle under my breath at her words. I’m far from that proper young woman my mom wanted me to be. “Does anyone ever come to visit you?”
Her fingers slow even though the song she is playing is cheerful. The speed at which she plays and the out-of-tune piano sound make it dreary. “No. If my mother were still alive, she might have come to see me.”
A pang in my chest happened—a feeling I wasn’t used to and wasn’t aware could happen to me.
“But then again, if I got sent here after killing him and she was still alive, I’m not sure she would want to. She was so blinded by her love for him. He couldn’t possibly do anything bad. Even when he beat her.” Her body shivered at the memory.
“Sounds like my sister.” The words come out before I register what I’m saying. Shit. I didn’t want her to know anything about my past, although she had spilled everything on me. “Why were you so insistent on being my friend?”
“Do you want the truth?” She peeks over at me to see my head nod. “When I got here, there were whispers about you—that you were the one to watch out for.” The knowledge makes me grin. “I was fragile . . . I’m still fragile, so I figured if I befriended you, none of the other patients would pick on me.”
I allow her words to sink in before I speak. “Protection?”
“It’s stupid, I know, asking the scariest patient in this ward to be friends with me for my own personal reasons.” She pauses for a moment. “When you pulled that knife on me, I realized it would never happen.”
I don’t apologize for that. I don’t want her to think I’m going soft. I mean, I already complimented her. “I don’t do friends.”
“I know.”
“It’s just easier to be alone.”
“I get it,” she states, but not in a mean way; more of an understanding way. “You’ve been kinder than normal to me lately. Talking with me and whatnot. I’ll take that over a true friendship because if it isn’t something you want, Veronica, then I’m not going to force you to be friends with me.”
Nodding slightly, I stand from my seat as she continues with her song. She scoots over to the middle of the bench, taking half of my spot while she picks up the speed.
I stand there for a moment, thoughts running through my head about everything she said to me.
“Eliza?” Her name is quiet, and I’m unsure if she even heard me, but then she glances up at me. “You’re not fragile. I’m not sure who told you that you were, and we may not be friends, but I’ll always have your back.” Something flashes over her face. Gratitude. “Let me know if someone gives you any issues, and I’ll handle it.”
“Thank you.”
Not saying anything else, I turn to leave the room when I see Leo standing in the doorway. The sight of him sends chills through my whole body. I remember how he felt inside of me, wanting that to happen again today, tomorrow, and the next day.
His eyes find mine, and he swallows hard. His head jerks to the side, gesturing for me to come with him, and with no hesitation, I do.
“Have a seat,” he tells me as he shuts the office door.
He sounds professional, which leads me to believe this is a normal session.
Shame.
I sit down as he paces behind his chair, not taking his own seat. Running his hand over his mouth and through his hair, the look in his eyes tells me he is at war in his mind. “Are we going to talk about my problems today or yours?”
He halts his steps, gazing over at me. “What?”
“Seems that you have a lot on your mind.”
His teeth clench, and then words spill out, “We didn’t use a condom.”
“I’m aware.”
“You’re not on birth control,” he points out.
“Obviously,” I state.
The panic in his voice, his face... he is worried that I’ll get pregnant, and oh, what a scandal that would be. Pregnancy isn’t an option, and it isn’t part of the plan. Why would I be dumb enough to put myself and him in that position when I desperately want out of this hell?
Which is why he needs to know the truth.
“We can’t… if you accidentally... if I get you pregnant,” He is in full freak-out mode.
“Leo.” I attempt to pull him out of his mind, but he keeps stammering on and on. Rolling my eyes, I raise my voice. “Leo!”
His mouth shuts, eyes falling on where I am sitting. “Sorry, I’m sort of losing it over here.”
“I see that.” I shake my head with a laugh. “You don’t have to worry about it, though. I can’t get pregnant.”
A crease forms between his brows. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, I can’t get pregnant. It is physically and medically impossible for me to.”
It’s the truth. At one of my annual checkups, the doctor saw something that concerned them. They ran tests and concluded that I could never carry and birth a child of my own. My mother was more heartbroken than I was. I never even wanted kids, anyway.
“That’s...”
“Don’t you dare say sad.” I point my finger at him. “I don’t want your sympathy. It’s not like I wanted kids.”
He finally moves from his spot, taking his seat. “You don’t?”
“Hell no!” I laugh again. “Could you imagine me as a mom?”
“Maybe.”
I shake my head. “No kids for me, so you don’t have to worry about accidentally getting me pregnant. Now that it’s settled, we can go back to having sex. Is that the only reason you wanted me to come by your office? To discuss this?”
“No. I figured we were due for a real session.” He pulls out a notepad. “It’s been a while.”
I roll my eyes, not wanting to talk about my feelings and my past. I’ve had enough sad stories from Eliza to last me the rest of the week. “If we must.”
“Did you ever finish that letter for your sister?”
That felt like so long ago he asked me to do that. “No. I couldn’t find the right words to say, so I didn’t write anything.”
He jots something down. “That’s fine. You gave it thought, and that’s what matters. Maybe in a couple of months, you’ll change your mind.”
“Not likely.” I sink into the chair. “If she wanted to hear from me, she would have reached out. She would come to see me.”
He lifts his eyes. “Would you want her to visit you?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. It would be nice to see her, but then again, I don’t want to see that disappointment in her eyes. It would haunt me.”
“Or it could help.”
“Help what? Heal me?” I scoff and roll my eyes. “Seeing my sister isn’t going to magically turn things around and make her realize what I did wasn’t wrong.”
He cracks his neck, relieving tension. “I’m not saying it would. What I’m saying is that maybe if the two of you can somehow talk everything over, then you could have that relationship you once had.”
I chew on my bottom lip, my eyes dropping to my lap. “We wouldn’t be able to get back to that,” I say.
“You wouldn’t know unless you tried.” Why is he pushing this?
“I’ll think about it,” I lie to give him some peace of mind. “Next order of business.”
He purses his lips, nodding. “How have you been feeling since getting out of solitary?”
It turns out I won’t like anything he wants to talk about today. “Better. I”m more like myself, but I guess I have you to thank for that.”
There was flirtation in my voice, and he caught on when I was talking about what happened in the janitor”s closet. “We aren’t going to talk about that today, Veronica.”
“Why not?” I pout.
He inhales a deep breath. “Because if we do, I’ll want to bend you over this desk. We need to have the sessions I was hired for.”
My cheeks flush, my skin getting hot as I let my eyes fall to the desk, imagining all the things he could do to me in his office. The dirty things he could do to me on his clean desk, up against the bookshelves, the window seat between said shelves.
I sense my skin growing hotter. Sure, a bright red tint flushes the paleness, and I know he sees it. Leo’s eyes trail over my face and down my body but stop when he watches me press my thighs together.
His breathing stutters, wetting his lips before diverting his gaze from me.
“I’m glad you are feeling more yourself.” He changes the subject. “Were you giving Eliza a hard time today?”
“Hmm?” I hum, still in my thoughts.
“When I entered the common room to find you, you had been sitting with her.”
“Oh, no, I wasn’t giving her a hard time.” I sigh in annoyance. “In fact, I was kind of nice to her.”
He slides his eyes to meet my face. “You sound agitated that you were nice.”
“I am! I mean, I didn’t say much, but what I did say was enough for me to hate myself for saying them.”
“And what did you say to her?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “It’s a secret. I can’t go blabbing the few nice words I have in my body to anyone. Besides, she did most of the talking, anyway. Telling me all about her childhood past, I almost slipped up and told her about my sister.”
His brows furrow. “You don’t want to talk to her about Stephanie?”
“I don’t even want to talk to you about Stephanie. I stopped myself from telling her too much.”
“It wouldn’t be the world”s end if you opened up to her.”
“Eh, I opened up to you, and that alone makes it feel like my world is off-kilter.”
A smirk plays on his face. “That’s what happens when you let things out, Veronica. All this stress and pressure of holding everything in. For some people, it can feel like the weight of that world is lifted off their shoulders from talking about it all. For others, feeling those types of things is so unusual that it throws them for a loop.” He folds his hands together. “Eventually, it will play out, turning your world upright and allowing you to focus clearly. Allowing you to breathe again, but if not, you’ll stay trapped underwater.”
I take in his words, knowing that he is right. It wouldn’t hurt to open up more, and maybe, just maybe, it would make me feel different. What if I don’t want to feel different, though? What if I like the way I am?
“And if I enjoy drowning?”
Leo stares at me for a moment. Then, a moment longer, he compiles his thoughts.
“If you like drowning, you are free to stay in the deepest parts of the water. A person won’t get better unless it’s them who kicks their feet to help them toward the surface. A person has to want to reach the top and suck in that sharp breath of air to refill their lungs of what was missing. No one will force someone to save themselves because that’s not how it works. It will push them away unless the person who wants to help comes at the right time.”
He came at the right time.
He just doesn’t know it.
“So, it’s a waiting game?” I question.
“I suppose it is.” He unclasps his hands, settling back into his seat. “But just know, Veronica, that when you are ready to kick off the bottom and resurface, I’m here for you.”
My teeth clench, something swarming in my chest, and I push it away.Far away.
“Good to know.”
He nods in response, not elaborating anymore than he needs to. He shuts his eyes, making me wonder what he is thinking about. Is he reminiscing on the sex in the closet, or is he annoyed that it’s taking him so long to get through to me?
“I’ll be gone at the end of the week.”
His words hit me hard in the chest. “You’re leaving me?”
Leo snaps his eyes open, assessing the worried expression that must be plastered on my face, which matches my tone.
“Not forever, Vee. It’s my mother”s birthday, and I want to see her.” How nice it must be to come and go freely. “It will only be for a few days, and while I’m gone, you will see Dr. Carlson. I’ll update her on?—”
“No.” The word was sharp on my tongue.
“Veronica.”
“I’m not seeing another Doctor, Leo. I’ll skip my sessions while you are gone.”
“Sadly, that’s not an option. Skipping a session will delay your progress.” His face is full of concern mixed with sadness. I hate it.
“Says the man who canceled a session before.” I shoot daggers at him.
He sighs. “That’s not fair. That was when?—”
“When you couldn’t sort out your feelings while around me.” I let out a breathy laugh. “Yeah, I know.”
His jaw tenses. “You will see another doctor while I’m away.”
My gaze levels on his, eyes hardening. “And if I don’t listen?”
This isn’t hoping he’d punish me. No, I couldn”t care less about that right now. I’m pissed at the fact that he expects me to sit down with someone who knows nothing about me. But then it infuriates me that he is willing to share my files with another doctor when it’s none of their goddamn business.
Leo inhales deeply through his nose. “Then that is something we will discuss when I return.”
The office is silent except for our labored breathing. I feel anger, although I would have liked it to be something else. “I’d rather spend more time with the darkness in solitary before I sit down with another Doctor.”
He sees my eyes shine with the idea before it registers in my head. I push out of my chair, hurrying to the door and yanking it open. His loud footsteps trail behind me, getting closer and closer as I reach for the handle on the door at the end of the hall.
As I try to reach out for it, his hands grab at my waist, and he is pulling me into him. Our bodies collide softly, and I immediately try to escape his hold.
Of course, he is stronger than me. He backs away with his arms wrapped around me, heading back to his office as I attempt to dig my shoes into the ground.
“Leo, let go of me!” I demand angrily, but he doesn’t speak as he continues to where we came from. My shoes squeak on the tile flooring, leaving scuff marks behind. I’m being tossed back into his office, the door slamming shut, and Leo stands in front of it. Blocking my exit. “Let me out!”
“No.” His arms folding over his chest.
A furious grunt sounds from my mouth, and I rush him, attempting to push him out of the way. He doesn’t move, so I try to go around him.
Again, no luck because he is wrapping his fingers around my upper arm, twirling us around until my back hits the door. His eyes are wild, as if he were the one who might snap.
“Leo,” I growl.
“I’m not letting you out of here until you promise me you won’t do anything stupid.” His dark eyes search mine frantically. “I’m not going another week worrying about your well-being while you’re down there alone.”
The whole time I stayed down there, he had been up here worrying about me? At the thought, my body relaxes, the door behind me becoming more comfortable. As he sees me relax, he lets out a breath of relief, his forehead dropping to mine.
“Promise me, Vee,” he whispers, his lips hovering slightly over mine.
“I can’t promise that,” I say lightly. Leo pulls back, looking down at me. “I am me, after all. A woman who doesn’t listen, who gets angry at the drop of a hat.” My hands lift, cupping his cheeks. “I can’t promise I won’t be me, but I can promise that while you’re away, you won’t have any reason to worry about me.”
Leo scans my face for a lie, but he won’t find one. I am telling the truth, just not letting him in on the whole truth. He nods, dipping down to press a soft kiss to my lips.
I never expected this whole thing to get intimate between us so fast. It’s been three and a half months since he’s been here, and I was prepared for it to take me a full year to get him comfortable like this with me.
A light knock sounds behind me, someone interrupting this moment. Leo takes a step back, allowing me to move from the door. I stand behind him as the wooden structure opens, Myles and Scarlet standing there.
Myles sees me standing behind Leo, with Scarlet, who speaks first. “Sorry, we didn’t know you’d be in the middle of a session.”
“It’s alright. We were finishing up,” Leo responds as Myles”s eyes go back and forth between us.
“I was planning on walking Myles around the outside of the building. We were going to see if you’d like to join us,” Scarlet asks while I glance over at Myles. I told him to be careful of her, and here he is.
“Uh...” Leo scratches the back of his head. “Sure.”
“Perfect!” Scarlet beams, eyes falling on me briefly before returning to Leo.
The pair remove themselves from the doorway, Leo ushering me out of the office. We walk silently while Myles and Scarlet converse in front of us. When that second door opens, the two head towards the lobby, Leo staying in his spot as I go to leave.
I halt, sensing him still staring at me. When I turn, he has that pleading look on his face.
“No worrying,” I reassure him.
He inhales deeply, then he joins his friend and the bitch.I keep my pace normal, not in a rush to get where I’m going.
By the looks of the cafeteria and common room, when I passed by, she wasn’t in there. I know which room is hers, and that’s where I head. Turning and striding down the halls, I come up on her open door. Humming sounds from inside, a tune that I’m unfamiliar with.
I stand at the door, and she is doing another puzzle at her desk. We talked only an hour ago, but I need to ask her this.
“Has anyone since you arrived given you a hard time?”
Eliza jumps slightly at the sound of my voice. “Jesus, Ronnie! You scared me!”
“Answer the question.”
She wipes a hand over her forehead. “Uh, yeah. There was this one girl who kept picking on me. It died down after a while, but she started up again only recently.”
“Give me a name,” I order. She politely offers the name of the girl.
Without another word, I turn and leave her to the puzzle.I’ll have to wait to make my move until Leo is out of the building and on his way to his family. That way, I technically didn’t lie to him because he won’t know what I’m getting myself into.